Engage or continue to be ignorant...

[Retro1974]

Hello all,

For those who may recall, three months ago I came on here to seek advise about my BPDex who said she was pregnant but had no proof, then claimed to have a chemical pregnancy and 'vanishing twin' etc (see link)... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=205437.0;topicseen

Well 3 months on from my last post on that topic, I have moved on and now seeing someone new and really happy after 8 weeks.

Now with the issue with my BPDex, I've always said that I was 90% that she wasn't pregnant - keeping a log of the times she's been trying to contact me - since that time at the end of August, I've had four attempts at my landline (two being this week) and also tried to add me on Facebook.

The first attempt this week was followed by an e-mail stating that I can't ignore her forever because she often used to go to away games for the football (soccer) team we both support and the next one is tomorrow... .

She continues... .

'Right now, if we see each other it would probably result in tensions being high by a lot of people. The break up isn't even the issue. The fact you left me to go through a miscarriage & abortion is what needs addressed. Imagine if we don't talk about that and then do bump into each other at a game, pissed up. I don't want to be with you. I know that is probably the main reason you are avoiding me. I want this to be dealt with because that impacted me in a big way. The CMHT (community Mental Health Team) intervened. I am on a mood stabiliser now so I am placid. But this is a massive thing you owe to me. Have the decency to address it. Otherwise each time we see each other who knows what will happen? We can't avoid each other for the rest of the season, or our lives. Well, unless one of us chooses not to go but that is so not gonna happen and I wouldn't expect it to. Unblock me on #NAME# account and we will take it from there. Be adult about it.'

Whether the case she was actually pregnant or not is now irrelevant - tbh, what massive thing do I actually owe her?

My question goes out to forum, do I continue to be ignorant (even at football games and just not give the second glance)? Or am I now obliged to engage? Or is she trying to make some kind of peace so not to look a complete fool if she does 'get irate'? My plan is to continue on since end of July and be ignorant... .

Just a footnote, my current gf and I have spoken about her (as you do when that time comes of discussing past exes - but I have not been dishonest about my BPDex to her) - and in a way I am trying to protect her because my BPDex has been known in the past to try and contact my friends via FB to get to me... .

[HappilyNeverAfter]

Ignore, ignore, ignore!  Do not engage.  Do not respond.  I had many situations where there was an opportunity to get away from my uBPDw.  I always worried about the consequences of her threats, the way I would be perceived by others etc.  Needless to say, I stayed, and the emotional consequences have been brutal.  You owe her NOTHING.  She is a parasite and she wants you as a host.  Good luck, Retro.

[HarmKrakow]

I am a firm believer of NC, and ignoring. But if I was in your shoes, I would engage. I would. I mean that. Not to hurt you or any case but the mail she writes is so specific to one part, that I would address the issues she mentions in an email.

I would mail back. Brief, short, and to the point. Mention that it is not your problem, mention that considering action A, B, C, D, E, F, G, and H (I forget the rest) you think you don't owe her anything because of that.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Retro1974,

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening again.  I read your previous thread, that was very tough to go through. 

My 2¢:

It is your choice to engage or not engage.  You don't have to engage with anyone. 

You did not abandon her to have an abortion/miscarriage.

You don't owe her anything.


Retro, if you go to the football game and your ex gets in your face, you have choices.  You can speak to her and be civil (which requires good boundaries).  Or, if that's too much to handle, you can walk away, or stay home. 

You get to decide what you will do, not your ex.  I know a message like that would make me feel anxious.  She has tried this method to engage you before, and you seem to be uncertain about what your "rights" are.

I think it would be good for you to get really solid on what you want, what you don't want, and what you will do if x,y,z happens, etc. 

Act on your values. You can be firm and kind.  You can stay home.  You can re-engage.

You have choices.

We're here for you. 

[Retro1974]

Thanks.

