Having a "bad" day ... need a hug ...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am having a "bad" day so I am reading and posting a lot.  Reading over the board on "how it feels to have BPD" I thought ... .wouldn't it be nice if we had black and white thinking. I want to hate him! Hate him. But I sat with him when he shared his shame and self-loathing. When I busted him for "rearranging the truth," I ask why. Because I was scared if you knew the truth that I would lose you.

[Century2012]

I am having a "bad" day so I am reading and posting a lot.  Reading over the board on "how it feels to have BPD" I thought ... .wouldn't it be nice if we had black and white thinking. I want to hate him! Hate him. But I sat with him when he shared his shame and self-loathing. When I busted him for "rearranging the truth," I ask why. Because I was scared if you knew the truth that I would lose you.

[DreamGirl]

Yoda says "Fear is the path to the darkside. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering... ."

You don't really want to hate him. None of us do.

You just want to let go, I think. To stop your own suffering in this.

And I have several hugs for you... .


                    

[hopealways]

Hug for you my friend. We are all here to heal so reading these posts definitely helps-at least you know you are not alone, and you understand this disorder better.

My "final" breakup  (and it is in quotes because who knows how many more recycle attempts she will attempt, if any) was nasty - and I am glad it was, because I do not like her anymore after that. If it was cordial, friendly, like adults parting ways on good terms, it would have been a lot harder not to go back. But that is not how BPD relationships normally end.

Sometimes I feel bad that we parted on such awful terms.  But then again I tell myself that happened for a good reason too: to make the healing just a little bit easier.

[Century2012]

Thanks Dream Girl. No, I don't want to hate him. I feel his pain. (Pisces fish ... .emotional sponge.)

I just feel so frustrated. He brought down the mask for me. So I know I will be a special person in his life. But new girl loves him like crazy, and he needs that. I am happy for him. I just want to hate him because he is keeping the mask on for her, and he is terrified that I might say or do something that would "reveal" him. I won't. It just hurts that he has to be so paranoid that the slightest thing gets him into a panic and causes him to "react." And say something to me or about me that is hurtful.

My heart hurts for him.

[Century2012]

Hi hopealways,

I guess I should take comfort that I left him for the boozing. And we did have an adult conversation. His words, "I am tired of feeling like a loser." I can't change that I am "smart." Or that I have a good job. Or that I am responsible. Those are good qualities.

A strong confident man would be proud to have a "good" woman.

His wife (married 5 months after we broke up) has major drug issues. (Side note ... .I know we don't know each other, so I feel the need to qualify. His new wife is a college grad from a well-to-do family. I do understand that drugs are addictive and good people can get caught up in them.) But she is STUPID to move in with a man after one month. What is her gig?

I don't want him because of the booze. But I don't want him to be hurt by someone who lost her kids! When I am not being pissed off at him for being so stupid, I feel for him. I hope she doesn't hurt him.

[hopealways]

Hi hopealways,

I guess I should take comfort that I left him for the boozing. And we did have an adult conversation. His words, "I am tired of feeling like a loser." I can't change that I am "smart." Or that I have a good job. Or that I am responsible. Those are good qualities.

A strong confident man would be proud to have a "good" woman.

His wife (married 5 months after we broke up) has major drug issues. (Side note ... .I know we don't know each other, so I feel the need to qualify. His new wife is a college grad from a well-to-do family. I do understand that drugs are addictive and good people can get caught up in them.) But she is STUPID to move in with a man after one month. What is her gig?

I don't want him because of the booze. But I don't want him to be hurt by someone who lost her kids! When I am not being pissed off at him for being so stupid, I feel for him. I hope she doesn't hurt him.

BPD do not necessarily find someone better than you - they just find someone to fill their emotional needs. Their poor impulse control causes these types of situations where they get married quickly or move in super fast. My BPDex's narcissistic exBF got engaged to a new girl 2 months after she left him for me.  She told me she moved in with her rebound 1 week after breaking up with her ex.  These are not the actions of healthy people.  They are so empty inside they need someone there for the constant validation.

