I think she sets me up to fail

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I want to contiue to be successful and not fall into a rut due to a BPD out break of dysregulation.

Stand back from that thought and take a look at how it controls your thoughts and actions. You are in eggshell territory when you are doing that.

She will dysregulate for whatever reason. Too much ketchup on her hotdog or who knows what? Have boundaries or limits set up for yourself. Validate before hand if something comes up, but focus on not turning your life upside down to accommodate her illness too much. Her emotions are hers to regulate, we only need not make it worse by engaging when our partners go off the wall.

[DragoN]

I want to contiue to be successful and not fall into a rut due to a BPD out break of dysregulation.

Stand back from that thought and take a look at how it controls your thoughts and actions. You are in eggshell territory when you are doing that.

She will dysregulate for whatever reason. Too much ketchup on her hotdog or who knows what? Have boundaries or limits set up for yourself. Validate before hand if something comes up, but focus on not turning your life upside down to accommodate her illness too much. Her emotions are hers to regulate, we only need not make it worse by engaging when our partners go off the wall.

[allibaba]

She will dysregulate for whatever reason. Too much ketchup on her hotdog or who knows what? Have boundaries or limits set up for yourself. Validate before hand if something comes up, but focus on not turning your life upside down to accommodate her illness too much. Her emotions are hers to regulate, we only need not make it worse by engaging when our partners go off the wall.

This should be our mantra.  Powerful stuff H20!

[Love Is Not Enough]

I think if I can contiue to show her that having this type of mindset in turns makes mine better and I end up being more connected and loving to her. She feels less "ignored" or "neglected".  Then is she starts to push the envelope and can see that I start to move back into the "ignored" kind of mood then eventually over time she can see what mood she needs to be in to get the feelings from me she is wanting.  Make her control the outcome more with her own actions and reactions to things.

This reasoning does sound perfectly logical and would probably work great with someone not dealing with BPD. From my experiences I have given up on logic. I have very recently come to the realization that this is all just a game to my uBPDgf. She cannot see logic and ultimately she is incapable of having any real empathy for me. So I have accepted that she is selfish and is unable to care about my needs at all. The main thing that all of this has made me realize is that I have to take back control in the relationship.

It really hit home recently when she got upset about something minor I had done and she began playing her game. By text of course. I knew she was upset because her responses were short. So I ignored it and then she tells me she is picking her children up from school. Which is what I normally do to help her out because she works late. So I sent a very straight forward message back saying that I did not know why she was upset but that I would be staying at my place tonight. Of course this started an all out attack that ended with something along the lines of "GO AHEAD. STAY AT YOUR ******* HOUSE! I DONT CARE!". So after that I ignored her and luckily she had to go back to work where she is unable to text often. In my mind I wished her coworkers luck since I knew she would probably not be very pleasant to work around the rest of the day. Then I made a decision not to worry about how things would go later and I focused on my work. Of course at the end of the day I get a text that says "I dont want you to not come home tonight". I did end up going to her house even though I think I should have stayed home. But at the end of the day it showed her that I was not going to tolerate her game. The talk we had about it later that night did not go very well because she just ran me in circles as usual, but at least she did not dysregulate.

Normally I would have caved immediately and begged her to let me pick up the girls. Then had an anxiety attack about what was going to happen in the evening when I got there. Then she would have been cold and short to me while we went through our evening routine as part of my "punishment". But instead she treated me decently and made a legitimate attempt to have a productive conversation with me about the whole thing.

So I guess I am trying to tell you to push her. Take control of the game by taking a day off and do what you want to do. If she dysregulates on you when you tell her, leave the house. It is all a game, so detach as much as you can emotionally and don't let her get to you. She will calm down at some point and this will hopefully teach her to not to treat you badly. Then again, maybe not. She may leave you. And you have to come to a place where you will be ok with that. I have finally made it to a place where I can accept losing my gf and her girls and I know I will be ok. I guess that is the key. I think what I am calling the "game" is what is supposed to be setting boundaries. I do not mean to make it sound so negative, but this is what has worked for me.

[Cipher13]

So I guess I am trying to tell you to push her. Take control of the game by taking a day off and do what you want to do. If she dysregulates on you when you tell her, leave the house. It is all a game, so detach as much as you can emotionally and don't let her get to you. She will calm down at some point and this will hopefully teach her to not to treat you badly.

