Help - She Broke up with New Guy after 8 days of moving in... wants me back

[Hurtbad]

I am baaack, as my story continues.  As you know, several days after breaking up with me, my BPDgf flew to another city to sleep with and date another guy... .even before I moved out.   She subsequently got a job in his city, and moved out there within three months.  He threw her out after 8 days.   It turns out that he was/is a serious player who kept files and films on women he slept with.  He also was cheating on my ex while they were long distance and committed.  For the short while they were together, he initiated her into 3 way swinging... .which she tried... .and proposed an open relationship lifestyle.

Now, she wants me back, and even drive six hours to see me in a neutral city while I was there for other reasons.  She wants us to fix what was broken in the relationship and try again. Because I love her so much, a part of me would love to try.  But here is the rub:  Our conversations focus on the things I did not do and how my fixing them is the key to all our issues.  She has very little insight into how and why her behavior has made me fearful of a future together. 

She seems to think that the way she broke up with me and they way she behaved afterwards should not have crippled me the way they did and that since I was "the cause"  it should not bother me so much.  she also seems to think that her behavior (Stripping, moving away in three months and moving in with someone, sleeping around, three way sex, constant flirting; and breaking up in 8 days after a cross country move) should not scare me.

She is pleading for me to commit now with no period of adjustment.  It almost feels like a tacit threat that she will continue to sleep around if I don't commit etc.

I still love this women, and she had a legitimate reason, from her point of view, to break it off, even in light of her BPD behaviors which were intense.  But something feels very wrong about her approach and mindset.  Last week, two days before meeting me for a reconciliation discussion, she texted me all day about how I was the love of her life and wanted to be with only me.  later that same day, minutes after her last text, she went out for a booty call with a guy because she was horny.  She said that the visit had nothing to do with what she said to me.  BUt here again, she shows no insight into how crazy that was... .or is it just me?  am I so out of touch with dating and relationship conventions of the day, that what she did was normal?

I want to try again, but bells are going off.  also, she wants me to move out there if I can.

My head is spinning.

[fiddlestix]

What she did is NOT normal.  Who tells one man she loves him and wants to be with only him, then minutes later is in the sack with another man?  My ex did the same thing.  She had at least one other guy in the rotation the last couple year sof our marriage.  This is not normal OR moral.  It is sick, dishonest, sinful... .

If you were seeing this happen to a good fiend you would have no problem seeing how nuts this is.

[Surnia]

but bells are going off. 

Good you have bells ringing! Mine are ringing too. Clear and loud.

You love her, its okay. It does not mean necessarily going back  in a "rs" with her.

[redbaron5]

Not Normal, A Healthy individual is not going to profess their love for someone and then jump in the sack with someone else the same night. Her actions are clear, she is just saying what she can to you to sooth part of her brokenness, and jumping in bed for a "booty call" to sooth the rest of her. Shes using you in a sick game of validation for herself, Healthy people do not to this to one another. Look at her actions, actions, actions, ACTIONS. NOT what she is saying.

[Reg]

Hi Hurtbad,

I think this is the hardest part of having a relationship or contact with a borderline we love or loved, the projecting, manipulation and denial of them having a problem.

My ex partner also called me the love of her life, but well, to be honest afterwards I hear she had a lot of loves of her life... . She also cheated, fell in love with someone else at the end of the year and when that was a no go result she jumped in bed with the first other available person who she was now in love with.  Love ?  What's love got to do with it ?  Fears yes !

On Christmas I was still her big love, by 10 January (and probably earlier) she was in bed with the next person, not the one she had cheated me with,not the one she was all of a sudden in love with, it just changed with a single click in her head, as all reality does.

Personally I can not imagine myself to have ever sex with her again, or a relationship.

I'm not going to advice you what to do, I'm just sharing what I've experienced.  A decision is and remains a personal thing, but as all the blame is already on you, why would things be better now ?

What would you expect from a new start or recycle from her side ?

[Ironmanrises]

I am baaack, as my story continues.  As you know, several days after breaking up with me, my BPDgf flew to another city to sleep with and date another guy... .even before I moved out.   She subsequently got a job in his city, and moved out there within three months.  He threw her out after 8 days.   It turns out that he was/is a serious player who kept files and films on women he slept with.  He also was cheating on my ex while they were long distance and committed.  For the short while they were together, he initiated her into 3 way swinging... .which she tried... .and proposed an open relationship lifestyle.

