What is wrong with me?

[Knowingishalf]

I am set in my head that I am leaving, this is important to me that I have finally come to this realization.  Now knowing this is the best and only way for me personally to move forward I keep encountering interactions with my wife that I can't understand why I take it. Am I so broken/browbeaten that I can't stand up for myself in the most unbelievably silly accusations.  Apparently it was my fault she called me and in the processes got lost and entered a toll road.  Additionally, it was my fault since in the past we were riding together and I needed information from the gps about arrival time and she switched it to take toll roads.  It was also my fault she was lost in the first place (not sure how this relates to reality at all).  All of these accusations were yelled at me when she called me to let me know she was on the way home.  And I took it.  That last sentence is what I keep finding to be the problem, I am so terrified of her anger any more I just let this happen over and over again.  I was attacked in this manner multiple times just yesterday in the same manner.  I keep taking it.  There is no words or corrections or anything that I can do to change the outcome of her anger.  Even speaking to her is a tortuous affair, I am never sure how or what I will do wrong to unleash the anger back on me, but it always does.  It is the whole eggshell metaphor, excepting the saddest part.  I accept it, I used to fight back but she has won so thoroughly that I don't even muster a defense any longer.  I am so beat down to accept that kind of abuse daily and yet I know I am doing it.  There is the rub.  What is so wrong with me that I let another become so awful/abusive to me and am aware she is doing it and I let it go on this long... .  Self introspection day today these facts are I think the worst part of all this.

[nevaeh]

I could have written your post.

We have been married 18 years.  I have cycled through... .

(1)explaining myself (while acknowledging that I was wrong)

(2)defending myself (by explaining myself)

(3)being overly nice/loving to try and prevent him from thinking I am bad or wrong

(4)fighting back (in order to defend myself)

(5)crying while being yelled at because the other methods (1-4) didn't work

(6)explaining to him why he is wrong and that there is something wrong with him

(7)yelling/screaming at him telling him he is crazy as he is having a rage/temper tantrum

(8)standing there listening to him have a rage/temper tantrum while trying to keep calm

(9)walking out of the room or leaving the house while he rages

(10)to current... .complete disengagement... .letting him say whatever he wants to say, not defending myself, not getting mad, not telling him he is hurting my feelings, not asking him to stop... .just, simply letting it go.  My biggest strategy is to not engage in conversation with him, not to voice any opinions that differ from his, never telling him no to anything (because that means I disagree), not to ask him for help, basically, not ask him for anything or expect anything from him.

I, like you, find the fact that it has come to this disturbing and sad, to say the least.  However, like you, I am also planning to divorce so I think that makes it a little easier.  Why rock the boat when our time together is limited?

I would also argue that our behavior is simply because we have gone into survival mode.  It's a slow process, so slow that we don't really see it happening until we have already transitioned.  We have turned into someone we don't recognize.  We have allowed someone else to take over our thoughts and feelings without even realizing we were allowing it to happen.

What is wrong with us is that we have allowed it to happen and that we have allowed our pwBPD to mold us into the person we have become.  The key is that we have realized what has happened now and we are trying to make things right and to fix it.  I hope that after I get up the courage to leave my H that I can fix the thing that went wrong in me that allowed me to get where I am right now.  With a different spouse I don't think I would have turned out this way.  It is their issues that caused us to have to "change"... .it is our issue that we allowed ourselves to change.  I think that is the only thing WE can work on.  We cannot fix their issues!  Even though I thought I could for many years, time has proved that is not possible.

[Knowingishalf]

Your response is fantastic!

You are right on so many things, it is very inspiring to see it from another point of view.  I hope that I can get the help I need to get the strong person I once was back as well.  Therapy is something for me I know will not be optional.  I have considered what dating would be like(way in the future) but I don't know how to trust another persons reactions/motives any more.  I know I have a super lot of work for me to do on me... .