The Moonstorm and the Martyr

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey Lovelies,

It's been a while, I have spent some time away from here to focus on my little ones and myself, and it has been good.

I have been reflecting, noticing without judging, trying to observe myself gently. And I am in a good space, the word of the moment is Nourish. I am nourishing myself on many levels, moving a little slower, a little kinder.

A big observation is that when the moonstorm is on the horizon, (for those few days preceeding my period when I guess my hormones are shifting), I have to work really hard to maintain the good space. I feel vulnerable, irritable, short fused etc. And with the moonstorm the martyr shows her face. I catch it usually, but it throws me. It takes a deliberate self talk to not fall back into martyrdom. For me martyrdom is the shadow of codependency. Or perhaps just the part that I am exploring now.

It doesn't feel comfortable seeing martyr in myself. I know that I judge it pretty harshly too. Maybe its an old default? Maybe I have some value attached to it?

Thoughts please.

Tell me how you deal with it when you recognise martyr, and any gentle tips or tricks for moving her on?

Thank you!

Love Blazing Star

[Blazing Star]

Hey Lovelies,

It's been a while, I have spent some time away from here to focus on my little ones and myself, and it has been good.

I have been reflecting, noticing without judging, trying to observe myself gently. And I am in a good space, the word of the moment is Nourish. I am nourishing myself on many levels, moving a little slower, a little kinder.

A big observation is that when the moonstorm is on the horizon, (for those few days preceeding my period when I guess my hormones are shifting), I have to work really hard to maintain the good space. I feel vulnerable, irritable, short fused etc. And with the moonstorm the martyr shows her face. I catch it usually, but it throws me. It takes a deliberate self talk to not fall back into martyrdom. For me martyrdom is the shadow of codependency. Or perhaps just the part that I am exploring now.

It doesn't feel comfortable seeing martyr in myself. I know that I judge it pretty harshly too. Maybe its an old default? Maybe I have some value attached to it?

Thoughts please.

Tell me how you deal with it when you recognise martyr, and any gentle tips or tricks for moving her on?

Thank you!

Love Blazing Star

[HarmKrakow]

I don't recognize it, it just 'hits' like an unexpected stranger ringing the door.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Blazing 

The first thing I want to say is that I'm glad you are being gentle with yourself and taking time to be your blazing star self 

Hope you can be gentle with the martyr sister when she appears.  I think so many of us fall into that trap from time to time, I know I do. 

I think the best antidote to the martyr role is gratitude.  When I shift into thinking about the myriad blessings in my life, it's impossible for me to stay in resentment, scarcity, and insecurity.  How to get there in the midst of a moonstorm is another matter   but maybe a regular, gentle practice when you feel it coming on would calm the squall just a bit?

It's nice to see you. 

[musicfan42]

I use al-anon/12 steps and I find this very helpful personally for this issue. I also like the DBT skills too.

Sometimes, I still fall into that martyr role... but then I catch myself and stop it. I don't think all-or-nothing thinking should be applied to this issue... .no one is perfect... everyone makes mistakes... that's just part of being human. I came across this thing on relapse prevention-that you might have a slip, then a relapse, then collapse. A slip is when you lapse back into the habit again once. At this point, you can stop the slide back into the habit by saying "ok it's just a slip-get back on track again". A relapse is when you've been doing the old habit again for a while. At this point, you can still say "ok it's a relapse-I can get back on track". A collapse is when you've completely gone back to the old habit... even at this point, you can say "I can start again". So this model of relapse prevention is really helpful for me.

So okay, to summarize:

slip->lapse-> relapse->collapse

But then you can reverse the cycle:

collapse/relapse/lapse/slip-> get back on track

Getting back on track is really key.

[catsprt]

When I am alone, I stop the time, gently quiet the mind (stay), breathe softly and resume what I was doing.

If I am with company, it requires something more dynamic like mentally playing the " big sister" who is supportive, unconditional.

Finally, I make sure that I realize that it is up to me to fill any chosen role  .

[Blazing Star]

Hi Blazing 

The first thing I want to say is that I'm glad you are being gentle with yourself and taking time to be your blazing star self 

Hope you can be gentle with the martyr sister when she appears.  I think so many of us fall into that trap from time to time, I know I do. 

I think the best antidote to the martyr role is gratitude.  When I shift into thinking about the myriad blessings in my life, it's impossible for me to stay in resentment, scarcity, and insecurity.  How to get there in the midst of a moonstorm is another matter   but maybe a regular, gentle practice when you feel it coming on would calm the squall just a bit?

It's nice to see you. 

Thanks Heart  !

I love the practice of gratitude, and like you find it an instant energy shifter. During the moonstorm I am more gentle with myself, perhaps not gentle enough as she does bug me the Martyr Sister, so I guess I am wondering if I have value attached to that role still, the caretaker was big for me, and resentment can creep into that, the martyr is pretty comfortable with resentment. I would like to flip it around, make it empowering... .hmmmm food for thought.

Thanks again. Love Blazing Star

[Blazing Star]

So okay, to summarize:

slip->lapse-> relapse->collapse

But then you can reverse the cycle:

collapse/relapse/lapse/slip-> get back on track

Getting back on track is really key.

Hi musicfan!

I love this, it's really self compassionate, and yes the getting back on track is totally key. Sometimes something holds me in Martyr, and so I am now wondering if there is some resentment there that I need to look at too? Self compassion will help me do this gently I hope!

Love Blazing Star

[Blazing Star]

When I am alone, I stop the time, gently quiet the mind (stay), breathe softly and resume what I was doing.

If I am with company, it requires something more dynamic like mentally playing the " big sister" who is supportive, unconditional.

Finally, I make sure that I realize that it is up to me to fill any chosen role  .

True. It is up to me. I like this reminder. Thanks catsprt! Love Blazing Star