I tried to leave during a loud argument once. She used her bodyto block the bedroom door. I would have had to physically move here which I could just don't want o put hands on her when she gets like that. I don't nned a free ride with braclets.  Also tried complete silence before. She was loud and scream ing int he car so I said calm down or I will not speak to you. So she pushed that ultimatum and I ingnored her. I was dead silent and didn't evne acknowldge her for an hour. She was hystarical. Screaming and crying "Talk to me, Acknowldge me" over and over without pause for an hour.  It worked but holy hell that sucked. I had no place to go I was driving on the expressway.

[DragoN]

I tried to leave during a loud argument once. She used her bodyto block the bedroom door. I would have had to physically move here which I could just don't want o put hands on her when she gets like that. I don't nned a free ride with braclets.  Also tried complete silence before. She was loud and scream ing int he car so I said calm down or I will not speak to you. So she pushed that ultimatum and I ingnored her. I was dead silent and didn't evne acknowldge her for an hour. She was hystarical. Screaming and crying "Talk to me, Acknowldge me" over and over without pause for an hour.  It worked but holy hell that sucked. I had no place to go I was driving on the expressway.

For a man this is dangerous, the bracelets come with a record that could destroy your work future. Be very careful. You did good in the car, and it is hard. Too bad you could not pull over and tell to get out. The car can be a really nasty place for all sorts of BPD behaviors as you are the captive audience. Using boundaries it gets worse before it gets better, and you must remain consistent. It will improve for You. She may change her ways somewhat. In the end, you will feel much better. Eventually, you will have a better perspective of whether or not you will choose to remain in the relationship.

It's not easy 

[Cipher13]

Too bad you could not pull over and tell to get out.

She wanted me to and have me get out. It was pouring down rain.  In the end I did feel better. I hate how it totally crushed her but I remained strong. I was done at that point I coul dhave just walked away and never came back. We did talk about what happened and why later.

[Love Is Not Enough]

So I guess I am trying to tell you to push her. Take control of the game by taking a day off and do what you want to do. If she dysregulates on you when you tell her, leave the house. It is all a game, so detach as much as you can emotionally and don't let her get to you. She will calm down at some point and this will hopefully teach her to not to treat you badly.

I tried to leave during a loud argument once. She used her bodyto block the bedroom door. I would have had to physically move here which I could just don't want o put hands on her when she gets like that. I don't nned a free ride with braclets.  Also tried complete silence before. She was loud and scream ing int he car so I said calm down or I will not speak to you. So she pushed that ultimatum and I ingnored her. I was dead silent and didn't evne acknowldge her for an hour. She was hystarical. Screaming and crying "Talk to me, Acknowldge me" over and over without pause for an hour.  It worked but holy hell that sucked. I had no place to go I was driving on the expressway.

You're right. Mine will stand behind my car if I am even able to get into it. It all just sounds so crazy now as I'm writing it down. So sick of it. That you held up for an hour is amazing. I don't have it in me anymore. I may just take off running down the street next time! We just have to work smarter not harder to combat crazy. I think someone suggested the idea to you of pulling over and going into a public place. It will be embarrassing as hell, but at least it might bring her down a notch.

[Sluggo]

This is carried over from "Its either she goes or I get a new job".

Last night had a pretty possitive converstion last night. We were able to talk about what has been happening the last several weeks/months openingly and without loud yelling or argueing. Sat down and had a converstion. Afterwords I went to bed feeling better about the relationship and the track it was about to go on.

I think she set me up to fail. She acknowldges she can not bring herself to beilev anythign i say or do unless she can physically see it. And that she gets angry when I am not validting and sending her an over abundance of emtional love. Not with words (again she does nto beleive them)  but with physically seeing it in my texts and in my actions. I explained I can attempt to do those things but know that there will be times when I might not be able to. Not on purpose but unintended. She was hesitant but did finally acknowldge that.

We got to bed and thats when she went from understanding to "I'm mad at you" Holy crap what now. I forgot to mention the weddign ring that was on the dresser. She left it there for me to see. Then I was supposed to be all upset she wasn't wearing it and fall over emotionally to her. Fill her full of loving empotions and say sweet nothings and beg her to put it back on.

