Death vs. BPD

[HappilyNeverAfter]

Somebody mentioned it on here, I can't remember where, but the conversation was brought up that losing a relationship with a person with BPD was similar to having someone die.  In all honesty, I can deal with death.  There is closure.  At some point you find peace.  This disease allows none of that.  There is always the faint hope that you can be the one to help them. 

[DownandOut]

Agreed HappilyNeverAfter, I've dealt with plenty of death in my life and nothing feels worse than not having closure. Although this is a strange comparison, I believe that it is akin to the feelings a parent has that a missing child will one day return home, when in fact, they know deep down that that child is gone forever.

[HappilyNeverAfter]

My general disposition it to help. 

I know she is out there. 

I know she is sick. 

I am her husband. 

I am supposed to help.

But in reality, she doesn't exist. And do I really want to help her, or do I just want a hug? a kiss? for her to tell me she loves me?  She still exists, even though she never did.   

[MammaMia]

Happilyneverafter

Welcome to BPDF.  Your words touched my heart.  We all feel the loss of a loved-one with BPD so clearly.  It is like a knife cutting into our souls.

All we can do is try to understand the illness and offer love and support.  There are lots of good resources here to help, and I hope you have had time to review them.  They are honest and insightful.

This devastating mental illness hurts not only the person who has it but everyone around them.  We are committed to trying to make the lives of those affected better through kindness and support.  We all understand how difficult day to day life is and there is comfort in knowing others truly get what we are going through.

You are not alone.

We are here for you.  Please let us help.  

[DownandOut]

My general disposition it to help. 

I know she is out there. 

I know she is sick. 

I am her husband. 

I am supposed to help.

But in reality, she doesn't exist. And do I really want to help her, or do I just want a hug? a kiss? for her to tell me she loves me?  She still exists, even though she never did.   

You're right. She doesn't exist. The idealization that you created is the only thing that exists. I struggle with this daily my friend. It is only us now that could change it.

[heartandwhole]

I am supposed to help.

And do I really want to help her, or do I just want a hug? a kiss? for her to tell me she loves me?     

Hi HappilyNeverAfter,

These are really good questions.  I've been a helper by nature, too, ever since I was a child.  It's wonderful to help, but sometimes there is an unexpressed need in there just below the surface.  I definitely wanted a hug and a kiss for my efforts.  

I think the most loving thing we can do is support someone in helping themselves.  The other person has to want it, more than we do.  Otherwise we are trying to control them, for our own comfort and security – not very helpful.

I know you care for your ex wife, Happily.  That is normal and healthy.  Just remember that you and your children need you, too.    

heart  

[HappilyNeverAfter]

What troubles me the most is that I seem to  function well in every other area of my life.  As a teacher of students with disabilities, I refuse to let them use it as a crutch.  My saying to my class is, "The world isn't your mama, you better start taking responsibility for yourself."  Despite this tough love approach with my students and players, I let her off the hook.  I enable her.  I don't know why.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi HNA, Don't hold your breath waiting for closure in the wake of a BPD r/s.  That faint hope you have of helping is best left to professionals.  I entertained that hope during a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD and it proved unfruitful.  I enjoy helping people, too, but taking on that role in the context of a BPD r/s is a recipe for burnout, because the neediness of a pwBPD can be a bottomless pit.  I thought I would reach a level of equilibrium at some point in my marriage, which never happened, so don't be too hard on yourself.  Lucky Jim