UGH i want to die UGH UGH GUHGHHusdis

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

i haven't posted for a while (since i thought things had gotten better) but apparently they haven't

i have to go to the bank right now and do all of these things for the day

but i just realized my exBPD is engaged to someone just as crazy as he is

AND SHE IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN I AM and it's kind of like, are you really happy

or do you just not want to be alone, what was wrong with me?

i've fallen into the same loop and i don't even want him back ever

what are these feelings and what can i do to feel better? nothing is making me feel better. nothing.

i thought i was detached, what is happening to me?

like i said, i've been fine for almost a year, completely fine

it could be that i dated someone else (nonBPD) who i was very close to, and recently (a week ago) they had gotten back with an ex out of the blue who was too into psychedelics and turned into a vegetable; so he's a bleeding heart.

i think it only re-opened some scars, seeing as this person was totally trustworthy and didn't have red flags

does that make this healthy person worse?

it only happened a week ago

yes i am too focused on what other people are doing right now,

but it's only just started to become this way

with too many traumatic things happening in a short period of time,

i do believe it messes with your self-esteem, mine is shattered

i am beautiful and value myself highly

am i choosing people who are insecure? is that the problem?

WHY DO I CARE ABOUT WHAT MY EXBPD IS DOING OUT OF THE BLUE

seriously what will fix me

[confetti]

i haven't posted for a while (since i thought things had gotten better) but apparently they haven't

i have to go to the bank right now and do all of these things for the day

but i just realized my exBPD is engaged to someone just as crazy as he is

AND SHE IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN I AM and it's kind of like, are you really happy

or do you just not want to be alone, what was wrong with me?

i've fallen into the same loop and i don't even want him back ever

what are these feelings and what can i do to feel better? nothing is making me feel better. nothing.

i thought i was detached, what is happening to me?

like i said, i've been fine for almost a year, completely fine

it could be that i dated someone else (nonBPD) who i was very close to, and recently (a week ago) they had gotten back with an ex out of the blue who was too into psychedelics and turned into a vegetable; so he's a bleeding heart.

i think it only re-opened some scars, seeing as this person was totally trustworthy and didn't have red flags

does that make this healthy person worse?

it only happened a week ago

yes i am too focused on what other people are doing right now,

but it's only just started to become this way

with too many traumatic things happening in a short period of time,

i do believe it messes with your self-esteem, mine is shattered

i am beautiful and value myself highly

am i choosing people who are insecure? is that the problem?

WHY DO I CARE ABOUT WHAT MY EXBPD IS DOING OUT OF THE BLUE

seriously what will fix me

[snappafcw]

Hi confetti

I am really sorry you are struggling right now. But take a deep breath and know a small backwards step is very normal.

You fell in love with this person. You got attached and you had your heart broken. Of course you will feel some random moments of pain sometimes this far on and that just proves you are not crazy you are capable of adult emotions. Are you talking to anybody right now? I can relate to you a little and forgive me if I'm wrong but If we focus our time on our Ex's instead of ourselves there are probably still some self worth issues that need to be addressed. I am sure you are an amazing human being do not let you ex define you x

[confetti]

Hi confetti

I am really sorry you are struggling right now. But take a deep breath and know a small backwards step is very normal.

You fell in love with this person. You got attached and you had your heart broken. Of course you will feel some random moments of pain sometimes this far on and that just proves you are not crazy you are capable of adult emotions. Are you talking to anybody right now? I can relate to you a little and forgive me if I'm wrong but If we focus our time on our Ex's instead of ourselves there are probably still some self worth issues that need to be addressed. I am sure you are an amazing human being do not let you ex define you x

thank you, you're very right

i was talking to a T through some free mental health thing from the state... it ended recently because it only lasts so long without insurance, which i have no way of getting until the new law kicks in

you say that by focusing time on ex's you are inducing self-esteem issues... which is correct

but how do i get rid of this in my head in the first place?

my ex messaged me a while back saying he's sorry and that new fiancee or whatever sucks

that she is doing things i've never done (i'm the perfect girlfriend and stuff i know not to believe)

but after messaging me he went to her saying i messaged HIM

so then i get a message from her along the lines of

"we are laughing at you, we are always laughing at you, you're so pathetic"

maybe they are both BPD

i wasn't able to block that message because i had no idea i was going to get messages from her

they both still harass me anonymously to this day over it

it's driving me insane

[Learning_curve74]

Hang in there confetti. I think I understand how you might feel; every time somebody breaks up with me, I always wonder, "what is wrong with me?" It's depressing.

Maybe you are thinking about your exBPD because of the "echoes". It's only been a week since this other guy got back together with his ex, so it's natural to be hurt, sad, and emotional.

You said that you know you're a beautiful and valuable person. So you know that won't change no matter how you feel right now. It's ok to feel bad, you got through it before and you will again. A big hug for you in the meantime... . 

[Learning_curve74]

A suggestion if you can't block messages on your phone, you can change their names to something like "don't read" or "ignore this jerk" to remind you to ignore them. They obviously are a waste of your time, and tune is the one thing you can never get more of no matter how hard you try.

[Lady31]

Oh my goodness Confetti - your ex nut job and his CURRENT nut job are giving you the best validation EVER!

More beautiful than you are huh?  I doubt it.  She isn't enough for him either (no one will ever be) because he is contacting you, needing YOU in the mix.  NEEDING to reach out to you  - and of course he has to say you reached out to him because that would start an issue with his current nj. 

LOLOLOL... .who REALLY looks pathetic in this scenario?  And look at her?  WHO DOES THAT?  She is obviously not a very nice person to send texts to you like that.  So is she in your league then?  UH - NO!  Nowhere near honey.

She should be very careful in how she treats you - because there is going to come the day when she feels completely devastated bc of your ex nj and she will contemplate reaching out to you for validation... .  then she will remember how she behaved toward you and wished she didn't because she will SO need someone who understands the chaos.

He can act however he wants to on the surface to her about how he feels about you/thinks about you... .but it is OBVIOUS you are REALLY under his skin.

I mean seriously, this relationship isn't even soothing enough to get him to forget about you like so many of the BPDs do with their new love interest. 

VALIDATION COMPLETE!

Sorry you are going through the other with your recent break up. I don't really know what to say about that dynamic.  It probably is making you feel more vulnerable to the other chaos.  Hang in there.

[winston72]

What a bummer, Confetti.  So sorry for how you are feeling.  But, i like the combative reply of Lady31!  Yes!  What is up with your ex and his new fiance that they would text you such messages?  That is appalling, and indicative of something odd in their relationship... .to put it mildly.

Without knowing your full history it is hard to comment, but it does seem like the recent shift in your dating relationship would leave anyone a little vulnerable, and then hearing that an ex is engaged near the same time would induce some pain and self doubt.  Don't take it too hard or over interpret what it means about your recovery or your self esteem.  And do get some perspective on it all as Lady31 and others have pointed out.  What this all really describes is that you are fortunate to be out of that mess.

[leftbehind]

Please please please hang in there, Confetti.  You have had a lot of trauma, and are stuck in a bad moment right now, but it will pass.  Give yourself some time, and lots of love and pampering.  I'm glad you see the beauty in you, and can say it