Pre-worrying and how to avoid the pitfalls

[allibaba]

My husband's last day at his seasonal job was on Friday.  Not working/ being bored is a huge trigger for him.

Not unexpectedly he had a massive meltdown on Friday before he went into work (complete with projectile dishes).  I have to say it was easier to handle this time because it had been since the end of July since he had had a meltdown (though there was one smashed sandwich incident in August).  Anyway.  He was verbally ramping up and it started into verbal abuse and I said that I was finished with the conversation.  Immediately he threw his cereal bowl and coffee as I walked away he was yelling that he wanted a divorce.  FYI he threw the dishes away from me and I was already in a different room.  Our son was sound asleep far from the drama.

He sent me a few messages of an abusive nature and I replied: "I won't be in situations that are scary.  Scary = threatening, smashing things, calling me names - scares the hell out of me.  I feel very strongly about our relationship.  I know that you don't think that I care about you and that must be horrible.  Every time you hit a major stress you turn on me and want a divorce. Physically, mentally, emotionally turn on me.  Its hard."

He ignored me on Friday after 1 attempt to pull me in (he said that he came home and the door was open and my dog was gone).  I just didn't believe him and replied "the door was definitely locked when I left this morning.  Better check that nothing is missing."

I have to say that we had one of the better weekends of our life.  It was a long weekend and even Monday was great.  I used to believe that I only got 1 good day out of my husband a weekend and that was just the way that my life was going to be.  The other would be filled with verbal abuse and scurrying around trying to avoid him.  Progress!  There was also a time when I believed that I would never again have a full day of peace with my husband (he used to meltdown any time that we were driving home).  Now it is rare that he has a meltdown on the way home from shopping/ a party/ or anything else.  Progress!

Anyway.  Today is the first day that he's home alone.  He has a plan (both to get work around the house done and a plan to find a job) but I just realized how much anxiety I am holding in.  I am pre-worrying about situations where he comes home (after an errand or somethine) and he goes nutty.  He just called me on the way home and he's definitely stressing - I can tell!

This is an opportunity for both of us to learn and grow as we are exposed to situations that used to lead to major outbursts.  Its an opportunity for us (as a family) to handle them differently.  

Any wise words on how to handle this / keep myself from being driven by fear?  I do think that I need to talk to him about this situation and just talk about the elephant in the room (my own fear of how he will handle being home while he finds another job).

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

  Wow, what a difference it makes when you change how you react to his issues!

Any wise words on how to handle this / keep myself from being driven by fear?  I do think that I need to talk to him about this situation and just talk about the elephant in the room (my own fear of how he will handle being home while he finds another job).

OK, let me restate this:

You need to talk to him about your fears of him blowing up while at home looking for work and stressed out.

First off, your word need is hinting that you aren't quite ready to own your own choices on this issue. If you said you wanted to talk about it or chose to talk about it, that would be different.

Second, what are you expecting/wanting out of this conversation?

I really doubt he has the emotional capacity to give you empathy for how difficult your situation is at a time like this. Yes, you are going into a very difficult period with him. (Despite the opportunity to for you to grow!)

I think that asking for that from somebody else besides your H is wiser. (Your family; perhaps even his family!) And we'll always listen here--we really do understand it!


You do need to address your own fears. One thing you could do is remind yourself that months ago, he threw everything he could at you... .and you managed to cope with it. And now that you are practiced at enforcing your boundaries, it actually is much easier for you than it was when you started enforcing them.

I believe that you can and will survive the worst he can do, and maintain your safety, your child's safety, and your dog's safety while he's at it. Knowing that you will be OK whatever happens might help.

  GK

[allibaba]

Any wise words on how to handle this / keep myself from being driven by fear?  I do think that I need to talk to him about this situation and just talk about the elephant in the room (my own fear of how he will handle being home while he finds another job).

OK, let me restate this:

You need to talk to him about your fears of him blowing up while at home looking for work and stressed out.

First off, your word need is hinting that you aren't quite ready to own your own choices on this issue. If you said you wanted to talk about it or chose to talk about it, that would be different.

Second, what are you expecting/wanting out of this conversation?

I really doubt he has the emotional capacity to give you empathy for how difficult your situation is at a time like this. Yes, you are going into a very difficult period with him. (Despite the opportunity to for you to grow!)

When you put it that way it sounds really twisted!

So I did talk to my husband about him being home alone this week and my worries about him finding work and my fear that he will have a massive meltdown (I can disconnect from meltdowns now but its still hard on everyone in the family).  I told him that I have my own major insecurities about this situation.  He sort of laughed and said that its nice to hear that I am human.  He reminded me how far I have come emotionally recently and told me to hang in there that we will get through this tough time together.  He said that "courage isn't the absence of fear.  Its feeling the fear, recognizing it for what it is, and still doing what you need to do."  I guess that what I was looking for a way to defuse this fear by acknowledging it for what it is.

So I guess for the moment he is surprising me with this own emotional maturity  

[waverider]

what you are talking about here is Acceptance. Accepting that this will be a testing time and will produce anxiety, that is normal. Do not fear or try to fight the anxiety, just accept it is an anxious time and trust in your new found ability to not let things go too far off the rails when drama does occur.

You have the tools and you have demonstrated success in applying them. You will be able to apply these same techniques to a new scenario the principles haven't changed. The more varied the situations you manage to apply them the more self confident you will feel.

[Grey Kitty]

When you put it that way it sounds really twisted!

I guess you could say that, but it wasn't what I was thinking. I was afraid that it was an unrealistic expectation of your H's capacity right now.

Perhaps I shouldn't have been--my wife always had good days where she really did have a lot of emotional maturity.

So I guess for the moment he is surprising me with this own emotional maturity  

Yay for his victories and progress!

I guess my only caution to you is stay away from unrealistic expectations--He is very understanding today. He was totally out of line last Friday. Both are real, and both will show up on their own schedule.

Stay strong and keep working on yourself--you are doing great!