Is it fair to say...

[houseofswans]

... .that a pwBPD will get what they can from a relationship and then move on?

Thinking back to our time together, it was ALL me giving to her, never reciprocated. I feel like I'd been bled dry. I got her out of sticky situations financially, paid for food, utility bills, meals out, etc... .

And I feel that as soon as I started to rail against her behaviour, that was when the devaluation started. She didn't get as close to me as I wanted her to. In fact, I told her several times that I was a simple soul and just wanted the occasional hug, gentle stroke, or kind words. I never got them, but we were still together and I still helped her out financially.

Almost as if she was keeping me hanging on until someone else came along... .

I'm specifically thinking about her and the New Mr X.

She's just so excited about the thought of working with him to get herself published (as he has the right connections and gravitas within the research she's undertaking).

She said that "He's famous!"

It seemed to me that it was all what can she get from him rather than what she can give to him in return.

It sounds terribly mercenary from a non's point of view, and I'm wondering if she would throw herself into an affair with this married man, just because of what he offers?

[HarmKrakow]

... .that a pwBPD will get what they can from a relationship and then move on?

Thinking back to our time together, it was ALL me giving to her, never reciprocated. I feel like I'd been bled dry. I got her out of sticky situations financially, paid for food, utility bills, meals out, etc... .

And I feel that as soon as I started to rail against her behaviour, that was when the devaluation started. She didn't get as close to me as I wanted her to. In fact, I told her several times that I was a simple soul and just wanted the occasional hug, gentle stroke, or kind words. I never got them, but we were still together and I still helped her out financially.

Almost as if she was keeping me hanging on until someone else came along... .

I'm specifically thinking about her and the New Mr X.

She's just so excited about the thought of working with him to get herself published (as he has the right connections and gravitas within the research she's undertaking).

She said that "He's famous!"

It seemed to me that it was all what can she get from him rather than what she can give to him in return.

It sounds terribly mercenary from a non's point of view, and I'm wondering if she would throw herself into an affair with this married man, just because of what he offers?

No. It's not fair to say that a pwBPD only leaves when she took everything and she is done with you.

The moment a pwBPD person breaks up with you, is most likely, mentally, even worse for her than it is for us. Their mental capacity goes ape-sh!t and a lot of ancient fears in her are triggered wanting to push away from you as much as possible. The smear campaign then starts (You non BPDer are a piece of sh!t! etc... ) to let her self believe that what she did (breaking up) was a good thing!

For a person to stay in a relationship, and only take what is there, and then fully consciously go to another partner and suck them dry has nothing to do with BPD but people like that are full blown sociopaths.

A BPDer doesn't leave you consciously. They are triggered by enormous pain in their mind, and that pushes them away from you as far as they can, and at points like that, every grass at whichever neighbor, is greener than yours. And then the dance begins again, cling, cling, honeymoon, clinging phase, and boom hatred and another member on bpdfamily is born.

[Aussie0zborn]

Well said, but I agree with both of you. Surely there is a sociopathic element in BPD?

I say this  because both of you have described my situation perfectly.  The taking and not reciprocating (I too asked for a warm hug - that's all I needed) and at the same time her mind has gone apesh!t convincing herself she is better off without me seeing as I was conspiring to abandon her and latching onto a guy from her past before our relationship was over.  And now it's my fault she can't pay the mortgage on her own - see how bad I am for her?

[HarmKrakow]

Well said, but I agree with both of you. Surely there is a sociopathic element in BPD?

I say this  because both of you have described my situation perfectly.  The taking and not reciprocating (I too asked for a warm hug - that's all I needed) and at the same time her mind has gone apesh!t convincing herself she is better off without me seeing as I was conspiring to abandon her and latching onto a guy from her past before our relationship was over.  And now it's my fault she can't pay the mortgage on her own - see how bad I am for her?

