living together thru the divorce process and husband wants kids to meet new gf

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Why is it that my stbx uBPDh who had no desire to be a member of our family and never spent any time with me and his children now wants to introduce his children to his girlfriend

and is anxiously waiting to start spending time as a family.

We are only 5 months into this divorce process and we are still living together.  He feels it's fine to introduce the kids to his gf and just feels that I am a scorned wife.

Any ideas?

[MovingOnForLife]

Why is it that my stbx uBPDh who had no desire to be a member of our family and never spent any time with me and his children now wants to introduce his children to his girlfriend

and is anxiously waiting to start spending time as a family.

We are only 5 months into this divorce process and we are still living together.  He feels it's fine to introduce the kids to his gf and just feels that I am a scorned wife.

Any ideas?

[HarmKrakow]

Why is it that my stbx uBPDh who had no desire to be a member of our family and never spent any time with me and his children now wants to introduce his children to his girlfriend

and is anxiously waiting to start spending time as a family.

We are only 5 months into this divorce process and we are still living together.  He feels it's fine to introduce the kids to his gf and just feels that I am a scorned wife.

Any ideas?

To show you, that he is getting over you. What other way to do it right under your nose?

[Turkish]

Why is it that my stbx uBPDh who had no desire to be a member of our family and never spent any time with me and his children now wants to introduce his children to his girlfriend

and is anxiously waiting to start spending time as a family.

We are only 5 months into this divorce process and we are still living together.  He feels it's fine to introduce the kids to his gf and just feels that I am a scorned wife.

Any ideas?

Only you know how he would react, but how about "no way in hell! Not while you are still living here!"

Yours sounds more devaluing than mine, but I keep repeating this. NOT this guy! Next guy, I accept that, but not this POS (the one she went out on me with).

And what kind of woman, knowing what's going on, would assent to this? Sounds like she has major issues, too, and isn't a decent human being. I keep validating myself with this, "they are not decent human beings... ." That only helps in our minds, I know.

[GlennT]

 After the devaluing phase comes another need or idealization phase,with you, or someone new. Their modus operandi can change for the new victim. If you were extremely hungry or thirsty, and did'nt know how to get food or water, and saw a way to get it, you would do or say anything to someone to survive. They are relationship junkies with a deep well of need that will never be filled by anyone else.They do not love. They need. When he starts to feel overwhelmed and closed in by the new one, he will feel that the well is dry, and start to devalue them., like he did you.

[Seppe]

You cannot explain irrational behavior with rational thought.  I doubt you will find any explanation that is satisfactory to you.

You cannot control what he thinks, but you can control how you react to it. 

[MammaMia]

Seppe

Why is he still living with you?  Tell him to move in with his new gf.  IF the kids want to meet her, they can do it there.  He is being totally disrespectful to BOTH of you.

I suspect his new-found love for the children is just to impress the new lady, and it will not last.  It is all for show.  How sad for the kids.

[MovingOnForLife]

Only you know how he would react, but how about "no way in hell! Not while you are still living here!"

Yours sounds more devaluing than mine, but I keep repeating this. NOT this guy! Next guy, I accept that, but not this POS (the one she went out on me with).

And what kind of woman, knowing what's going on, would assent to this? Sounds like she has major issues, too, and isn't a decent human being. I keep validating myself with this, "they are not decent human beings... ." That only helps in our minds, I know.

I've keep telling him no f**king way in hell but he just tells me that I'm a scorned wife because she is the skank that he cheated on me with.

What kind of woman is she?  I'll tell you - she's a therapist in an elementary school.  How do you like that? 

Im sure she has major issues because my ex has choose  her as his next victim.

Thanks for you post!

[MovingOnForLife]

Seppe

Why is he still living with you?  Tell him to move in with his new gf.  IF the kids want to meet her, they can do it there.  He is being totally disrespectful to BOTH of you.

I suspect his new-found love for the children is just to impress the new lady, and it will not last.  It is all for show.  How sad for the kids.

He won't move in with his gf because 1- we live in his house and he would rather die then let me and his kids stay there without him and 2 - his gf has a daughter and she does not allow him to spend the night when her daughter is home.

Yes, he is being disrespectful - he has never shown me an ounce if respect.

I thought this new found love for the kids was a show - because when he is home alone with hem he still doesn't bother with them. I'm sad for my kids but I know that they will know find out the truth about their father soon enough.

[DreamGirl]

Yikes.

Do the kids have a counselor? This has to be terribly stressful for them. 

[DavidWebb]

Sorry to hear he's attempting to put you through this.

My dBPDx did something similar by bringing match.com dates to the house while I was still living there. 

If things continue to deteriorate with his behavior, You might want to ask your attorney about a "motion for exclusive possession'.  It's a temporary order that a Judge can give to help the divorce process along, prevent any conflict/DV, and or keep the kids from witnessing parental conflict/bad behavior.

Your Styx would be ordered to leave the residence while divorce is sorted. 

[MovingOnForLife]

Yikes.

Do the kids have a counselor? This has to be terribly stressful for them. 

Absolutely. 

Actually they have two.  I started bringing them to a counselor and when stbx found out he started bringing them to his counselor because he didn't want them going to my counselor.

[Turkish]

Sorry to hear he's attempting to put you through this.

My dBPDx did something similar by bringing match.com dates to the house while I was still living there.   

Sometimes the smartest thing I did is not really marrying her (where I knew in my mind and heart that it would have blown up more quickly due to her fear of commitment/marriage, despite her verbilizations to the contrary... .sometimes).

She knows no way in heck will I allow anyone else at MY house. Especially since I have certain... ."skills" in multiple areas, and will leave it at that. In reality, I'd call the cops and have trespassers removed. Since we have no rental contract, it makes it easier for me. The marriage "contract" makes it so much harder on some of you... . 

[livednlearned]

He won't move in with his gf because 1- we live in his house and he would rather die then let me and his kids stay there without him

A couple of things -- courts don't look kindly on having kids exposed to new partners. Some custody orders will have that as an exclusive provision: "Parents cannot introduce children to new partners until a year after the divorce has been finalized. Parents may not have new partners stay overnight during times the children are there." Something like that.

So, document this behavior. It may help you with custody, if you haven't already drawn up your custody orders yet.

Also, what are your plans for housing once the divorce is final? Where will you and the kids stay?

[ForeverDad]

Do the kids have a counselor? This has to be terribly stressful for them.

Absolutely. 

Actually they have two.  I started bringing them to a counselor and when stbx found out he started bringing them to his counselor because he didn't want them going to my counselor.

And neither counselor spoke up and said, "Hey, we don't play the kids off the counselors!"?

I recall when I was separated and about to file for divorce I learned that my then-spouse had been secretly taking our nearly 4 year old child to therapy.  I researched for an experienced counselor since I was effectively blocked from involvement with the secret therapy agency - and as it turned out I was blocked for another year - and she said a child should have one counselor so the counsel and messages are always consistent.  (I'm not referencing school counselors, that's different.)

So my concerns are (1) how advantageous (or even ethical?) it is for the children to have two counselors or therapists and (2) the children probably should not go to the same counselor a parent visits if either parent objects.  Check into both concerns.