It appears as if I'm doing the right thing and continue to be ignorant. It'll be a test no doubt when we ever come face to face (I'm pretty sure it will happen); but i reckon I can keep that mentality.

[Retro1974]

I thought I'd update you all on the what's happened in the past few weeks since the last post.

The case with my BPDexgf is still ongoing but on an occasional basis. Having thought that I would've heard the last from her, I now get a couple of messages from someone I recognise on our football team's supporters bus telling me to consider having a conversation with her. It seems (and it follows a pattern like two-three days before a trip) that she's contacted this guy (for a neutral point of view) to get him to tell me to have a chat with her. This first message happened this time last month - however I said to him that I wasn't ready if at all to speak to her. He came out saying things like she's changed for the better etc.

A couple of days later, I received a letter from my ex saying that we needed to talk eventhough WE both have moved on, because of the fact we would potentially meet up at these games and that some important issues we needed to discuss, while not under the influence of alcohol.

I ignored the letter but wary that the next trip is this Saturday, I considered and at her request unblocked her Facebook account - without telling her so I can get over the 48hr hurdle so I could reblock her again. Anyway, it happened last night not through Facebook but over the phone as my ex believed that 'this sensitive nature' was inappropriate for Facebook - still had no proof either way if she was or wasn't pregnant I might add.

So the phone call started to suggest that she's now a changed person for the better; lost weight; on mood stabilisers; makes out that she's more attractive than before; going to college etc... Nothing really to do with her needing the 'closure' she wanted from an abortion and miscarriage that she apparently had. Anyway, the conversation started getting a little irrelevant by making small-talk about what we were doing with our lives etc. and then she went on saying that she had slept with 4 men since our split in trying to find a replacement - expecting a jealous reaction from me, I just dismissed it and said it was her life to do what she wanted now.

But when I said that I was seeing someone, that's when she started to get annoyed - me and my current gf have been seeing each other since the end of August and my ex literally damned me for dating and seeing someone at a time when 'she was going through preparations for an abortion of a baby' that I still had no knowing whether it was true or not - she was that p1ssed that she tried to get out of me who, asking me if she was prettier than her, better in bed etc. - being completely nosey.

In total this phone-chat took over 3 hours, in which the latter half of it was her wanting an understanding 'why I wasn't there when I said I would' - she couldn't accept that I had no proof and she wouldn't send her scan at 12 weeks because she only one copy of it and stuff and started showing her original colours of how she was once.

To round off, she said that she wanted a proper apology for what I had done to her (kindly putting across that she would give an apology for what she did to me violently), but she wouldn't accept it over the phone and expects me to make the hour trip to see her (so she can judge in person if I'm truly sorry). I made an excuse that I'm busy all week and then she started getting arsey and said that I wished her 'unborn babies' dead and if I didn't find a timeslot for her this week then she would start telling people how much of a nasty piece work I am for what I've done... .

I cut off then, one reason was that it was 2am at that time. Apart from last night, I followed the Non-Contact approach but I did discuss the scenario with my gf and perhaps agreed that a one-off contact could cross it off the list and go our own seperate ways afresh for 2014, but I just got a feeling that won't happen after the 'chat' last night.

I can accept if people on here may think I've been harsh to do what I did - in aspects of the mystery abortion and miscarriage. She does make me feel guilty as if I have abandoned her and gone on to carry on with my life - but I feel, being harsh again, last night was a waste of time and has just made me feel unsettled again - especially with the idle threat... .

[Retro1974]

*I meant me and my gf can start 2014 with everything in front of us - not split up. Oops!  

[GaGrl]

The phone call was a classic BPD attempt at recycling/re-engagement.

Keep at the forefront of your mind that, despite repeated requests, she has NEVER provided any proof of a pregnancy, complications of that pregnancy, nor an abortion.  I do not believe she will ever do so -- my intuition says she has no proof.

Anything that she tried to start with acquaintances, friends, fellow football clubbers would be based on a she said/he said situation.

Let it go.  Do not engage any further.