Splitting and competition

[caughtnreleased]

Hello! I've recently come to realize that I am hyper sensitive to splitting. When I was growing up, I was constantly pitted against and compared to my sibling, and as a result we have always been very distant.  I have also been in unhealthy relationships in which I stayed because I would be played against other women.  As a result I am hypersensitive to it, perhaps almost too much so.   

The way I have come to deal with this, is that at any hint of comparison or competition, I run, and immediately exit any situation that could require me to compete against someone else.  Does anyone have any experience with this and ways in which they have overcome it? I think it may be holding me back, in work, and in love.  The minute I see that I may have to compete, I immediately feel as though I am being manipulated (even though it is not always the case) and all I want to do is run away. If I don't run, I tend to just freeze.  Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!

[fromheeltoheal]

I learned to do OK competing in business, which is very competitive, but I still acquiesce in personal confrontations; I choose to believe it's because I'm a lover not a fighter, but undeniably low self esteem plays a part.

But lately what I've focused on is competition is a zero sum game, a win-lose game, and competing and creating a facade of toughness is one of the masks humans use to shield ourselves from vulnerability.  Being victorious, winning, is surviving but it's not living and thriving.  The key for me has been, and I'm noticing success and progress, is to enforce my boundaries, something I never focused on before BPD hell, and notice what I'm getting from people, let the boundaries down a little when I see some mutual trust and respect forming, and at some point just let fly with pure vulnerability, which I'm pretty good at turns out.  I've spent much of my life trying to figure out who I needed to be so someone would like me, and I'm proud to report that I've reached the point that I don't care anymore, I'm perfect the way I am, and if I let my boundaries down and express vulnerability with the right people, they reciprocate, and we form an emotional bond, which is what humans are hardwired to do. 

And when I do that enough with enough people, the folks who insist on competing with me matter less, because I know folks got my back, and I have nothing to prove.  It's a process, but I've noticed progress.  Brene Brown's books on vulnerability and shame have helped to.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi Thanks for your advice.  I tend to hold myself back when it comes to competition because I am afraid that my success might make others feel bad... .it's rather messed up, really.  I did have a point in my life where I was very successful, but I kept a very low profile about it because I felt that it would attract jealousy and lots of negative attention, which it did to a certain extent.  I'm thinking it is likely that I have muted myself in many ways, so as to prevent provoking feelings of competition, jealousy, etc in others. These are feelings which I am highly sensitive about and which I do not want to be responsible for provoking in others.  I now have come to realize that a certain level of competition can be healthy, etc. but I need to overcome my fears associated with all this.   I suppose, as you mention, I also need to surround myself with people who will be happy if I succeed, which has definitely not always been the case, starting with people in my immediate family, and people I have dated in the past.  Or perhaps I need to just go for gold, and the bad apples will fall away.  But still, I need to overcome my fear of trying hard for that gold, because perhaps, yes, fear of competing, is also linked to a fear of trying and failing. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, I'm with you on go for the gold and let the bad apples fall away.  Significance and connection are two human needs that oppose one another, so finding a balance is the challenge, and putting ourselves out there and going for the gold is a form of vulnerability, risky, but I say worth it as long as we also strive for connection with people we won't alienate by succeeding.