What you have to understand and what one of the biggest issues is with dealing with someone with pwBPD is that it's not conscious sociopathic behavior. They do not do it on purpose, with the intent to hurt someone. Even if they hurt someone on purpose, and they say they do it on purpose, is triggered by immense ancient fears within them. Basically, what i am saying is that you can't purely blame them for this behavior. Someone isn't born with BPD, you might be genetically more vulnerable for it, but you develop BPD due to intense drama in your childhood.

They feel immensely threatened, they have a war-zone in their head when all this fears are triggered. The moment these fears are triggered, the battle for you as a non is already over. You can do whatever you can, money, hugs, warmth to them, they won't give anything in return. In moments like that they are already frantically searching for what their brain considers stability. This can be ___ing someone new, a new relationship. You think they understand the pain they cause to you? No of course not. They don't.

[Century2012]

You are right harmkrkow.

It is not conscious. My exBPD and I broke up 3 times. By me ... .I took him back twice, but he knew the third time was the final straw. Anyway, in all three breakups he was in the sack with someone else in a matter of days!

I asked him why he did that. (One of the girls fell for him so hard she was posting stuff all over FB and trying to contact him thru me ... .and he was only "with her" for 2 weeks.) Anyway, he really hurt her. All he had to say was that he thought fxxxing someone else would make him feel better.

[Ironmanrises]

Well said, but I agree with both of you. Surely there is a sociopathic element in BPD?

I say this  because both of you have described my situation perfectly.  The taking and not reciprocating (I too asked for a warm hug - that's all I needed) and at the same time her mind has gone apesh!t convincing herself she is better off without me seeing as I was conspiring to abandon her and latching onto a guy from her past before our relationship was over.  And now it's my fault she can't pay the mortgage on her own - see how bad I am for her?

What you have to understand and what one of the biggest issues is with dealing with someone with pwBPD is that it's not conscious sociopathic behavior. They do not do it on purpose, with the intent to hurt someone. Even if they hurt someone on purpose, and they say they do it on purpose, is triggered by immense ancient fears within them. Basically, what i am saying is that you can't purely blame them for this behavior. Someone isn't born with BPD, you might be genetically more vulnerable for it, but you develop BPD due to intense drama in your childhood.

They feel immensely threatened, they have a war-zone in their head when all this fears are triggered. The moment these fears are triggered, the battle for you as a non is already over. You can do whatever you can, money, hugs, warmth to them, they won't give anything in return. In moments like that they are already frantically searching for what their brain considers stability. This can be ___ing someone new, a new relationship. You think they understand the pain they cause to you? No of course not. They don't.

Harm... .

I get what you are saying.

I do.

In bold.

They may not understand the pain... .

They are causing you... .

Is true... .

But... .

They are aware... .

That they are... .

Causing you pain.

That... .

Awareness... .

Speaks volumes.

They know they are going to hurt you.

It is not a completely unconscious... .

Thought process that transpires... .

In their brain.

Their awareness... .

Of this... .

Betrays that.

[HarmKrakow]

Well said, but I agree with both of you. Surely there is a sociopathic element in BPD?

I say this  because both of you have described my situation perfectly.  The taking and not reciprocating (I too asked for a warm hug - that's all I needed) and at the same time her mind has gone apesh!t convincing herself she is better off without me seeing as I was conspiring to abandon her and latching onto a guy from her past before our relationship was over.  And now it's my fault she can't pay the mortgage on her own - see how bad I am for her?

What you have to understand and what one of the biggest issues is with dealing with someone with pwBPD is that it's not conscious sociopathic behavior. They do not do it on purpose, with the intent to hurt someone. Even if they hurt someone on purpose, and they say they do it on purpose, is triggered by immense ancient fears within them. Basically, what i am saying is that you can't purely blame them for this behavior. Someone isn't born with BPD, you might be genetically more vulnerable for it, but you develop BPD due to intense drama in your childhood.

