Marriage Therapist meeting tomorrow- anything I should or shouldn't do?

[Sluggo]

I made a decision last night when talking to my wife.  I think I made a choice I may regret.  I told my bpwdw that I would comply to what she asked.  I will only talk with ny family in her presence.   When waking up this morning she has totally changed back to her normal self.  I felt good about decision last night but now I feel like I made a sold myself away.  There is temporary peace in home but for what price.  I said I would do it for 30 days. 

[ForeverDad]

The problem with shifting boundaries is that an oppositional disordered person won't settle for just breaking one boundary.  She may appear to be back to her normal self, but that may be because she feels back in Control.  Your family was not the only thorn in her side.  There may be more demands later since it's not about one issue.

If circumstances change then you have a right to reconsider prior decisions.  A disordered person can change terms endlessly but how dare we do the same.

[livednlearned]

I made a decision last night when talking to my wife.  I think I made a choice I may regret.  I told my bpwdw that I would comply to what she asked.  I will only talk with ny family in her presence.   When waking up this morning she has totally changed back to her normal self.  I felt good about decision last night but now I feel like I made a sold myself away.  There is temporary peace in home but for what price.  I said I would do it for 30 days. 

Why are you not allowed to talk to your family unless she is present?

[slimmiller]

What do you mean by nesting arrangement?  Just living in the same household.  Are you still married, separated, etc. 

 

Taking turns staying in the house with the kids while the other is absent. Initially she wanted to just live together but this presented a problem for her way of thinking. When she wants to entertain, I m in the way.   We had discussed the boundary of not having a bf (or me to not have a gf ) over and two days later she deliberatly violated it. Right now its just a matter of me getting things arranged with the kids and she will be out.

We are officially divorced now and the only thing she would have had to do to make things work was to abide by the boundary of keeping the family home as family and not involving others because of the childrens age etc and plus I would prefer to instill a few decent morals into their lifes. She commenced to almost immediatley have a bf over and she had the gall to ask in a text 'is this okay with you'  I told her I would no longer voice any opinion because she would not honor it anyways. Bottom line the arrqangement will end as soon as I can get my ducks in a row. Not by my choice but her actions

So if she suggestes this, entertaining the idea is okay but in the end she will probably violate you every way she posibbly can unless theres a way to set boundaires and make them stick

[Sluggo]

Forever Dad,

Yes, she is back to her normal self.  Almost as if nothing has happened.  I am acting a little reserved with her and cannot yet allow myself to feel normal again toward her.  Your point well taken that this probably will be first boundary to break with other to follow and that she feels in control now.  In some ways I feel like I should have sticked to my guns and not given into her demand.  She looked so broken when I spoke with her on Friday night- which is a reason I agreed to 'not contact the family' for 30 days.  I also 2nd guessed myself thinking maybe I am over dependent on my family (mom, sister, and brother).  That is, what if she is right? 

I must admit I do feel relieved that the high level of conflict has left our home (at least this weekend so far).  You are correct I can always changed my mind.   

Lived and Learned... .


I believe the back story is in (Should I go to the movie with the Kidshttps://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211565.0   or in Bpdwife says I am NOT to talk to my family https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210626.0 ) ... .but The short story is that she felt slighted by my Mom when we came back the the US to live (she is from South America.  We lived with my mother the first year with her.   The language barrier contributed to it.  I contributed to it the first year by being a son to my mom and more than a husband to her.  However, she feels that love is a subtraction.  If I love others it is taking away the love I have for her.  And if she sees me having a good time with them then I am putting them first and not her.  I probably talk to my family once every couple of weeks.  Oddly though, my wife used to get on me for not calling my family enough.  She said your United States culture does not uphold the family enough.  You guys don't put enough importance on it.  You need to call your mom and family more.  The anger for my mother has spilled over to my sisters and brothers in the last 6-12 months.  So her ultimadem has been... .either I only talk with her and cut off all communication with my family unless I am talking to them infront of her.

[ForeverDad]

In the early years my ex said my family wasn't hugging enough.  She got us to start hugging when greeting, etc.  It was amazing how positively she affected the family.  Years later... .