She may have a cluster B disorder.  BPD can only really endure relationships with Narcissists according to my therapist.  It will not be a happy relationship (they never are truly happy-mine sure never was) but they feed off each other because it's a union of mutual benefit instead of what it should be: mutual love.

Be happy, thrilled that it is over.  You will feel like a brand new person soon.  These relationships are painful to leave because they uncover deep wounds from our childhoods NOT because we love the BPD.  Work on that aspect of your past, that's what needs to be healed my friend.

[Century2012]

You are right hopealways ... .

I know that rationally. I do have to look at my childhood wounds.

My mother once said, "Your father is so happy that you don't tremble anymore when he hugs you."

My BPD was someone I could hug. And washed my back when I when I was covered in bug bites from a hiking trip.

Think it is fair to wish for a man who is that caring but not that messed up.

[Century2012]

BTW.  You guys are really helping me out. I am still misty eyed. But I do know that as part of my grieving process, I do need to reach out and shed a few tears if necessary.

[peas]

Century, take it easy. I'm having a bad week. I understand. Been crying for a couple days.

I do not believe the pwBPD exposes childhood wounds, at least, I have not connected to my childhood the attachment and boundary issues my ex brought out in me. I look at it as my ex came along during a perfect storm in my recent life where I was unstable in many ways and then he shows up and is like the anchor I was looking for.

I read in one of your past posts that your ex married five months after your b/u. Yeah, that is not healthy. But that is how pwBPD operate. My ex was married once and he told me he moved in with his wife a month after they started dating. She got pregnant and they were married within a year. A year later their marriage was over.

Who knows what your ex's future has in store for him, but what's more important is what your future has in store for you. You are way cooler than your ex. Remind yourself of that.

[PhoenixRising15]

 

That's all I got for you.



after



after



I know when I need them.  I wish peace in your heart.

[Ironmanrises]

I will follow up Questions 

With some more 

Hang in there Century.

You know... .

We understand you here... .

And you are not alone.

[Hazelrah]

All of us have rough days.  Here's hoping they start becoming fewer and farther between.

[Century2012]

Thank you SO MUCH for all the hugs! Today is a better day. Watched the sun come up. Coffee on the balcony.

I read somewhere, outside of any BPD stuff, that it takes a good 6 to 8 months to fully recover from someone who has emotionally hurt us. I am at month 7, so I am praying big time that the tears yesterday are the "coming down the home stretch tears."

Hugs back!

[Calm Waters]

century I feel for you, its been 8 months for me since my BPD ' love of my life' rejected me, sent the police to warn me off, prompted my breakdown after her suicide attempt. I have read an enormous amount to come to terms with it all. Time does hel and i have just started to feel like I am turning the corner.

[ThanksForPlaying]

My ex was married once and he told me he moved in with his wife a month after they started dating. She got pregnant and they were married within a year. A year later their marriage was over.

About 6 months into our relationship, I started talking about marriage.  She told me "If you really loved me, you would have proposed 3 months ago ... .now it's too late so I don't want to talk about it".  No-win situation, fear of commitment ... .whatever you want to call it.

She was married after 6mths in her first marriage, lasted about a year.

[peas]

About 6 months into our relationship, I started talking about marriage.  She told me "If you really loved me, you would have proposed 3 months ago ... .now it's too late so I don't want to talk about it".  No-win situation, fear of commitment ... .whatever you want to call it.

Interesting. My uBPDexbf was talking marrying me three months into our r/s, which I agreed to and also wanted. Three months after that I got the bigtime devaluation, then he discarded me at month seven. 

[Century2012]

Yea, that whole rush to marriage thing is just not right. He "proposed" after we had been together maybe two months. I blew it off. But inside I was thinking, wow, he must be really into me. Later I learned that he had done the same thing with other people he dated. And did it in the relationship after me. And did get married. Ugh. I want to feel bad for the new girl. But then I think, any sane person would pause before accepting such a offer so soon into a relationship. I could go into more detail, but the crash scene is that I feel so stupid.

I have been looking inside myself and my "wounds." It felt so good to be so "loved" that I overlooked the red flags. Yet, I knew I was doing it.

Is this weird? I am angry with him because I had to leave when I realized it was not healthy for me.