My Story...

[HappilyNeverAfter]

Hello all,

I just want to start by saying thank you for all of the posts.  I cannot tell you the therapeutic relief I have gotten from this site.  To know that I am not crazy or alone in this world has meant a great deal.  So, without further adieu, my story:

I met my uBPDw while working at a video store to pay my way through college.  I was involved in a six year relationship with my high school sweet heart, but it was on the verge of ending.  As I am from a small town, I didn't feel that I could talk to anyone about what I was feeling because everyone just knew that A and I were going to live happily ever after.  One night I began to vent this to my uBPDw and she gave me an ear to listen to, and a proverbially shoulder to cry on. 

I look back now and see how wrong it was, but this role she played almost instantly turned into a romantic interest.  Immediately upon my breakup from A, my uBPDw and I began to text and call each other for hours.  These calls quickly turned into dates.  Then she dropped a bomb on me, she was leaving to move 12 hours away to pursue a youth ministry degree.  Despite the distance, we made it work.  Phone calls, webcams, mail, anything to keep the contact.  During this distance though, I began to notice some very alarming behaviors.  Messages on her FB wall from other guys that were extremely inappropriate, hanging up with me to take her exes calls.  I disregarded all of these things... .I was in love.  Her reasons seemed plausible.  2 months into her semester I packed for a week and went to stay with her... .at this point I should have realized what I had gotten myself into.

During the courtship uBPDw had been telling me of her falling out with a family friend she was living with.  Her parents were alcoholic abusers (some truth, some lies) and she had moved out at 16 to live with these people.  She had accused her friend's fiance of sexual assault and the family had "banished" her.  I fell for it, hook,line, and sinker.  When I went to visit, I not only got to see my uBPDw, but I saw her attacker.  Words were exchanged and we went about our separate ways.  That week was amazing, but it didn't add up.  Here was a 19 year old youth ministry major, who claimed to be a virgin, just recovering from sexual assault, performing acts that nobody fitting this description should know.  At the time red flags shot up, but she was gorgeous... .so I ignored them and enjoyed the ride.

Eventually, she dropped out of college within a few months and moved back to live with me.  She claimed to be sick and was failing classes due to having to be around her monster.  I gave her a place to live and for a while, it seemed perfect.  One day I came home and she said she was moving... .to her ex boyfriends mom's house.  She said it was close to her job and made the most sense.  This pattern continued, with her moving in and out of my place and living with other people (parents, summer camp job, etc.) for a few months.  Then all of her medical issues because the primary concern.

One night, after coming home from work, she was in the bedroom screaming in agony.  Rib pains, back pain, muscle spasms, vomiting, inability to keep down food, constipation, etc etc.  I took her to the ER to find out that she was refusing to be admitted.  Then seizures began, prompting her to agree to medical care.  Trips to 4 hospitals, a neurologist, gastro-enterologist (sp), etc.  All coming to the same conclusion... .there is nothing physically wrong with you, this may be caused by stress, or some underlying mental issues... .see somebody.   Finally, during one of our hospital visits…pregnancy.  Then, she lost the baby.  One month later, “She didn’t lose it, you are going to be parents to a little boy.”  5 months of bliss.  Now we are engaged.  Life is great.  S3 is born and life could not be better.  We have a new apartment, we are in love, our son is perfect.  It is time to plan the wedding.

One wedding is planned…and cancelled…by her.

The second wedding planned…and cancelled… by her.

The 3rd wedding planned… and cancelled…by her.   And now, another man.  She denies it, the condoms, men’s clothing, pictures on facebook, his presence at her house…they all tell a different story.  And yet, in a moment of weakness, we marry.

Two months after we are married, while on an overnight stay to her mom and step dads, I find a cell phone.  This cell phone is not part of our family plan.  Why is she texting her old boyfriend…boyfriends.  Great.  We’re through divorce, but no, she can explain.  Again I let her back.  Again, I am at fault.  I saw the signs, I ignored them.  I am addicted to her.

We resolve the issues and things are #trending positively.  Until I notice alarming behavior.  She doesn’t get off the phone, ever.  Who could she be talking to, at 1 a.m.?  Why does she sleep with her phone?  She is having an affair with a boss at her company.  The promotion makes sense.  I get the court papers.  But wait, she has cancer.  You wouldn’t divorce somebody with cancer would you? What if you were the insurance provider?  Now would you? 

In your presence, she calls and tells him she will not ever talk to him again.  She will not acknowledge the affair, only a friendship.  She returns the car he gave her, gets her and S3’s belongings from the house.  He won’t give the dog back.  I don’t care, it wasn’t my dog and I didn’t like it anyway, collateral damage.  I have my life back.  It is now increasingly apparent that although she is doing these things, this relationship is my fault.  I am the only one healthy enough to get out.  I don’t.  Why, I am a teacher, coach, youth leader… my image is everything, and I love her.

