Need help with the Pain please

[Mazda]

I am struggling so much toad y.  I am sobbing uncontrollably.  Even after months it is so painful.  Please, someone stop this pain.

[maxen]

((Mazda))

[samthewiss]

What you are going through is familiar. You are not alone. Your Pain is real. It is not fair. You will get past this.

perhaps if you understood what was really going on in the relationship you might be able to work on it

I included a link

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211683.0

View

Reply #2 on: Today at 12:20:17 PM »

[HarmKrakow]

I am struggling so much toad y.  I am sobbing uncontrollably.  Even after months it is so painful.  Please, someone stop this pain.

A hug for you.

And some funny gifs.







And some interesting perspective's on life.

Dream of life

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wU0PYcCsL6o

I tried to give you a smile, something to watch and I want to let you know... You are not alone!  

[Accepting]

Sam I read that and it is great,  thanku.

Mazda you are feeling today what I felt yesterday. Hugs for you. Yesterday I felt so saddened n hurt, unexpectedly struggling. I held myself together til I had the house to myself then I just cried n cried. I posted on here and received some heartfelt messages which helped enormously.  You are not alone, we understand and feel the pain of it with you. Crying helps to bring some reprieve and calm. I hope this comes to you soon.

Hugs for you   from us all.

[dontknow2]

I am sorry you are in pain. I sob uncontrollably too, sometimes in a ball on the floor with my head in a towel.

Please be careful not to judge yourself for how long it is taking to heal. Bouncing back does not sound like it happens in these types of relationships. Learning to be glad about brief moments where you feel better can help too.

Please take care of yourself. Whatever it takes. For me this is showers, baths, specific songs, talking to friends/family, comedy movies, reading this board, getting books on BPD, going to BPD family support groups, mindfulness efforts, therapy, walks, etc... and do it as often as I need; not feeling guilty about it or what doesn't get done.

When nothing seems to work, remember you deserve the life you want.

[hopealways]

My T told me the pain is GOOD! It is the only way we can heal. It leads us to healing. She said don't try to prevent it or mask it. And let's not try to intellectualize it, let's just let us feel and we will get better!

[fromheeltoheal]

hopealways is right, the only way out of the pain is through it; masking, numbing, backing up, avoiding won't work.

The pain is the hurt leaving.  Help it leave by feeling it.

[Ironmanrises]

Mazda,

Know that your words are heard.

The crying after months have passed... .

I can relate.

My tears still rise to my eyes... .

And fall.

Most times... .

I don't even try and stop them.

Let the tears fall.

I am really sorry you are hurting.

The pain you feel... .

We feel too.

You are not alone.

Hang in there.

[The Mrs]

Your post touched me... .

Today I was diligently trying to put away all my clothes and shoes and purses and just plain old crap after getting the locksmith to open the lock my husband had put on our bedroom door after I left 2 1/2 months ago.  The funny thing is half the stuff doesn't even fit or it's stuff from ages ago.  All of a sudden this wave just came over me and I just wondered if I was ever going to feel "normal" again.  I understand we are constantly redefining normal, and that normal is highly overrated, and who says what normal is, but truth be told, this all just plain sucks.  And it's just not fair.  And what a waste.  And he still doesn't get it.  And he still blames me.  And it's not supposed to be this way.  But you know what, I did see the red flags within the first couple of weeks of knowing him and that was 26 years ago.  I even expressed my concerns.  And here I am 26 years later. 

[Turkish]

My T told me the pain is GOOD! It is the only way we can heal. It leads us to healing. She said don't try to prevent it or mask it. And let's not try to intellectualize it, let's just let us feel and we will get better!

Captain Kirk, from Star Trek 5:

"You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!"

[Supernova9star]

I understand we are constantly redefining normal, and that normal is highly overrated, and who says what normal is, but truth be told, this all just plain sucks.  And it's just not fair.  And what a waste.  And he still doesn't get it.  And he still blames me.  And it's not supposed to be this way.  But you know what, I did see the red flags within the first couple of weeks of knowing him and that was 26 years ago.  I even expressed my concerns.  And here I am 26 years later. 

It's amazing how time gets away from us and years later, in hindsight we see how we swallowed so much of the pain and kept holding on. I just kept thinking "oh maybe this time he does really get it and it will change." But it never did. And yes, it's always our fault in their eyes. No empathy or compassion for us. Just themselves.

