Healing by Not Rebounding

[hopealways]

One thing I have noticed on this great forum is that the vast majority of our BPDexes have jumped into another relationship during or right after ours ended; HOWEVER, the vast majority of the Nons have decided NOT to enter into another relationship.

And I applaud all of you. 

I have made the same choice and it has helped me heal tremendously.  The BPD needs a constant source of validation because they are painfully empty inside.  The fact that you have decided not to rebound with another is IMMENSELY INSTRUMENTAL to your healing.  Sure it is painful, but we are allowing ourselves to feel, and to heal.

[Waifed]

One thing I have noticed on this great forum is that the vast majority of our BPDexes have jumped into another relationship during or right after ours ended; HOWEVER, the vast majority of the Nons have decided NOT to enter into another relationship.

And I applaud all of you. 

I have made the same choice and it has helped me heal tremendously.  The BPD needs a constant source of validation because they are painfully empty inside.  The fact that you have decided not to rebound with another is IMMENSELY INSTRUMENTAL to your healing.  Sure it is painful, but we are allowing ourselves to feel, and to heal.

I actually went out with a woman (2 dates) after a month and realized immediately that I wasn't even close to being ready to date.  I was honest with her and she was understanding.  My ex wife of thirteen years of marriage and the mother of my two children is trying to put the screws on me.  I told her that I was in for a long healing and that she should just move on if she was needing to have a SO. 

[Oliolioxenfree]

This is very true,  My exBPD was in a new relationship before ours even ended and is still in it now.  I waited.

It took me a good 6 months before I could date again. I have been trying, yet finding myself unable to sustain feeling for more than a few weeks (which may be the residual fallout from my relationship with someone with BPD and changing my own internal construct.  I think Im making strides though because a least I'm now dating really nice guys and honoring my boundaries. 

Its like Im all of the sudden allergic to douchebags, jerks, emotionally unavailable men, and anyone who demonstrates red flags.   Sadly, Im also not fully acclimated to dating really nice guys who may not meet my criteria in other ways.  So i keep finding myself in a weird white space.  not attracted to crappy people anymore, but still not 100% attracted to good ones... but I'm working on this.

So like the rest of you all, I'm Slowly dipping my feet into the water. And Im damn proud of myself for being strong and waiting and not falling into the easy rebound.  I showed myself that I can handle it. the worst pain Ive ever experienced and I know that no one and I mean NO ONE can ever inflict that kind of pain on me ever again.  Because i lived through it.  and Im stronger now because of it.

[Jbt857]

Yes, I had a few dates a couple of months after we split, but besides enjoying a night out with good company and the sanity of not having to walk on eggshells they showed me I wasn't ready. Hardly surprising, I was single (happily) for 3 years before I was with my exBPDh.

Sure, I could go get laid tomorrow, but for me, it has no meaning. (Actually, I'm sure I'd find it demeaning). Good sex comes from a good understanding of who I'm getting into bed with, a connection. One night stands just don't cut it for me. And I'm not sure if I'm in a place yet where I'm available to build that connection with someone new right now.

I have just agreed to go out with someone new in a few weeks time. It's nice to feel desirable and the excitement of that 'first date' stuff, but he knows and I know it probably won't be more than that. But I'm open minded. Let's see.

I do think too many people are in a rush to be with someone - anyone - so long as they aren't alone. I see it with many of my friends (not related to BPD). I believe that it's only when we are comfortable with ourselves and can prove to ourselves that we're okay being alone, that we can really move forward, making good choices for ourselves from the right place. 

[hopealways]

This is very true,  My exBPD was in a new relationship before ours even ended and is still in it now.  I waited.

It took me a good 6 months before I could date again. I have been trying, yet finding myself unable to sustain feeling for more than a few weeks (which may be the residual fallout from my relationship with someone with BPD and changing my own internal construct.  I think Im making strides though because a least I'm now dating really nice guys and honoring my boundaries. 

Its like Im all of the sudden allergic to douchebags, jerks, emotionally unavailable men, and anyone who demonstrates red flags.   Sadly, Im also not fully acclimated to dating really nice guys who may not meet my criteria in other ways.  So i keep finding myself in a weird white space.  not attracted to crappy people anymore, but still not 100% attracted to good ones... but I'm working on this.

So like the rest of you all, I'm Slowly dipping my feet into the water. And Im damn proud of myself for being strong and waiting and not falling into the easy rebound.  I showed myself that I can handle it. the worst pain Ive ever experienced and I know that no one and I mean NO ONE can ever inflict that kind of pain on me ever again.  Because i lived through it.  and Im stronger now because of it.

This means you are healing, good for you. Proud of you.  This is the positive result of a relationship with a BPD.  Better happen to us at some time so we can introspect, refocus, and live.

[peas]

Well, I have slept with two men, both friends from my past who I fooled around with before, since the b/u with my uBPDbf four months ago and both hook-ups left me feeling damn sad. I thought I could "have fun" and it would help me feel sexy and desirable, which it did temporarily, but it brought too much pain to my heart because it made me realize my ex and I are indeed no more, that just as I was free to sleep with whomever I want, so was he.

That, and I'm tired of being single. I was really ready to marry my ex. I was done dating. So I'm mad at him for cutting me loose.

[Ironmanrises]

Spot on Hope.

Great thread.

I can barely look at people in the eyes... .

Since my last discard.

I had one woman... .

Attempt to flirt with me heavily... .

That I mentioned... .

In an old thread.

Exchanged emails.

I never followed through.

I have far too much... .

To repair... .

Within... .

To let anyone close to me.

I don't even want... .

Anyone close to me.

Especially like that.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Thank you for your kind words hope always.  I am healing... albeit slowly and at my own pace as my brain starts to reboot itself and slowly start to make new connections and heal the old wounds.

Peas, I know how hard it is to let go of the hope of being married to your BPDex.  I went through the same.  But remember that even if you had wound up with him, it wouldn't have been a very happy ending.  You have been blessed and spared the trauma of a life with someone who is not well, and would not be able to treat you with the love care trust and respect that you so deserve.  And someone will.  That I promise, it just takes time.  First heal the best way you can, and look to the future instead of the past.   Just know that hen you come out on the other side, you will be attracting much more suitable partners that will be able to give you the loving healthy relationship that BOTH of you will want.  That is a marriage.

Ironman, you will get there.  The relationship is broken but you are not.  It takes time to fully heal from past wounds, but the fact that you are, is astounding because unlike 90% of the population in this world, you are capable of change and have been able to dig deep and figure it out.  Once your eyes are opened, its extremely difficult to close them again.  So you are blessed in having the wisdom now to do whats necessary to be in healthy relationships from here on out.  Take all the time you need and proceed when you are ready.  Either way as i said to peas, the next partners we attract  are going to blow those BPDex's out of the water,  and in time, we will forget the pain they caused us and only be left with our wonderful lessons. We all know we won't take anything less than love care trust respect kindness and emotionally available people form here on out.  Its only going to get better.