Need support - mom with BPD

[WiseMind]

Hi all,

I have been on and off this site for a couple of years now. My mom is an undiagnosed BPD. I also believe she is a narcissist. I was doing very well with setting my boundaries and keeping my mom at arm's length until recently. Now,    :'(. My dad just had a triple bypass and so I've had to deal with my mom. Of course she tries to make it all about her. I visited them to help support my dad in his recovery. I did very well with not engaging my mom, not feeding into her negativity or narcissism. I get back from the visit and discover she's blocked me from her Facebook page. Of course when I let her know she played dumb and was like, 'I don't know what happened, our network has been down all day today.' That was about 4 days ago and she still hasn't un-blocked me. I can only assume she did it to get my attention. So I am now trying to ignore it but it is very hurtful. I wish I could just block her back or defriend her entirely. Facebook has been an ongoing issue because she is on it ALL THE TIME and usually posts annoying passive aggressive updates. Her blocking me is probably a blessing in disguise but like I said, it doesn't hurt any less. My husband can still see her page, so I can only assume she did it purposely to me. I am just looking for some support and advice that I'm doing the right thing by no longer engaging her. What she wants is for me to give her attention, any kind. I am working on setting those boundaries back up. I only speak with my dad and keep it to neutral issues and his health. He is an enabler and will never side with me. I also have a sister who I am not close with because she also enables my mom. So I am basically alone in dealing with this (but I do have a therapist) and just need some extra support please. Thanks for reading this.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi WiseMind,

I hope your father is feeling better--that's a stress in itself, but I can imagine that your mother's behavior is adding a lot of pressure. How are you doing?

Not engaging your mother is good, although I know it takes a lot of energy and self-control. You've done a good thing to protect yourself by setting boundaries, and sometimes when you uphold those boundaries, it can make someone with BPD angry. Can you hide your mother's Facebook posts if/when she unblocks you? Would that help you?

It's especially painful when your other family members are codependent and/or enable your mother. It can seem like you're all alone.    As hard as it is, it sounds like you're doing some good things for yourself and your father.   Know that you're not alone.

[zone out]

Wise Mind

Sounds like you have put in a lot of good work re setting up boundaries to protect yourself.  Facebook sounds like more hassle than it is worth in respect of your relationship with your mother - when she pulls a stunt like that, probably better to pretend not to notice, she is probably just trying to wind you up.

Illness causes a lot of stress - as your Dad recovers you will be hopefully be able settle the situation with your mum to what has been working up to now. 

[WiseMind]

Thank you guys for posting and giving support. I do feel alone a lot but since this is something I've been doing for a couple of years now, it is getting a little easier. I am sure my keeping my boundaries up while I was visiting I did 'something' that annoyed her or made her mad and this is her retaliation. Yes, I have removed her from my Facebook feed so if/when she does take me off of block I won't even see her posts. I did this a while back to control when I had contact with her - randomly seeing her posts were starting to get to me so I figured if I wanted to go see what she was up to I could just go to her page and read. I was doing this when I discovered I was now blocked (I would go read her page maybe once a week). I wish I could block her back or just outright defriend her, but that would turn into a huge deal for her and she would unleash her beast. I am really trying to ignore, ignore, ignore.

[zone out]

Wise Mind

Yep Ignore, ignore - sometimes not the easiest thing but the best whether you are being manipulated or wound up 'electronically' or in a face to face confrontation/rage.

Hopefully things will cool down soon for you. 

[Santa Clara]

Hello,

I am sorry to hear about your dad and your mum's actions.

I understand, it is terribly painful being rejected in any kind of way by your parent, no matter what your age.  Big hugs.

I think you are doing the best thing by ignoring (although I know the hurt is not easy, even if we intellectually know what is going on).

