Transitory feelings... My thoughts.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Transitory feelings... .

Exhibited... .

And the stark contrast... .

As a direct reflection... .

Of the 2 personas... .

That make up... .

The pwBPD.

I remember... .

When my exUBPDgf... .

Returned to me... .

In round 2... .

And before I let her back in... .

Fully... .

I had told her... .

Exactly... .

How she had hurt me.

All of it.

In detail.

Her response... .

At that time... .

"I know I hurt you Ironmanfalls.

I am so sorry.

(Her crying as she was telling me this)... .

I will not hurt you again.

I know I have a mental disorder.

(Admission)... .

What do I have to do... .

To prove to you... .

That I will not hurt you again... .?

(Her crying still... .As she tells me this)... .

I want my man back... ."

Fast forward... .

To discard... .

Which was 5 months later.

I tell her... .

"Morena(my nickname for her)... .

You are hurting me.

(Her devaluation/silent treatment)... .

You are doing to me... .

What you did before.

You are hurting me.

Do you not see this... ?

Do you not hear what I am saying to you... .?"

Her response.

Silence.

Just f¥cking silence.

It was as if... .

My words... .

Dropped off... .

Into a void.

That is BPD.

My lack of self love... .

Kept me in that relationship.

My lack of self love... .

Let her back in... .

For round 2.

My lack of self love... .

Let a person... .

With transitory feelings... .

That only last... .

From point A... .

To point B... .

Into my world.

That includes idealization... .

And devaluation.

Self love... .

Would have protected me... .

From that.

Self love... .

Would have not let her... .

Back into my life.

My feelings are lasting.

A pwBPD feelings are transitory.

That is not in my best interests.

Self love... .

Would have assured me of that.

[Ironmanrises]

Transitory feelings... .

Exhibited... .

And the stark contrast... .

As a direct reflection... .

Of the 2 personas... .

That make up... .

The pwBPD.

I remember... .

When my exUBPDgf... .

Returned to me... .

In round 2... .

And before I let her back in... .

Fully... .

I had told her... .

Exactly... .

How she had hurt me.

All of it.

In detail.

Her response... .

At that time... .

"I know I hurt you Ironmanfalls.

I am so sorry.

(Her crying as she was telling me this)... .

I will not hurt you again.

I know I have a mental disorder.

(Admission)... .

What do I have to do... .

To prove to you... .

That I will not hurt you again... .?

(Her crying still... .As she tells me this)... .

I want my man back... ."

Fast forward... .

To discard... .

Which was 5 months later.

I tell her... .

"Morena(my nickname for her)... .

You are hurting me.

(Her devaluation/silent treatment)... .

You are doing to me... .

What you did before.

You are hurting me.

Do you not see this... ?

Do you not hear what I am saying to you... .?"

Her response.

Silence.

Just f¥cking silence.

It was as if... .

My words... .

Dropped off... .

Into a void.

That is BPD.

My lack of self love... .

Kept me in that relationship.

My lack of self love... .

Let her back in... .

For round 2.

My lack of self love... .

Let a person... .

With transitory feelings... .

That only last... .

From point A... .

To point B... .

Into my world.

That includes idealization... .

And devaluation.

Self love... .

Would have protected me... .

From that.

Self love... .

Would have not let her... .

Back into my life.

My feelings are lasting.

A pwBPD feelings are transitory.

That is not in my best interests.

Self love... .

Would have assured me of that.

[Learning_curve74]

Kudos to you, Ironman, for recognizing she couldn't give you what you want and need.   

I'm not sure that we've talked about it much, but I've been to the edge of the abyss too and the black void seemed so inviting. But the truth of the matter is that each of us here is unique and special. There was never a person like you before and never will be again. And another truth is that we are caring people in a hard world, that is part of the reasons we were chosen by a pwBPD. That is important.

You are rare AND important, Ironman. Can you see that in how people here respond to your posts? How are you feeling today?

[Ironmanrises]

Learning... .

Thank you for your kind words.  

Since that private phone call... .

Last week... .

And the unknown number... .

Calling and leaving that bizarre... .

Silent voicemail... .

I have been off balance.

I am actually on vacation... .

This whole week from my job... .

A (staycation) actually... .

Saving my money.

Trying to keep my mind occupied... .

With my Japanese language... .

That I am learning.

I tried to sit in front of my art desk... .

And doodle... .

Something... .

Anything... .

Just to see... .

If I could let... .

It flow out of me... .

And the pencil felt lifeless... .

In my hand.

I tried.

I miss my artwork.

One day it will return.

Soon.

I have my new computer... .

That is being built(customized)... .

Arriving this week.

It's arrival... .

Means I will have to make a decision... .

On this iPad mini.

This gift... .

That haunts me.

All in the while... .

I am healing... .

Slowly.

Thank you for asking.

I have noticed how people respond... .

To my posts.

My gratitude... .

And appreciation... .

To all of you.

Know that I read everyone's posts on here... .

Too.

Your words are heard.

[rags_and_feathers]

I love your posts, Ironmanfalls -- they hit it right on the head.  And, your signature pretty much says it all -- I was so close to saying those very words to my exBPD when I finally ended the relationship.

Sad, isn't it, how off balance we can feel after any contact ?  Like you, I'm having a hard time re-engaging in my own life, my art, my former passions.

[Ironmanrises]

Rags... .

Thank you.

I am so sorry that you are... .

Having trouble re engaging in your life.

I can most certainly relate.

 

Post on here.

You are not alone.

Hang in there.

[hopealways]

Ironmanfalls, I have gotten rid of everything that reminds me of her-even the car I bought her. Now the girl who I sold the car to (a stranger) wants to meet me for lunch which means I will be again reminded of her when I see the car.

I understand how the iPad mini haunts you. I do notice you are healing in your posts. Hang In there buddy!

[Ironmanrises]

Hope... .

Hopefully that woman... .

You are meeting... .

Can disrupt the memory... .

Of having to see that car again... .

Even if that disruption... .

Is temporary.

I can imagine... .

How that is going to feel for you.

Thank you.

Hang in there friend.