I did notice it earlier on the dresser but during the wonderful converstion I was not thinking of the ring. Apprently thats rude and ignorant of me to forget about that.  SET UP FOR FAILURE.  huh

There are some peoples stories that sound familiar and there are other stories that sound like they were copied and pasted from my own posts.  This one I would say was copied and pasted.   I have said before to my dBPDw... .I am being set up to fail.  I have also had the ring on the night stand many times.  Last week it just wasnt the ring but it was all the jewelry box of all the jewelry I bought her over the years. 

I am interested in reading the other people on the thread to get their wisdom.  I was just floored on how that sounds exaclty the same and wanted to jump in. 

[LifeIsBeautiful]

It happened to me in the car as well last week while on vacation. I remained silent and my coffee was thrown out the window, luckily it was along a secluded road. Then I got into a minor accident and she stopped. This incident showed me that the escalation was a coping mechanism (a very poor one) and they can't get out of their rut until another event occurs. This timeline issue wrecks havoc, because it isn't linear and they jump from one to another, and are not able to "move on", I have learned not to say "get over it" because they simply cannot, and they won't until it gets resolved (in their own mind) or another event distracts them. It's classic eggshell territory and it's hard for them, and even harder for us. Traveling, I suspect, is also an issue. They are in anxiety during the transit, anticipation of the journey and destination. What's going to happen? They can't cope and get agitated, and sometimes it overloads their mind and go into short deep sleep. It's especially bad before bedtime and after waking up, "fear of the unknown, and also the truth".

I tried to leave during a loud argument once. She used her bodyto block the bedroom door. I would have had to physically move here which I could just don't want o put hands on her when she gets like that. I don't nned a free ride with braclets.  Also tried complete silence before. She was loud and scream ing int he car so I said calm down or I will not speak to you. So she pushed that ultimatum and I ingnored her. I was dead silent and didn't evne acknowldge her for an hour. She was hystarical. Screaming and crying "Talk to me, Acknowldge me" over and over without pause for an hour.  It worked but holy hell that sucked. I had no place to go I was driving on the expressway.

[Cipher13]

Traveling, I suspect, is also an issue. They are in anxiety during the transit, anticipation of the journey and destination. What's going to happen? They can't cope and get agitated, and sometimes it overloads their mind and go into short deep sleep. It's especially bad before bedtime and after waking up, "fear of the unknown, and also the truth".

Yes I agree that is pretty much it right there. about 3 months ago she came with me on a business trip. I told her she would be bored as this is a business trip and I have to work long hours. Well when it turned out to be as I said she tried to change things to something she could control more and  was more familiar with. It drove me crazy becasue if I told her I am also done and be back at the hotel soon and then it was 30 mins later before I left that wasn't good enough. And yes traveling the actual travel to unfamilar places puts her on edge I think to.

So sort of another question out there. I don't know how to phrase my question. If a BPD has a very specific fear and you are then able to do what ever it is to make them feel less uneasy about it do they jump on the next uneasy feeling?  Hmm I think I already know the answer. Its the same fealing just its changed to fit a new topic or situation. I don't think I can ever convince her even with solid proof of anything. Example I was workign late. Told her I was going to be runing behind and not sure how late I would be 30 to 40 mins maybe. So I was ready to leave and she says I'm cheating. So I take a picture of my computer on my desk as its closing down. Caption "loggin out and going home".  Becasue my overhead light is out its darker in my cubical area and my phone doesn't take the highest quality pics.  She said it looked suspicious and that it looked like a bedroom. So even with physical proof her mind can't even see the picture for what it is.  If her mind is made up then anythign I do to disprove that is "faked" to show her what she wants to see and not really what it is. If what I do to prove her idea in her mnd is wrong ten she says I "fixed it up" to look that way to get her to try to beleive me when thats not what really happend. What the heck.  So she can't bring herself to even try to beleive I am right and she was wrong.

[allibaba]

Example I was workign late. Told her I was going to be runing behind and not sure how late I would be 30 to 40 mins maybe. So I was ready to leave and she says I'm cheating. So I take a picture of my computer on my desk as its closing down. Caption "loggin out and going home".  Becasue my overhead light is out its darker in my cubical area and my phone doesn't take the highest quality pics.  She said it looked suspicious and that it looked like a bedroom. So even with physical proof her mind can't even see the picture for what it is.  If her mind is made up then anythign I do to disprove that is "faked" to show her what she wants to see and not really what it is. If what I do to prove her idea in her mnd is wrong ten she says I "fixed it up" to look that way to get her to try to beleive me when thats not what really happend. What the heck.  So she can't bring herself to even try to beleive I am right and she was wrong.

