Out of Ideas

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My fiancees sister has BPD, we currently are living with his family and have been for awhile now. All that my fiancee wants is a relationship with his sister but anytime he tries to be nice or even just tries to talk to her she tears him down. She brags about her scholarships for college and how she is smarter than him, she blames him for anything and everything she can, she says he ruins her life, she screams at him for saying simple things such as good morning. My fiancee has mental instability of his own and his parents do nothing about the verbal, mental and occasionally physical abuse that she dishes out to her older brother and i cant sit bach and just watch any more, it's tearing me apart. Recently she started texting him because she was in a good mood, she said that he should call her, but he was in class so he couldnt. She then she preceded to send a hurtful voice mail to him stating that just because he was at a state college now that he was to good to talk to her and that if he felt that way than she didnt want to talk to him either and he could just keep ignoring her forever like he always has. I dont want to hurt my relationship with my fiancees family by butting into the situation at hand but i dont know what else to do.

[Cora22]

My fiancees sister has BPD, we currently are living with his family and have been for awhile now. All that my fiancee wants is a relationship with his sister but anytime he tries to be nice or even just tries to talk to her she tears him down. She brags about her scholarships for college and how she is smarter than him, she blames him for anything and everything she can, she says he ruins her life, she screams at him for saying simple things such as good morning. My fiancee has mental instability of his own and his parents do nothing about the verbal, mental and occasionally physical abuse that she dishes out to her older brother and i cant sit bach and just watch any more, it's tearing me apart. Recently she started texting him because she was in a good mood, she said that he should call her, but he was in class so he couldnt. She then she preceded to send a hurtful voice mail to him stating that just because he was at a state college now that he was to good to talk to her and that if he felt that way than she didnt want to talk to him either and he could just keep ignoring her forever like he always has. I dont want to hurt my relationship with my fiancees family by butting into the situation at hand but i dont know what else to do.

[Suzn]

Hello Cora22   

What a difficult position to be in, I'm sorry things are so hard right now.    Bpd is a serious mental disorder and it can be painful for all involved. Being abused is hard for anyone, physical abuse is never ok. How does your fiance handle this? How are you coping? Taking care of you is equally important Cora.

These links can be helpful

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

How long will you be living with his family?

[Cora22]

My fiancee does not handle it well, he blames himself and thinks he did something wrong and becomes sad and depressed. Which in turn stress's me out because i don't know how i can help other than being there for him. We will be living with his family for about another 2 years while we finish school. His sister is at school in another state but still comes home for breaks and holidays.

[Suzn]

Cora I want to encourage you to look over the communication skills link I gave you. These can be very helpful, with your fiance and with his sister. Have you considered talking with a therapist or a school counselor for support with what you're up against? They can be very insightful, I know mine has been.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Cora,

I just wanted to join suzn in welcoming you.  Having a relative with BPD can be frustrating at times. I can imagine that this is very hard on you and your fiance.

suzn has given you some great resources--I use SET all the time (and not just with my mother, who has BPD). It's a great tool. Seeing a therapist is also a good thing to do for yourself, as talking with someone who understands BPD can give you some insight and validation.

It's great that you're there for your fiance--I'm sure that it helps him to have someone who loves him and cares about him for support.

What have your fiancee's parents said anything to you about the situation? Are there some limits you could set when she's visiting?

Welcome again, and feel free to join the conversation here!

GG