Now, she wants me back, and even drive six hours to see me in a neutral city while I was there for other reasons.  She wants us to fix what was broken in the relationship and try again. Because I love her so much, a part of me would love to try.  But here is the rub:  Our conversations focus on the things I did not do and how my fixing them is the key to all our issues.  She has very little insight into how and why her behavior has made me fearful of a future together.  

She seems to think that the way she broke up with me and they way she behaved afterwards should not have crippled me the way they did and that since I was "the cause"  it should not bother me so much.  she also seems to think that her behavior (Stripping, moving away in three months and moving in with someone, sleeping around, three way sex, constant flirting; and breaking up in 8 days after a cross country move) should not scare me.

She is pleading for me to commit now with no period of adjustment.  It almost feels like a tacit threat that she will continue to sleep around if I don't commit etc.

I still love this women, and she had a legitimate reason, from her point of view, to break it off, even in light of her BPD behaviors which were intense.  But something feels very wrong about her approach and mindset.  Last week, two days before meeting me for a reconciliation discussion, she texted me all day about how I was the love of her life and wanted to be with only me.  later that same day, minutes after her last text, she went out for a booty call with a guy because she was horny.  She said that the visit had nothing to do with what she said to me.  BUt here again, she shows no insight into how crazy that was... .or is it just me?  am I so out of touch with dating and relationship conventions of the day, that what she did was normal?

I want to try again, but bells are going off.  also, she wants me to move out there if I can.

My head is spinning.

I am sorry you are undergoing... .

A re engagement attempt.

You have to resist this... .

Otherwise... .

She will hurt you again.

In bold.

Of course... .

She wants you back.

That is the pull... .

Of their push/pull behavior.

That pull... .

Will ultimately... .

Cause the push... .

That you will experience... .

Again.

The push... .

Will lead to another... .

Discard.

When my exUBPDgf... .

Returned to me... .

After leaving me in Round 1... .

I asked her... .

"What do you want from me... .?"

She replied... .

"You know what i want... ."

I asked her again... .

"WHAT do you want from me... .?"

She replied... .

"I want my man back... ."

That wanting "my man back... ."... .

Lasted 2 months... .

Before she was triggered... .

Again.

Devaluation lasted... .

3 months... .

Before she discarded me... .

Again.

What happened to those words she said to me... .?

"I want my man back... ."... .

They vanished.

Disappeared.

Gone.

Just f¥cking gone.

It hurts to remember that.

Hurts me beyond.

In bold/underlined.

She wants that from you... .

So you do not... .

See beyond her mask.

So she is not held accountable... .

For the destruction... .

She knows she caused you.

Do not give in to that.

Only pain awaits you... .

At the end of another round... .

Of being with... .

Someone with BPD.

Hang in there.

[mitchell16]

Its just another recycle attempt in my opion. Mine promised me the stars each time. On the first few times getting me back, It was always what i ahd done wron, If Would just do this. Talk diffrent, dont ask any questions about anything, if I just didnt smother her, if would get therapy, The list went on and on. But with every recycle I changed everything and it was always something new that I didnt do. It was always changed.

Miine woudl date otehr people when she would push me away, but something would happen and  she would come running back to me each time. one gu i suspect her didnt pay enough attention to her since she said on their date her stayed on his cellphone teh whole time. but everytime she came runnig back to me. But each time it happened all of over again.

My ex partner also called me the love of her life, but well, to be honest afterwards I hear she had a lot of loves of her life... .  She also cheated, fell in love with someone else at the end of the year and when that was a no go result she jumped in bed with the first other available person who she was now in love with.  Love ?  What's love got to do with it ?  Fears yes !   Ine always told me each past boyfreind was the " one" and of coruse in time so was I. But they didnt last and neither did I. and the next person will be the "one" also.

after you have been out of it this long I woudl do my best to ignore her. I know it easier said then done. But how could you ever trust her.