Holy moly Cipher,  I think that you are actually enabling her feelings of insecurity doing stuff life this. 

Just tell her when you are leaving and she needs to work through her lack of trust demons herself.

Validate her feelings "it must be really frustrating to not trust your husband.  I can't imagine having to deal with those emotions every day" and then move on.  Its not 'yours' to own her lack of trust in you.

[GreenMango]

Sometimes those insecurities lead to jealousy and paranoia.  It can be really difficult.  My ex was like this.  Once that paranoia takes root it grows like a invasive species and its really hard to combat.  It's not really about proving it isn't true because the fear feeds on itself.

I'm with allibaba on how to handle it.

Here's an article TOOLS: How to deal with a jealous partner

[LifeIsBeautiful]

I've been through that phase,they can't be wrong, because their own feelings about it are so intense that it has to be the truth in their mind. Think it's the fear and past experiences that causes this. I tend to attribute it to PTSD. I read somewhere that empathy from such behavior needs understanding about a person's past. E.g. someone who "loses" their mind whenever they hear thunder, may seem abnormal, but the reason could be during a storm, lightning burnt down their home in past. For my W, she did share with me that in her past r/s, her partners had cheated on her and she felt that she trusted them too much, hence she can't trust anyone now. Sad (for me) but true (for her). Slowly I am trying to gain her trust, it's slow and sometimes painful, but at least I understand and got over my own anger at the situation and try to approach it from a different perspective. It doesn't immediately make it better, but it does make it somewhat clearer.

So sort of another question out there. I don't know how to phrase my question. If a BPD has a very specific fear and you are then able to do what ever it is to make them feel less uneasy about it do they jump on the next uneasy feeling?  Hmm I think I already know the answer. Its the same fealing just its changed to fit a new topic or situation. I don't think I can ever convince her even with solid proof of anything. Example I was workign late. Told her I was going to be runing behind and not sure how late I would be 30 to 40 mins maybe. So I was ready to leave and she says I'm cheating. So I take a picture of my computer on my desk as its closing down. Caption "loggin out and going home".  Becasue my overhead light is out its darker in my cubical area and my phone doesn't take the highest quality pics.  She said it looked suspicious and that it looked like a bedroom. So even with physical proof her mind can't even see the picture for what it is.  If her mind is made up then anythign I do to disprove that is "faked" to show her what she wants to see and not really what it is. If what I do to prove her idea in her mnd is wrong ten she says I "fixed it up" to look that way to get her to try to beleive me when thats not what really happend. What the heck.  So she can't bring herself to even try to beleive I am right and she was wrong.

[Cipher13]

I can see why tryign to use logic to someone that is feeling ilogical isn't ever goign to work. At the time you want to have the "See I'm not doing what you think I am doing" moment. They can not then process it. How can it be?   I have noticed she has a hard time with timelines. If it doesn't fit hers in her mind then someone is doing something wrong or against her or some other negative thing. Example she has applied and interviewed for a new job. Originaly they said they want ot fill it ASAP. But in the intervire process they said they have to narrow it down and that would take 10 to 14 days. Now thats messing with her. Its either now or they moved on and didn't tell her. She just can not wait. Any waiting is ignoring her. Just liek if I don't respond to a text quick enough. Nevermind that she doesn't always answer quickly nor does anyone else. In her mind it just didn't go throught so then she resends it. Waits a couple seconds then you get the "Hello?" text. Which means "I know you saw my text and are ignoring me"

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi Cipher,

It's eerie as it's the same here with the interview and texting. Went to a few medical appointments with her,there is usually a waiting list as expected, it's like rejection for her though everyone else is also waiting.From what I gathered, it's inability to cope with the feelings that waiting for something or someone brings on and it engulfs them; the black or white thinking.Nobody likes rejection, but for them it's extremely personal.

