I really can't stand her anymore

[almostvegan]

It's been a long time since I've posted here. I hope that everyone is doing ok. I don't think I'm ok though. My (almost 17) dd is driving me crazy. Just looking at her makes me want to scream. She was expelled from school July 2011 and has been doing an online hs program since. It's great for her: no pressures, no social anxieties, but for me having her home ALL THE TIME is making me nuts. She is very behind in her studies and should be applying to colleges by now but had t even finished her junior year work yet let alone study for, or take SATs. She's too comfortable here, no responsibilities ( outside of the norm in a household), it's an easy life. Why strive to get ahead or leave? Meanwhile she rarely even leaves the house! She's become too " familiar" with us, and does things that make us insane. I WANT HER OUT OF HERE! I know she's not well. I know she has challenges that other teens don't have a d that as a result of her illness her emotional growth

Is stunted. I get all that. I really do. But I can't help comparing her to our friends' children her age and it really hurts. Sometimes I just go out and sit in the car just to get away from her. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ms Mac]

I am so sorry to hear your story.

I to have a ud17 who quit school a few months back and sits at home all day on her computer. She won't try to get a job, she doesn't want to go back to school, shes driving me nuts.

I also want her out, and I feel so very guilty for feeling this way, because I love her dearly, but am at my wits end.

The calm days I have with her are great, but they are getting less and less lately, and some days I feel like I am walking on eggshells, in my own home.

I am a single parent which also makes it tougher as I have nobody else in this house I can lean for support

[almostvegan]

I envy your ability to love your daughter. Right now it's a struggle for me.

You're lucky.

[jellibeans]

almost vegan


I remember you and I am sorry thing have not got better for your family. When I hear your story I am fearful that is what might happened to my dd16.

First have you thought about family therapy with your dd? That might help set some ground rules going forward. Maybe it is time to set a timeline for when she should be finsih courses etc... .have you tried anything like this?

If she is not doing school work everyday then she should be working? or volunteering somewhere. Something that gets her out of the house. There are pet shelters, hospitals or retirement homes... .sign her up for a few hours a week and that will help with you having some peace at home. What do you think? I am having my dd16 do this now and it will help with college applications that she is involved in the community. Also I think pwBPD get bored... .the less they do the less they do. Laying around watching tv... .Hard to look at. I think keeping busy is good for them and since it is volunteer position the stress should be less.

We use to have a behavior contract and now have a values contract... .can you put together a contract for her that lays out a plan for the future? something like I will commit to doing 3 hours of school work each day... .I will volunteer 8 hours a week... .etc?

[Thursday]

hi almostvegan,

Sorry to hear things are so tough. Sometimes all we can do is be patient for time to pass. 17 is so hard with our BPD kids.

I remember looking HARD for someone to come in to stay with my SD (because nobody was asking her to sleep over, none of the relatives would take her on, and I called a few churches looking for a young adult willing to stay in our house for a few days to keep an eye on her. I interviewed a few prospects but when I was honest with them nobody was interested for the money I could offer.

So, it was just plain hard for a really long time. Her Dad and I did manage to figure out that she would, without fail, sleep late when left to do so and we started having outings in the morning. We wouldn't tell her we were going anywhere and she was usually still asleep when we got back home.

Wish I had something more for you. jellibeans mentions a behavioral contract. We had one too and it helped but it didn't help with everything. If she was grounded for behavioral issues it was so hard to have her underfoot all the time.

Will it help to hear that she doesn't live here anymore? To hear that her behavior has gotten better by miles?

Stay hopeful?

Thursday

[peaceplease]

almostvegan,

I am sorry that you are so overwhelmed.  I can understand.  My uBPDd, age 29, returned to  with me off and on, from age 24 to 28.  Much of that time was close to insanity for me.  There was no safe place to go when she was having a tantrum.  She would follow right behind me.  I would lock my bedroom door, and she would be pounding on the outside yelling.  It was horrible.

What really helped me was being in therapy and learning to set boundaries for myself.  My T helped come up with a move out plan for my dd, and she would be evicted if she did not leave.  Fortunately, she left on her own.

The schooling issue is a tough one.  I was never in that position.  My dd was employed most of the time that she lived with me.  Your dd not having a hs diploma or GED really complicates matters.  Has she tried applying for jobs?  Perhaps, you can make it a requirement and that she needs to contribute and pay for her room and board.  She doesn't spend the time on her education, then she can attempt to get a job.  Maybe the school of hard knocks may help her.

Is it possible for you to get some therapy and assistance to help you with this?  Or, what does your local mental health have to offer for your dd?  In my area, we have therapeutic staff support that will stay with child in school and after school, until parents get home.  I don't know if being in school is a requirement.  Have you looked into any type of services that your dd may be eligible for. 

