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[PhoenixRising15]

Today, I'm a bit more peaceful than the last few days.

Making the connections between my past abuse and my ex's abuse was a hard few days.

Realizing that I will never have the mother I want was hard as well.

Part of me wants to talk to my father about this.  I think he will understand.  My mother divorced him twice (possible BPD/NPD)

but they ended up back together both times.  I hate watching her emotionally drain him, but he's made it this far.  I love him no matter what.

Ironically, when I first started talking with a therapist about my abuse, I thought my mother was emotionally avaialble and my father cold.  Now, I see I may have had that wrong.

it was the hours of hearing them argue, and my mother begging at my father's door to please tell her his emotions that convinced me he was cold.  And then she'd come talk to me about it.  I was her marital counselor since the age of 10.  Terrible bhit.

She poisoned my thoughts of him.

It was also watching their emotional volatility, the screaming matches, the silent treatments.  Never wanting to say a word or be heard in the house.  Always thinking I could somehow set off the delicate terrible balance that was their marriage

The blessings I have received from my ex:

A realization that I've got an unhealthy attraction to women who can be the mother I never had.  Only I can give myself that kind of adult love and take care of my inner child.  A SO can add to that, but I need to heal that wound on my own.

Connection to my anger.  My ex raged so easily at me, I took it on.  I even told her.  It's easy for me to get sad.  It's hard for her.  It's easy for her to get mad.  It was hard for me.  She demonstrated it for me, and I saw it was ok.  But it also can hurt others.

Anger has never and still is not something that is easy for me.  I try to understand, rationalize, empathize and explain away/  Sometimes anger, especially when in pain, can be a normal reaction to push people away.  To keep away those that hurt me.

Connection to my selfishness.  Before her, I was a martyr, and I knew it.  I always figured that if i gave enough I would get in return/

Now, I know that is only in people who appreciate that.  Some will take advantage.  My ex was so selfish, she let me know that was ok.  I wouldn't die if i did something for myself.

This may seem strange to some, but my history is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  My only answer was it's my fault and if only i'd done more, I wouldn't feel the pain I did then or do now.

Each day I learn and grow more that these were unhealthy coping mechanisms and I'm learning to set boundaries.

Thank you to all who have been here for me.

Although right now I'm ok and today is an ok day, only the universe knows what tomorrow will bring.

One day at a time.

QF signing off.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, QuestioningFaith 

It wasn't your fault, you know, and you are a good person 

You have a good heart... .

I'm so glad today was more peaceful for you 

  Rapt Reader

[Rose Tiger]

The blinders are definitely off for you, you have made it through that incredibly thick wall of denial.  It wasn't your fault and you did not deserve to be abused.     Continue working on boundaries and loving yourself unconditionally, be kind to your inner child.