I Have So Much Anger Towards My In-Laws (H's Parents)

[maryy16]

After joining this board and reading everything possible about BPD, I realize that while my H is now mentally ill, his illness did not have to happen.  I truly believe that he was born a wonderful, caring, considerate person, but after suffering the physical and (most of all) mental abuse from his parents, he was never able to learn any coping skills and, thus, we are where we are at today.

And I am so ANGRY!  I can't seem to let go of this anger I have towards his parents.  I realize that both of his parents are mentally ill and that I should have compassion for them, but I do not. 

My H had no contact with his parents for 11 years, but last year at a cousin's wedding, we reestablished a relationship with them.  At first things seemed okay... .their words "let's forget about the past and just move forward."  Fine, I'm willing to do that.

BUT, every time now that we see them, MIL brings up painful situations that happened when my H and his siblings were young.  For example, she would buy them a toy, then the next day take them back to the store, telling them that they didn't deserve it anymore. She continues to talk about these situations, almost with glee.  Rubbing salt in the wounds. No wonder he has trust issues and is thinking that everyone is out to get him!

My H's brother is dealing with a lot of mental issues also, but unfortunately, he cannot admit that anything is wrong.  My H's sister has become my inlaw's "caretaker".  50 year old woman, still living at home, having to take care of her parents.  She has never married or really had any long-term relationship because my MIL has brainwashed her into believing that she needs to be around for them.

I'm not sure what I am looking for here.  I know I should be forgiving, but while I can forgive my H, I cannot forgive his parents. My H is almost to the point of going no contact again, and I really feel that that may be best. 

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[martillo]

Most likely your H's parents learned how to parent from their own parents, so maybe try to change your viewpoint from "those people who mistreated and made my h the way he is" to "those people who were most likely mistreated as kids and did the best they could with the knowledge they had at the time as parents."

According to my in-laws, they raised their kids in a wonderful, "Leave It to Beaver" home and everything was hunky-dory; the kids were perfect and their family was perfect.  In fact that is one of my uBPDh "go-to," "pedestal-all white" words, "Perfect!"  Kind of makes me nauseous when I hear him use it because I know the other shoe will fall!

With all that said, I know that both my FIL and MIL were raised in less that ideal homes.  MIL, in particular, father was alcoholic and the back room whispers at family get-togethers is that he was also a child molester; MIL mom was diagnosed w cancer and MIL went to live w older sister when she was about 13-14 (or maybe for other reasons). 

MIL was stay at home mom and FIL was gone M-F traveling for work (I think to do his best to escape the craziness!)  UBPDh and his brothers tell stories of less than "perfect" parenting and the anger they feel about it, but will then do everything possible to win FIL and MIL approval and then talk about how wonderful things were growing up.   Unfortunately, uBPDh and his brothers are all frighteningly similar in their important relationships, so I know that genes and environment contributed to who they are! 

UBPDh is still filled w anger at his parents for retiring back to the state they grew up in (17 hrs away from us) about 8 years ago and "abandoning" their grandchildren.

With all that said, I thing my in-laws did the best they knew how to do at the time.  I don't think MIL knew how to deal w her own emotions (still doesn't, although now it seems she really may be delusional due to dementia), let alone those of 4 rambunctious, very close in age boys and FIL didn't know how to deal with the craziness, so escaped into work. 

I would love to blame in-laws, but they really believe they did a fantastic job and apparently so do their sons (including my uBPDh).  So, maybe I really am the crazy one... .

[123Phoebe]

Hi maryy   I want to apologize for referring to you as marvy before   I'm sorry.

I was having thoughts along this line earlier today...   My guy's mom can be something else.  It's hard finding anything nice about her right now, so I will just say that she makes a mean turkey and can set a beautiful table.  Hey, it's something!  Also, that she raised a really cool son

Something happened to her long long ago (alcoholic father) that has caused her to have some pretty strange coping methods.  They are not mine, thank goodness, so I'll leave her to them while I enjoy my life AND her son  

Can you think of a helpful (and healthy!) way to release some of your anger?  I'm making my old dog something scrumptious to eat, he'll love it and will be so happy   That will bring me joy, too.