I can see why tryign to use logic to someone that is feeling ilogical isn't ever goign to work. At the time you want to have the "See I'm not doing what you think I am doing" moment. They can not then process it. How can it be?   I have noticed she has a hard time with timelines. If it doesn't fit hers in her mind then someone is doing something wrong or against her or some other negative thing. Example she has applied and interviewed for a new job. Originaly they said they want ot fill it ASAP. But in the intervire process they said they have to narrow it down and that would take 10 to 14 days. Now thats messing with her. Its either now or they moved on and didn't tell her. She just can not wait. Any waiting is ignoring her. Just liek if I don't respond to a text quick enough. Nevermind that she doesn't always answer quickly nor does anyone else. In her mind it just didn't go throught so then she resends it. Waits a couple seconds then you get the "Hello?" text. Which means "I know you saw my text and are ignoring me"

[popeye6031]

Well Cipher,

How have things been going?

Are things still improving?

[Cipher13]

How have things been going?

Are things still improving?

Here is the latestes. I almost think she cant handle several daysor weeks of calm cool collectiveness. Plus I absolutley hate having to worry about how my words are being translated in her mind. I have to overthink everything to keep this up. It slipped alittle last night. She was talking about a potential job that would make her have to work Saturdays. She said then I can be a volenteer. I already assumed I would for large events. I said I might nto want to every saturday but I would certainly help out as best aI can and when I can. I already figured I might.  She took it as I hate her don't support her and that crap.  It was how I responded not the actual message behind it that affected her.   

Then goes off and says she knew I could keep up the mask of being nice for long.  I think this is alot of projecting her own feelings on to me. That seems to be alot of what she is or has been doing lately.

[123Phoebe]

Hey Cipher!

Sounds like you're able to stand separately and recognize what "her stuff" is -vs- what "your stuff" is   This is great news!

She took it as I hate her don't support her and that crap.  It was how I responded not the actual message behind it that affected her.   

Can you think of ways to tweak your responses so that your message is delivered in the spirit it is intended?  In a way that she feels heard and understood?

[allibaba]

Hey Cipher!

Sounds like you're able to stand separately and recognize what "her stuff" is -vs- what "your stuff" is   This is great news!

Seriously!  What a HUGE HUGE change in your tone.      

[Cipher13]

Can you think of ways to tweak your responses so that your message is delivered in the spirit it is intended?  In a way that she feels heard and understood?

Yes I can but I have to work at it as it isn't alwaysa natural. Sometimes I am frustrated or not in a jolly mood. I really do try hard to work on how my converstion is going to be precieved. The other hard part is if I slipped and it got out before I thought about it I'm in deep. No amount of trying to reason with her as to the really meaning behind it can work. Its set in stone.

I can totally see her stuff from my stuff. Really how can we handle this day in and day out. Even when things are going ok I want to bust out and bail.  I feel fake quite often.  The line I want to say so bad is "suck it up, I'm not a resivoir for fixing your feelings for you that all you".    But it is true I have seen alot of different attitude form her for the most part. Possibley time to step on the gas pedal and keep this going.

[allibaba]

But it is true I have seen alot of different attitude form her for the most part. Possibley time to step on the gas pedal and keep this going.

Don't try to take on too much too fast or force change on her too quickly.  Allow the changes that you are making time to settle and process   At least that was the advice that I was given this week. 

[Cipher13]

Well I need to do somethig she is beging to go off ther rials right now. I haven scheduled another T apt since the last month almost. I need to do that. I felt a bit of complacentcy I think. She noticed it right away and I'm getting a barage of texts about it now.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

I feel this quite often.I've been trying to be mindful, of my own feelings and objectives. It's difficult, but if we are committed to the goal of continuing the relationship, there's probably no alternatives.Not doing what you are actually feeling is a struggle, the way I look at it, it's their problem and they are projecting it on us, and it makes us feel that way. The resources that I read, I feel, are actually telling us to be "superhuman" and to segregate our own feelings aside and not go into the same zone of feeling sadness,anger hate, which is what they actually want us to feel; if I'm not feeling ok you shouldn't too mentality. I'm still trying to find my inner peace, something that can soothe and calm myself, which I have yet to find. An external support system I think is helpful, for me that's not available now and this forum helps me in that.

I can totally see her stuff from my stuff. Really how can we handle this day in and day out. Even when things are going ok I want to bust out and bail.  I feel fake quite often.  The line I want to say so bad is "suck it up, I'm not a resivoir for fixing your feelings for you that all you".But it is true I have seen alot of different attitude form her for the most part. Possibley time to step on the gas pedal and keep this going.