Hugs

[cindergirl]

Wisemind,

Sorry to hear about your dad. I can very much relate to what you are saying about your mom, with the exception of Facebook. I also believe my mom is NBPD, but never actually diagnosed. God forbid I tell her I think she has that and her go to the dr. about it! Then everyone would know she's not 'perfect'! My father and one of my brother's are enablers, and my other brother is now at the point where he just wants to not argue anymore, so there's minimal contact, just enough not to make her suspicious that he's avoiding her. However, I have the 'pleasure' of living with her and my dad in the house I was raised. Talk about PTSD!  At the moment I'm getting the silent treatment after a HUGE blowup we had yesterday morning in front of my kids, where she got in my face and pushed me.

This is a good place for you to vent help to feel sane, it's not you, it's her! I just really wish there was someplace to meet as a support group in person.

[GeekyGirl]

TI did this a while back to control when I had contact with her - randomly seeing her posts were starting to get to me so I figured if I wanted to go see what she was up to I could just go to her page and read. I was doing this when I discovered I was now blocked (I would go read her page maybe once a week). I wish I could block her back or just outright defriend her, but that would turn into a huge deal for her and she would unleash her beast. I am really trying to ignore, ignore, ignore.

You've found one of your triggers, my friend. I wish I could tell you that there's an easy way to not let it bother you, but at least you now know that this is a trigger and you can figure out how to deal with it. I've found that instead of blocking/defriending my parents, I'm very picky about what I post and my privacy settings. They can see some things, but not everything.

Are there other triggers that you can plan for and react to? Sometimes just having a game plan makes it easier to respond when you feel triggered.

[Breathing new air]

Wisemind, these public tactics are so hard to handle. I have seen my mother do similar. It is easy to say ignore but hard to do. Hang in there, you are doing the right thing. Geekygirl is right about recognizing triggers. It is really hard to know what they are but once you do it is easier to learn to deal. It is so hard and takes so much energy deal with these things.   I have found with my mom, I know the punishments are coming so expect them.  Does not make them easier. I am coming to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do. Just continue to work on my issues. Keep up the good work.  We are here for you.    One has to feel sorry for our mothers because in reality they do not have anyone there for them because they will not let them be there. That would mean they would have to except them for who they are faults and all. And allow them to be there own people, not a possibility due to their own lack of self.  That being said, one does needs to take care of themselves and their little girl that was never cared for. To do that boundaries are needed.  Our mothers can never really have what we are starting to find and what we can give to others with help. Empathy and true emotions. Learning to feel.

[WiseMind]

Thank you all so much for your support. I am still trying to identify my triggers. You are right Geekygirl that this is definitely one.

The latest is that she posted a comment to one of my posts. It was a generic 'have a nice time!' and it sounds very supportive but I know it isn't. She is 1) putting on airs for the 'public' 2) probably was in a nice mood that moment she posted it but we all know that doesn't last and 3) might have done it to get 'in my face' as a reminder that I dont' have access to her page. God that makes me sound so paranoid but I know how her mind works! I lived with it for 18 years, all the conniving, manipulative, passive aggressive BS. I just want to be free from it all and enjoy my own life. I made the decision to do just that but these times when I feel like I need and want to be there for my dad, well, that means I have to put up my shields and deal with her, too. This is terrible to say but I wish my dad divorced her. I have no doubt he loves her and is completely manipulated by her so he will stay. I think that is so sad because he could be so much happier.

[cindergirl]

"This is terrible to say but I wish my dad divorced her. I have no doubt he loves her and is completely manipulated by her so he will stay. I think that is so sad because he could be so much happier."

I can soo  relate to this. I don't know how many times I've also thought/said it! A part of me can't help but feel sorry for him. It's like he's a prisoner of his own love.  But you know what? He chose this, I didn't. You remember that, it's his choice and he's an adult. You have to do for you.

[WiseMind]

Thanks, cindergirl! I agree with you. I just returned from a visit with my sister who enables mom. She has a lot of the same symptoms, sadly. I am really glad to be home and away from that atmosphere. It does make me sad that I can't have a close relationship with my FOO but I know what I need to do to keep myself from sliding down that slippery slope.