[bpbreakout]

I know how you feel !

I like the idea of a "good enough" parent. I hope that when my children are older they see me like that, good in some areas maybe not so good in other areas & good enough overall. I hope we have the kind of relationship that allows things like that to be said, I never want to be portrayed as perfect.

My in laws (BPDw) are similar to yours, fine upstanding people who have done great things for the "community", 4 grown up children with families and lots of grandchildren all doing incredibly "well". However over the past few years things have fallen apart, the grown up children are always fighting with each other, 2 of them (including BPDw) have significant mental health issues, BIL has been caught embezzling and rumours of sexual abuse by FIL when BPDw and siblings were children. Sorry for the psychobabble but I would say in-laws are a classic narcissitic husband borderline mother "team" & to one of the othe psosts have taken very littlle interest in grand children other than boasting about their achievements.

We live in a different city but BPDw is spending a lot of time and energy looking after ailing parents. I respect her decision to do this & I don't say much her but it makes me really angry when I see they way BPDw has been **** on by her parents and they continue to pretend everything is perfect and wonderful, BPDw tends to go over to the "dark side" when she visits them. For reasons I don't want to go into I have cut off communication with them and do not allow them access to our children & they pretend the situation doesn't exist. I'm ok now but I have been angry with my in laws for a long time as I feel like I have spent years cleaning up the emotional mess they have caused - I get the impression your anger maybe similar.

Like you I have wrestled with the idea of forgiveness but frankly I just don't know the answer. Maybe there are some things only a god can forgive, maybe the people that need forgiveness need to ask for it rather than pretend nothing is happening, maybe our in-laws need to forgive us for our anger with them. I am eternally thankfull I am not like them.

Whatever the case it sounds wise to be keeping them at a distance. I

[HopefulDad]

Yeah, I'm feeling this way towards my BPDw parents, but more of a low-level burn rather than full-blown anger.  Her father was so domineering towards her and her older brother when they were kids.  Controlling as hell.  Verbally and physically abusive.  Their mother did nothing to stop it.  MIL simply went into a shell until FIL's rage blew over.  He was verbally abusive towards MIL as well, so I'm sure she feared backlash if she intervened.  MIL is also OCD about germs (wash hands after touching money, wash hands in bathroom sink and not kitchen sink, don't wear shoes in house) and she has mild panic attacks should you not follow her germ-free script... .must have been great to deal with that as a kid ("Ewww... .you're dirty!".

My wife has shared the stories about getting whipped with wire coat hangers, getting kicked in the stomach while in the fetal position on the ground, having her art school acceptance letter ripped up in front of her face and told, "You will get a useful degree in business!" (and she did).  She says she has forgiven them and maybe she has, but the damage is clearly done.  Her self-esteem was destroyed as a kid.  She was never validated.  She was never encouraged.  She was always told how flawed she was, never praised.  And here we are decades later and if she ever brings up these events with her mother (she can't with her father since she knows he'll blow up), she gets very defensive and says, "Why do you choose to remember only the bad things?  You think I'm an awful mother!"  We did the best we could!"  Cry me a river.

On a side note: BIL is one messed up guy.  I've always said that I'm amazed my wife turned out as well as she did and that I thought she would have been more like him.  Turns out she just hides it better.

[HopefulDad]

Adding to previous post... .

Strangely enough, my wife's parents who live 10 minutes away are very good with our 3 children.  My wife also recalls how FIL was very distant with her and her brother as kids, never holding them, never playing with them.  When our first was born (their first grandchild), he continued those ways, but something changed in him when our 2nd was born.  Now he's the typical playful grandfather with all of them.  MIL has been great with all of them from the get-go.

And with them so close, they help out a lot and that makes life so much easier especially when the burden* of being a SAHM wears on my wife.  This conflicts with the anger I feel towards them as they are good grandparents which is important to our children.

* both real and imagined, depending on my wife's state of mind