My BPDw is only interested in herself

[Samuel S.]

With the therapy that my BPDw has been getting, going to school again, and doing some creative work, you would think she would be happy enough not to be verbally abusive. Nevertheless, she has gone from being what she has called a pretender to what I see her as being now as a cocky person who rarely will allow another person to speak. Thus, she really doesn't listen. I validate. I care. I always have, and I always will, but she continues to isolate herself in her own world of work and studies. Isn't a major reason why couples get married is to become a couple, to have common bonds, to have regular times together?

While this is my personal life, my professional life is fabulous. People talk, and I talk. We all listen. It is true relationship which I really enjoy.

I just wish that my BPDw would wish to have a true relationship where she could listen as well as speak instead of her doing her monologues and only being truly interested in herself.

[connect]

Hi there - I can relate to this. I have been thinking the same about my b/f recently. I am not sure if it's because:

1) Him talking only about himself is getting worse

2) My patience is getting stretched

3) He has always been like this and I have only just noticed

4) I am now walking on eggshells more and it's "safer" for me to listen to him rather than offer up my own conversations. (I suspect this is a big factor)

Over the past week I have been amazed at how one sided our evenings are conversationally. Have you tried anything to address it?

[an0ught]

Hi Samuel,

With the therapy that my BPDw has been getting, going to school again, and doing some creative work, you would think she would be happy enough not to be verbally abusive. Nevertheless, she has gone from being what she has called a pretender to what I see her as being now as a cocky person who rarely will allow another person to speak. Thus, she really doesn't listen. I validate. I care. I always have, and I always will,

Validation is not everything. Go back to my first 1000 or so posts and I was up all in arms about validation and avoided boundaries like the plague. However boundaries are as important. Both complement each other. Whenever I see someone stuck in their growth and I go back and check have they written lately about the other complementary tool I usually come up empty handed.

Her sense of self is fuzzy, fluid and likely in some way overlaps with you. For her to really sense you, recognize you and respect you is right now easy. Your boundaries from her perspective are too fluid, in some sense it is hard for her to fully visualize you separately form her fuzzy sense of self.

It may be worth visiting the workshops on boundaries and ponder whether there are things in your life for which you are willing to make a stand. Talking without end without making sure the other one is receptive to be flooded is respect less. You can't control her but you sure can control your side and walk after a threshold has been crossed.

We all want to be understood, validated and loved but in a BPD relationship it is as important to be respected as the former has little chance to survive without the latter.

but she continues to isolate herself in her own world of work and studies. Isn't a major reason why couples get married is to become a couple, to have common bonds, to have regular times together?

While this is my personal life, my professional life is fabulous. People talk, and I talk. We all listen. It is true relationship which I really enjoy.

It may be good that she has something different from you. Something she can explain to you. Something that gives her an identity different from you. While you may desire a close relationship is important to recognize the risks of having a weak boundary relationship https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0.

I just wish that my BPDw would wish to have a true relationship where she could listen as well as speak instead of her doing her monologues and only being truly interested in herself.

You love your wife and she is in therapy. It may be worth considering posting on the Staying board once in a while as that board has a more pragmatic focus. I'm sure you don't only wish things were different but want to change on your side so things become different.

[Samuel S.]

AnOught, I have done validations. I have done boundaries. In fact, I have done so much of them, but she still continues to be stubborn, not being able to respect me. I respect myself, because I am important. I make that point very clear to my BPDw. Nevertheless, she still wants to separate herself from me to the extreme. Granted, it's important for us to do our own thing; however, she freely admits that she has gone to the extreme and refuses to compromise. So, while your points are very well taken and while I have done validations, boundaries, and respecting myself and her, she is the uncompromiser which is absolutely the total opposite of how she was earlier in our relationship. Her so-called therapist, a medium who is now acting more like a counselor, seems to have a major hold of my BPDw. I also suspect that since her so-called therapist is divorced and has extremely influenced her and other women, that this so-called therapist hates men. Thus, my BPDw is highly influenced by her. In fact, there was an example of her influence on my BPDw some time ago. I came up with a very creative invention. I was really for it. My BPDw said I should wait for her to check with her so-called therapist to give me permission to go ahead. I said: "now, wait a minute. You want to do that and not trust my judgment?" She said: "I just want to be sure." We got into a big argument about that for a large amount of time, until I just became mentally exhausted. That was the beginning of the fall of our relationship. By the way, when she got the permission that I would make millions, I pursued it, but it fell flat. When my BPDw asked her what happened, she said things change. Oh, brother!