Two weeks later, she is pregnant.  Life is great again, on the surface.  I don’t trust her, don’t want to go near her, question my son’s paternity.  I am living in hell.  2 months before child number 2 is born, uBPDw quits her job.  23 years old making $50,000 and she quits to start a consignment shop, I am furious.  I find out the affair with her boss is making the rounds.  The OBGYN confirms that there is no cancer.  My son is almost here.  I keep tight lipped, and smile.  What else do I do?

My son is born, or is he mine.  Her loverboy says paternity proves he is mine.  Whew, that’s a relief.  Things go smoothly until, she becomes youth ministry leader at the church we joined.  The one I suggested, the one I attended before her.  Now she has a new host.  The weep for her cancer, sob at the way I treat her.  She says she is moving out. 

Good.  I will not enable you.  My final thoughts to her: D, I will always love you more tomorrow than I did today.  But if you move out, I am filing for divorce.  She moves out on a Wednesday.  Papers are filed on Thursday.  I am going through with it.  I am a good person, a decent person, a deserving person.  Deserving of love, happiness, and true affection.  D, I love you, nothing can change that.  But, you don’t love me, and I now realize that nothing can change that either.  I am taking my life back and protecting our son’s.  I wish you could respect that, I know that you can’t.  The current relationships…bother me.  The black paint with which she has decorated me…eats at me.  The people I have lost…I wish I could save. 

I am now experiencing peaks and valleys.  Days of hope and happiness and days of depression and sadness.  But, all of these emotions are real.  Which is more than I can say about the previous 5 years of my life.

I know the writing is somewhat shifty and sporadic, but that is kind of my general emotional being right now.  Thank you for reading. 

[Turkish]

Good.  I will not enable you.  My final thoughts to her: D, I will always love you more tomorrow than I did today.  But if you move out, I am filing for divorce.  She moves out on a Wednesday.  Papers are filed on Thursday.  I am going through with it.  I am a good person, a decent person, a deserving person.  Deserving of love, happiness, and true affection. 

I know the writing is somewhat shifty and sporadic, but that is kind of my general emotional being right now.  Thank you for reading. 

Yes you are. No one deserves that kind of abuse. No one (well, Hitler, maybe... .). Children are our blessing, even these gifts given to us in the depths of hell. It is up to us, the stable ones, to lead them out.

[HappilyNeverAfter]

Children are our blessing, even these gifts given to us in the depths of hell. It is up to us, the stable ones, to lead them out.

Preacher Turk! I could not have said it better myself.  My boys are well worth the pain that I am currently experiencing, and then some.

My biggest fear is that like my uBPDw did, probably as a result of being raised by a dBPD mother, my sons will end up with this life sentence.   

I can't... .I won't let that happen.

[Turkish]

Children are our blessing, even these gifts given to us in the depths of hell. It is up to us, the stable ones, to lead them out.

Preacher Turk! I could not have said it better myself.  My boys are well worth the pain that I am currently experiencing, and then some.

My biggest fear is that like my uBPDw did, probably as a result of being raised by a dBPD mother, my sons will end up with this life sentence.    

I can't... .I won't let that happen.

I have S3 and D1. your BPDw sounds a lot less functional than mine... .(for now). I am keeping a close eye, because I know when mine goes out (of the house finally), what she will go through (knowing her past like I do, the almost suicidal state she was in with her one "true love" ex a few years before mine). Feel free to message me any time if you need support or to compare notes. My own struggle is my vengeful spirit. I hate it now, and struggle with it every day.

[HappilyNeverAfter]

I am really starting to see that all of the healing has to come from me.  I tried to fight back when she started to smear me.  I thought it would make me feel better for others to know what I was experiencing.  I showed them text messages, pictures, any evidence I had.  All it did was make me realize how stupid I was to stay in it for so long.  It was beneficial, but it didn't take the pain away.

[Learning2Thrive]

My final thoughts to her: D, I will always love you more tomorrow than I did today.

Oh my goodness... .  I used to tell my uBPDex that I loved her even more today than yesterday.  And I did.  I still do.  BUT... .I often wished it would end... .she was a bottomless pit of need. No amount of giving on ANY level would quench her thirst.  In fact, the more I gave, the more she needed.     I should have seen it.  But I wanted to believe she was my special gift in this life. Looking back... .Special?  Oh yeah... .but not the good kind.

[Learning2Thrive]

Amending that last comment slightly... .

I truly am grateful to finally come face to face with what really needs to be fixed in my life:  ME!  I probably would never have reached this place without her because I learned to bury EVERYTHING that hurt from the time I was an infant.  And there was a lot that hurt.

She brought everything to the surface and I am in agony.  But I have a chance to recover.

Chances are, she never will.  Whether she does or whether she doesn't is not my concern.  The only way it could ever be successful is if she does it on her own.

Hang in there.  It gets better... .it really does.