BPD queen mother

[Aprilly78]

My mother is a typical BPD queen character from the Lawson book - controlling, hysterical, taught me from an early age that love was a very conditional thing that could be taken away at any time for any reason, I was expected to be a mind-reading subject that catered to her every whim as a child. I'm 35 and after over 10 years in therapy, I had finally come to terms with the BPD, mourned my loss of a childhood, and started to create healthy boundaries with my mom.

And then I got engaged about a year ago and got married about 2 weeks ago (to a man who -finally- taught me what true unconditional love is!). This however took the spotlight off my mother which made her lash out in illogical ways (trying to explain away her antics and tantrums to my new family members at the wedding was quite tricky). After the wedding, she refused to talk to me for 2 weeks, and told me with that tone in her voice how disappointed she was with me. Now she's decided that the reason the wedding was so horrible was because of my new father-in-law. She claims he was disrespectful, rude, and bullied her all night and that she wanted to slap him in the face. Having finally learned to see her warped version of reality for what it is - often a disillusion - I know he did no such thing, although she perceived his actions to be that way. My mother has systematically driven off every family member we've ever had - including my wonderful stepfather who passed away 5 years ago. I refuse now to dismiss my husband's family merely because she finds them distasteful. I had dreamt so much about having family holidays where everyone got together and celebrated, a giant meshed family, but now my mother has said she refuses to ever be around my father-in-law again. I am exhausted and crushed. I feel like my mother will never be happy, she will always find faults with something, and she will continue to expect me to take her opinion and her side on every occasion -- and I can't do that anymore. But now I'm not sure quite how to proceed from here... .

Thank you for allowing me to introduce myself and vent about the current situation. I'm glad to find a place with people who understand this disease. It's so impossibly hard to begin to describe BPD to my new husband and he so wants her to love him and love his family, and it's so sad because she never will, but that has nothing to do with him.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Aprilily78,

Welcome, from the daughter of one BPD Queen to another.   Having a mother with BPD can be very trying and exhausting emotionally. I can understand why you're crushed. Much of your post seemed very familiar--I know firsthand how hard it is when your mother refuses to talk to you, and how draining it is when you feel like you're torn between your family and your in-laws. That's a tough spot to be in for sure.

You've done a lot of work on yourself, and that's wonderful.  What would  you like to see happen in your relationship with your mother going forward?

You'll find many other members here who understand what you're going through. There are many of us who have mothers with BPD, and I think you'll be amazed at how much support you'll find here.

Congratulations and best wishes on your marriage, and welcome again. I look forward to seeing you around.

-GG

[Aprilly78]

Hi GG,

Thank you so much for the reply. It's nice to hear about others out there who are surviving BPD mothers (because sometimes it feels like the impossible quest). I'm not sure what I want to happen with my relationship with my mother. I just don't want her to ruin my relationship with my new husband. I love him dearly and have no problems with his family. My mother has influenced my life and opinions so often and for so long, it's still hard to separate myself from her. It would also be nice to hear how others have dealt with BPD mothers during major life events too. Thanks again!

[WiseMind]

Hi Aprilly78,

I completely relate to what you wrote. My uBPD mom is also a queen (most of the time). My mom subtly lets me know she wishes I would have married another man who meets her approval better (i.e. one she hasn't revealed her true self to and one who 'worships' her). It is subtle but there. Thankfully like you, I have married a stable and wonderful man who loves me unconditionally. I am sorry for the crazy you are going through. I have been in therapy about 4 years and am still learning how to mourn my childhood (or lack thereof). I am still angry with my mom for ruining huge moments in my life (college graduation, holidays) and am trying to learn to let go of that anger. Anyway, welcome to this site, it is so helpful and nice to know there are others to lean on who understand what a hard road this is. 

- WiseMind

[zone out]

Aprilly78

I want to join GeekyGirl in welcoming you to BPD family.  You will find lots of members on this site who are and have been going through similar experiences.  When I joined the site it was such a relief to read posts and share experiences with others who understand.

Now that you are married and have reached a new stage in your life would be a good time to set boundaries - establish the new order so to speak.  I am sending you a useful link

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Read lots of posts - if there are specific issues you want advice with, start a new thread.  We are all in this together.  Let us know how you are getting on.