I hope someone that has been through similar situation of child not finishing school can help you.

[Ms Mac]

I envy your ability to love your daughter. Right now it's a struggle for me.

You're lucky.

the feeling is not returned, it never has been. The whole of my ud17 life she has never once told me she loves me, and it was only a few years ago I realised why she never said it, is because she has never loved me.

So in a way, me loving her is a curse and I wish I didn't sometimes

[js friend]

oh I know that feeling almostvegan.

It sounds like your dd could do with some direction.

Luckily my dd did finish school and left home by the time she was she was 17yo so I cant comment there.But what I can say is that between 14yo-17yo life at home with dd was terrible.

If my dd was at home she would refuse to help or do anything, or she would be out constantly running the streets day and night.

My dd left school with good grades but has not yet completed any of the vairous college cousres she has enrolled on yet. This is her 3rd attempt and i am holding my breath.

Every time so far she has given up after a few weeks. Each course she has tried has been differnent becuse she has followed in the footsteps of her latest friend,and once she has left college that friendship has also ended too, so she hasnt had a real passion for anything, and so lacks the direction and self discipline to get herself through.

My dd is such a clever girl, and was always the top of her class in school. She was a major overachiever at one stage... .one of those who didnt seem to have to try hard at anything, but I now I have to admit is probably now low functioning when it comes to this area.

Realistically iam now looking at a life where my dd may not ever achieve a higher education, or hold a well paying job.

With your dd I think that you may need to begin looking at what she can do and what is achievable, instead of the online work that she is so obviously not doing. If there are social anxieties will your dd be willing to do things around your home to earn her keep, or babysitting  to earn some money. I think it is best to start small and then work your way up with your dd.

I think it will important at some stage to address her social anxiety because it holds many people back in life.She will need to work on her phobias to help her begin to get her out of the house. As you say she has become too comfortable at home. A little discomfort and challenges will shake things up.

Will she accompny you to get shopping or will she go out alone for a few minutes at a time?

I think that until your dd's social anxieties around going outside is overcome she wont really be working on an education or looking for a job because these things will take her out of your home and make her feel uncomfortable.

Perhaps a t would help if this is the real issue.

[cbstewart]

I am new here, this is my first post ever! but when I saw someone remark that their love for their daughter with BPD was not returned I had to write. I have a daughter with BPD, she is now 27 and dealing with it far better than ever. There are still bad days, sometimes unrealistic expectations, and tantrums, but they are getting few and far between. She told me the other day of a memory she has from her childhood, it's a long sther and Itory so I won't go into detail. The gist of the story was that something happened that made her realize how much we loved each other and how much I did for her growing up. She said she will never forget that and that she really does appreciate her father and I. When I asked her why she always acted like she hated us and why then was she always so miserable, her response was that if she showed her true feelings, she would be too vulnerable, judged and ridiculed. Typical BPD thinking. We cried when we talked that day, a lot. After 27 years I finally know my girl really loves me. Hang in there, and keep trying it may take far longer for some, but I have never had a better day in my life!

[jdtm]

I think it will important at some stage to address her social anxiety because it holds many people back in life.She will need to work on her phobias to help her begin to get her out of the house.

Is your daughter taking a SSRI medication for her anxiety?  Those with severe anxieties often require medication before therapy can begin.  The medication "lessens" the anxiety to the point that the person is able to begin to apply the therapy.  One more point I just found out this month is that "anger" is often the hidden emotion of anxiety - google "anxiety and anger" and see what comes up.  Last year I was wondering if our granddaughter also suffered from BPD (I read the book written by Blaise A. Aguirre but it just didn't ring true).  I'm beginning to think the anger is linked to her severe anxiety - it was treated when she was younger but her parents became lax as she hit the teenage years (what a mistake).  By the way, a psychiatrist is required for the distribution of meds; a psychologist is unable to prescribe medications.  Anyway, just another point of view ... .

[lbjnltx]

Hello almostvegan,

Long time no see!

I can understand how your frustration (fears?) can be blocking your ability to have positive feelings towards your daughter.  This can certainly cause damage to your own personal well being, the home environment and your r/s with your daughter.

Check out this information on Listening with Empathy and ask any questions you may have about it in this Workshop.

lbjnltx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[sunshineplease]

jellibeans -- would you be willing to explain what a values contract it? I like the sound of that a whole lot better than a behavioral contract!