When she split us black she wouldn't hug even me, much less my horrible family.  I recall one day in services before we separated, I reached over to our toddler and brushed her knee with my hand and she gave me a dirty look and swiped at it like I got it filthy, right there in the congregation, that's how bad it was that last year.

Another example from the last couple years, we drove about 25 minutes for services, both going and coming, she would harp on all the complaints she had about the people there and berated me up one side and down the other.  Then when we pulled into the parking lot she would plaster a smile on her face, look at me and tell me ":)on't look glum, where's your smile, aren't you happy to be here? Smile!"

Back to your topic, appeasement doesn't work for long.  And no, family is not The Problem.  If family was the only problem then you two could work it out.  Sadly, the problems a blamer and blame-shifter finds are endless.  Address one issue and before long another one just as earth shattering will pop up.

[momtara]

Well, at least you only agreed for 30 days.  I and others on these boards have made such agreements, only to be asked for more agreements, more rules, until we were so boxed in that we couldn't breathe without breaking a rule.  You've now given yourself a little time to figure out what to do, and how it feels to stay with her.

You don't have to make a decision this second.  You could try to live this way for now and keep planning backup plans and what-if scenarios.

There is only so much verbal abuse and manipulation a person can take, but splintering a family with 8 kids is hard.  Are you sure she has BPD?  Has she always been this way, or is there more going on?  Any chance of her really getting counseling?  When I left my husband (finally was driven to it), he finally got the right counseling and was diagnosed with OCD and some other stuff.  But it took me leaving and him facing the prospect of losing everything.  In your case, you wife may not get treatment because she doesn't care if you leave, but I just wanted to throw out there that maybe there is still some sort of professional who can help her... .or maybe not.

Anyway, be careful of what you do from now on, because you may want to fight for part custody if you end up divorcing, so you should make sure you're involved with the kids, and document everything.

[Sluggo]

Forever dad and Momatara thanks for your thoughts and wisdom... .,

Another example from the last couple years, we drove about 25 minutes for services, both going and coming, she would harp on all the complaints she had about the people there and berated me up one side and down the other.  Then when we pulled into the parking lot she would plaster a smile on her face, look at me and tell me ":)on't look glum, where's your smile, aren't you happy to be here? Smile!"

Back to your topic, appeasement doesn't work for long.  And no, family is not The Problem.  If family was the only problem then you two could work it out.  Sadly, the problems a blamer and blame-shifter finds are endless.  Address one issue and before long another one just as earth shattering will pop up.

  Yes, I can relate to the the 'other side' of my dBPDw.  In our community at Church and school many are amazed at how they envy what they perceive as the 'perfect' family and the 'perfect marriage'  If the curtain got pulled back on our family it would be a shocker.  Yes, I am wondering what the next 'issue' will be and hope that I will be strong enough not to give in on it. 

There is only so much verbal abuse and manipulation a person can take, but splintering a family with 8 kids is hard.  Are you sure she has BPD?  Has she always been this way, or is there more going on?  Any chance of her really getting counseling?  When I left my husband (finally was driven to it), he finally got the right counseling and was diagnosed with OCD and some other stuff.  But it took me leaving and him facing the prospect of losing everything.  In your case, you wife may not get treatment because she doesn't care if you leave, but I just wanted to throw out there that maybe there is still some sort of professional who can help her... .or maybe not.

  My wife was diagnosed about 3 years ago with BPD after a day long of psych testing and I was diagnosed having depression and dependency issues.  I guess opposites to attract or as the doctor who conducted the test said ' people of the same emotional dysfunctional levels will be attracted to one another'.   

She has always had a temper as her brother advised me not to marry her 15 years ago.  However, I seemed to absorb the anger and it was ok... .but then came the depression for me.  Then 3 years ago I started seeing a T and started understanding my role in my depression, etc.  I am becoming better with boundaries, not abosorbing, not making it my fault, etc.  Now the kids have added the extra stress with one being a special needs with her medical care out of state and the new baby due in 10 weeks is said to have the same diagnosis as our other special need child.  All of this plus just being pregnant has causes some more stressers on my wife.  She has been seeing someone for the last 16 weeks twice a week and just recently started taking zoloft which seemed to cut some of the edge off her anger.