Picking up the pieces is hard. Thinking things will ever be ok is hard. Going a whole day without thinking about him seems impossible. Getting used to sleeping alone is awful. Him not being there to talk to and share ideas with. I talk to myself a lot now. And memories just pop into my head like flashbacks. Totally un welcomed. And I cry. A lot. And I hurt. A lot. It truly does suck.

[Accepting]

Personally I need a lobotomy today. My mind is not working in my favour whatsoever. Trying really hard to focus on studying but guess what I keep thinking of instead. Aaaaaah!

[hopealways]

"No empathy or compassion for us."

Before I ever knew about BPD, I kept asking my BPD ex why she could not show empathy or compassion. I used these exact words always "compassion" and "empathy". She NEVER had a response. She would just continue her rage.

What makes it so difficult is that these people touch us at such a deep primitive level because they know we are emotionally vulnerable and that is why it is SO hard to heal, such as how hard it is for you today.  And for me as well.  But when you start feeling sad always bring the focus back to the one person who has NEVER been the focus of anything: YOURSELF.  Had you loved yourself and felt love growing up you would have never ended up in that relationship. 

[The Mrs]

Supernova9 you actually made me LOL tonight... .I have become the crazy lady who lives alone who went from talking to herself to now talking to her dog!  A couple of weeks ago I was informed that my husband never wanted the dog, I wanted the dog, but that like everything else once I got what I wanted I didn't live up to my responsibilities (?). So he took over the dog for the last 6 years but he was done with that.  So, now me and my dog are living in my little, itty, bitty "Zen bungalow".  And so much for sleeping alone, she started out on the floor, then she was at the foot of the bed, the first night it hit 34 degrees out she had her head on the pillow and I'm afraid by the first snowfall she'll be spooning!  

Accepting, I locked my front door today with one set of keys, took the trash out, started my car, ran a couple if errands, came back and couldn't find my house keys... .panic set in.  I live alone now.  Who am I going to call. This can't be happening.  Where do you think I found them?  In the trash that I took out!  All I could think is "I can't live like this!".

[fromheeltoheal]

What makes it so difficult is that these people touch us at such a deep primitive level because they know we are emotionally vulnerable and that is why it is SO hard to heal, such as how hard it is for you today.  And for me as well.  But when you start feeling sad always bring the focus back to the one person who has NEVER been the focus of anything: YOURSELF.  Had you loved yourself and felt love growing up you would have never ended up in that relationship. 

Yes, that is one possible belief but there are others.  Expressing emotional vulnerability takes courage, and the clincher is what do we do when that vulnerability isn't reciprocated?  Many of us assume it's because we aren't good enough or doing it wrong, shame and guilt, which are opportunities for work and growth, but that doesn't mean stop being vulnerable, it means be choosier who we express it to, because that's the only way true connection is created.

[Mazda]

Thanks all.  Cried myself to sleep last night and some more crying this morning.  I wonder if he even gives a second thought to me and what I am feeling.  No amount of trying to forgive and forget him works.  I just want to erase this part of my life from my memory.

[Turkish]

Thanks all.  Cried myself to sleep last night and some more crying this morning.  I wonder if he even gives a second thought to me and what I am feeling.  No amount of trying to forgive and forget him works.  I just want to erase this part of my life from my memory.

Mine wanted to sit down with me and watch a movie. Like we were just buddies, and the last six years and two kids meant nothing. I don't know why she is doing this... .trying to justify her choices? Making it like the cheating and leaving is ok, if she perceives that I am ok? I said no.

Went into the back yard and drank some beer. Listened to music. Watched the night sky. Cried now and then. She has no idea.

It's ok. It makes us who we are: healthy people with feelings.

[hopealways]

Thanks all.  Cried myself to sleep last night and some more crying this morning.  I wonder if he even gives a second thought to me and what I am feeling.  No amount of trying to forgive and forget him works.  I just want to erase this part of my life from my memory.

Mine wanted to sit down with me and watch a movie. Like we were just buddies, and the last six years and two kids meant nothing. I don't know why she is doing this... .trying to justify her choices? Making it like the cheating and leaving is ok, if she perceives that I am ok? I said no.

Went into the back yard and drank some beer. Listened to music. Watched the night sky. Cried now and then. She has no idea.

It's ok. It makes us who we are: healthy people with feelings.

I keep telling myself that the more pain comes out the closer I am to healing, so I do not suppress it, although it does suck feeling it!