[Ms Mac]

I am new here, this is my first post ever! but when I saw someone remark that their love for their daughter with BPD was not returned I had to write. I have a daughter with BPD, she is now 27 and dealing with it far better than ever. There are still bad days, sometimes unrealistic expectations, and tantrums, but they are getting few and far between. She told me the other day of a memory she has from her childhood, it's a long sther and Itory so I won't go into detail. The gist of the story was that something happened that made her realize how much we loved each other and how much I did for her growing up. She said she will never forget that and that she really does appreciate her father and I. When I asked her why she always acted like she hated us and why then was she always so miserable, her response was that if she showed her true feelings, she would be too vulnerable, judged and ridiculed. Typical BPD thinking. We cried when we talked that day, a lot. After 27 years I finally know my girl really loves me. Hang in there, and keep trying it may take far longer for some, but I have never had a better day in my life!

I hope that is the case for me in the not so distance future, but I fear not, as my ud17 is planning on moving to the other side of the globe and wiping me completely out of her life  :'(

[griz]

MS Mac:  I also found the ages of 14-17 very difficult.  There were times I was convinced there was not an ounce of love in body for me and it didn;t matter how much I loved her.  My DD is 18 now and I have seen a big change as she has matured. Love is a very scary emotion. With it comes the possibility of rejection which for some of our children is an impossible emotion and I believe that was the case for my DD.  I still let her know I loved her all the time and at some point it did change.  She now tells me she loves me and even texts ILY sometimes.

Give your daughter time and keep loving her.

Griz

[Ms Mac]

none of that could ever happen for me if she goes ahead with her plans of moving and cutting me out

[BioAdoptMom3]

The first thing which came to my mind too is family therapy.  Each of the 3 times our 14 y/o DD has been hospitalized (crisis stabilization) the behavioral center requires family therapy daily.  We have had a wonderful therapist who really knows how to get us to open up with each other and share intimate feelings - to a point anyway.  It is not a cure all, but it helps!

Your comments about comparing her to your friends' children who are the same age really jumped out at me!  I do the exact same thing.  As a matter of fact, we have changed our attendance at our church from Sunday morning to Saturday night because I cannot handle the seemingly "perfect" children of the families who attend on Sunday!  I find myself feeling very resentful when I am in their presence. 

And looking at her makes you want to scream?  I once looked at DD's most recent picture when I was dusting around the house and for a split second the first emotional response I had was intense anxiety - just looking at the pic!

We parents understand!

[almostvegan]

Thank you everyone for your words and compassion.  I'm sorry I've taken so long to respond, I just couldn't DEAL. You've all been there. You all understand.

My daughter is in therapy. Has been since she's 7. We've been in family therapy alongside her. Since my insurance doesn't cover it, a pay out of picket and it's super expensive. There's no room in our budget for me to see anyone. We've tried all those " tricks" mentioned: contracts etc. it'll work for a day or so then back to " normal".  Consequences never effected her. Ever. About anything. She's been babysitting every weekend the last few weeks and has amassed quite the bank account! Last year she had two regular jobs a week. It's not enough. Not to mention, her weight.  Oh dear! My husband instituted that she must get 30 minutes minimum on the treadmil daily. But she eats all day long, she's always looking for snacks. Drives me crazy. She tells me she loves me all the time. I don't doubt she does. I just want to see some appreciation, and some personal drive! I can't get her to get dressed every day. She won't do it unless she has to go somewhere. "Maybe she hates clothes bc nothing fits?" So I bought her a bunch of new tops but she still sits around in pajamas all day.

The truth is, she's really doing well, health wise. She's not cutting, or depressive. [She still sleeps way too much but that could be bc of her meds( Prozac,abilify, metformin,concerta). Or just a typical teen thing. My " normal" teen, the younger sister, would sleep till noon if I let.] her moods are fine and she laughs and ales jokes all day. Sometimes she acts like a total doofus, ( often!) but she's so much better than she was at the height of illness. I'm happy she's happy. I just wish she wasn't so content at home and had some sort of motivation to get on with life. There's ZERO. Plus she's gotten way too comfortable with us. Too familiar, and without intending, sometimes acts disrespectful. Like shell talk to us like we are her friends not her parents. She doesn't rage or act out. She doesn't do drugs or steal or sneak out at night.  She's the " dream child with BPD"! Ha ha

Bottom line is her presence just makes me insane. It's not anything specific. I just see my future with her living on my sofa at 40! Makes me insanely sad.

Thanks for listening. I feel safe here and I appreciate it always.

Wishing everyone a peaceful day

AV

[jellibeans]

almostvegan

I laughed out loud when I read the line... dream child with BPD seems like she has learned some coping skills and is doing a lot better but doesn't have a whole lot of drive to do anything else.

Can you come up with a list of things you would like her to do? Volunteer somewhere? Something to get her out of the house for some time? Is there a list of chores she is required to do? How old is she again?