[allweareisallweare]

Personally the red line is the sleeping with someone else in my book - I jussssst don't dig those kinds of women - in a way they have BPD but honestly that's no justification, it's simply not enough to try and use the condition as justification (their POVs) to try and say "I made a mistake, it was BPD, can we go again?" they're just not to be entertained - I know you love her (as you stated) and I'm just some guy on the internet, but my advice is don't do it - you could fall harder when the BPD monsters rear their ugly heads again. I say again because we know this is a repeatable cycle. I wouldn't want to see that. My understanding of BPD has broadened fifty fold since joining this board - I know these people just crop back up again; I'm fearing it myself - and yours is a live example of that.

You've got to be genuinely adult and honest to yourself about this - like you said, she was thrown out by this rebound he wasn't even a white knight but a complete wrong one anyway. Is that why she's back, because she's been discarded? Does she love you or is she trying to redeem being blown out/things falling apart in the rebound? Do you want all of that again?

They need to get into their heads that ... .love is precious, it doesn't come cheap and we are no idiots, just because we took their crap once and long enough, doesn't mean they can just crawl back - I hope you make the right choice, all the best - I know this is hard, if it were me though, the choice - to return back to all that or push towards greater glories? I know which path I'm on

[DreamGirl]

It sounds like she struggles with cycles of [sexual] addiction?

It's a coping mechanism. She gets triggered (fear, shame, anger) and this kind of "acting out" helps her regulate these kinds of emotions. It's a pathological kind of behavior. The alcoholic who drinks to help with the guilt caused by missing work that day because he was too hungover. The shopping addict who buys a pair of boots to feel better because she can't afford her rent. It's vicious and repeating. It's also not so easily stopped.

Do you think that her list of how you can reconcile what went wrong in the relationship will fix this for her?

It is OK to love her. She deserves someone to love her. She doesn't love herself very much to keep engaging in this kind of behavior. She also can't give you want she can't give herself.

It's not fair to you that she keep exposing this kind of risky [sexual] behavior to the relationship.

Do you think she has the skill set to stop? Do you think that she needs help professionally in this? Is this something you're wanting for your relationship to be reconciled?

-DG

[Hurtbad]

DG and all,

She needs to get help. The funny thing is that I know she loves me; but I also know her pattern is as Dream Girl described.  When she is in pain she starts trolling on dating sites etc., and has someone lined up within days of breaking up, or a series of disagreements.

She also has trouble focusing on the pain she caused me, as if the things I did not do warrant her actions.  And now, only months after the break up, less than two weeks after her new break-up, and days after sleeping with yet another guy, she wants a commitments ASAP.  She does not think this is unreasonable.

My God, I love this girl, but her expectations are not realistic.

Another thing, she seem unable to exist without a love interest for even a few days.

I am going to try and convince her to get the help she needs.

[Aussie0zborn]

She also has trouble focusing on the pain she caused me, as if the things I did not do warrant her actions. 

I wonder how you expect her to focus on the pain she has caused you when she can not feel for you? Lack of empathy, remember? Your feelings don't count, remember? Play by the rules please and stop making this all about YOUR feelings - your feelings have NOTHING TO DO WITH HER. They are your problem and yours alone.

My God, I love this girl, but her expectations are not realistic... .I am going to try and convince her to get the help she needs.

Maybe your expectations are not realistic. I would be going with your gut feeling - you've seen the alarm bells, they are still ringing in your ears. You can't make her get the help she needs and you don't want to be paying for it either. Only she can do that when she finds herself alone and recognizes that there is a problem. As far as she is concerned, you are the only problem in her life because of "the person that you are". But to me, you seem like a fine upstanding guy.

What about the help that you need to heal? Is she going to do that for you?

[blurry]

From my experience Hurt, she will have you move with her and within weeks, or days even, she will tell you to move right back out. As if it was some small move for you a few miles across town. Mine had me move 7 times this past year, I'm on job number 7 during that time and you know what? Now that's she's been gone two months, Im more stable by far right now than I had been during the 15 months I spent with the psycho. By far.

I quit my job last oct and moved 90 miles to be with her, upon her request, lost my place. And you know what? A week later, I'm broke, jobless, looking for work, no friends or family nearby, no drivers license, knowing all that, she tells me she felt smothered and asked me to move right back out... .of course, changes her mind the next day, then 3 weeks of bizaare hot/cold, push/pull goes by, shes so totally completely in love she asks me to get her pregnant mid sex (I didn't). 3 days later, severe devaluation towards me suddenly, and boom I'm kicked out, locked out with just the clothes on my back, broke no car or cell phone... .