They feel immensely threatened, they have a war-zone in their head when all this fears are triggered. The moment these fears are triggered, the battle for you as a non is already over. You can do whatever you can, money, hugs, warmth to them, they won't give anything in return. In moments like that they are already frantically searching for what their brain considers stability. This can be ___ing someone new, a new relationship. You think they understand the pain they cause to you? No of course not. They don't.

Harm... .

I get what you are saying.

I do.

In bold.

They may not understand the pain... .

They are causing you... .

Is true... .

But... .

They are aware... .

That they are... .

Causing you pain.

That... .

Awareness... .

Speaks volumes.

They know they are going to hurt you.

It is not a completely unconscious... .

Thought process that transpires... .

In their brain.

Their awareness... .

Of this... .

Betrays that.

I agree. But I think the point was more that when the BPD 'attacks' you, is not at the point of consciousness in the mind of a BPDer. Therefore, what a NON feels, is that the BPDer might do it on purpose, or some intent to hurt you. When they hurt you, they don't do that conscious.

When they don't hurt you, they have consciousness of having hurted people before or even going to hurt other people. But they are in a relationship, with the intent of stability for their own mind and safety. They don't want to break up with you, or start a smear campaign or any of that nor as you would like that. They do so, because they feel triggered by an alarming amount of christmass bells in their head which all go off at the same time, meaning, head goes fully in ape-sh!t modus.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Excellent posts from HarmKrkow, thankyou.


I was thinking the other evening - it's a bit like what it must have been like to have dyslexia back in, say, the 1950s, before it was widely-known about or understood or any of the useful treatments and aids available.

So the dyslexic person would fail at school, fail in training placements, not get the promotion at work... .and everyone pointed the finger at the results of their behaviour and hollered "YOU are LAZY! You are STUPID!" and on the inside the dyslexic person must have been so frustrated and confused. They knew they're putting in all the work everyone else does, they're trying their hardest to pass this exam, they're maybe even doing extra work - but still they fail, and everyone looks at the results of their efforts and says "You are LAZY! and STUPID!"

And a person with BPD sees relationship after relationship fail, even though they truly truly want this to work, they want to love and be loved, they want to have a long-lasting secure relationship... .but instead it goes wrong every time and they surely must be so bewildered as to why this happens, when they put so much effort in. And everyone looks at the results of their behaviour and hollers, "you are EVIL! you are SADISTIC! you are trying to hurt me!"


I sure as hell feel a lot better since I broke contact to send my ex an email apologising for the harsh things I said, that I know he has never deliberately set out to hurt me and that I understand a little better now I've calmed down that we have been hurting each other, which is why we must have a very long silence.

The dyslexic trying so hard but seen as lazy and stupid... .the BPDer trying so hard but seen as callous and evil... .

Both with minds subtly but comprehensively wired up differently, for whatever reasons. Neither able to recognise what is happening, without diagnosis and acceptance of diagnosis. Neither able to overcome any of it by effort of will alone... .

(No offence to anyone with dyslexia! It was in the context of "before it was really known about" because I've known several people who suffered a lot in the past from being told over and again how stupid and lazy they were, when it was all along dyslexia... .)

[Turkish]

No. It's not fair to say that a pwBPD only leaves when she took everything and she is done with you.

Yep. She got two kids out of me, and then had herself permanently fixed so she would have no more with me or anyone else. Ever. She knows, and still acknowledges that I am a great father (thankfully), so she can detach and play teenager, looking for that love she felt she lost with me, somewhere else. Forever and ever.

I gave her the financial stability, the home, the nice car (at the very end, stupidly after the affair already started), supporting her working less so she could go to school part time... .so I stupidly thought the stability could have her work on herself. But the comfort delayed her growth (no pain, no suffering... .but they always suffer, so no matter). She is done with me, looking for a "guru" to help her grow. Foolish girl! In a sick way, i was more of a father than hers. She will never find another, because she will never have kids with another. The superficial relationships she will get into, despite wanting more, will be "safe", because they will not be mature. How does one grow like that?

She doesn't see it. She will find out the hard way.

Or she won't.