just want to put it out there

[samthewiss]

I left when my wife told me:

Please leave I am having an affair for the last 8 weeks.

Now that I am out of the fog. I wished I would of physically kicked her out and told her to go live with her new boyfriend.

Why did I not stand up for myself? Why did I think she is just testing me and she issick and needs to go back to therapy?

[Century2012]

You sound like you are really raw right now. Take some time for yourself. I hear your anger. It is par of the grieving process.

[samthewiss]

I am angry.

Not at her. At me.

I know I was codepended.

I was such a sucker!

[fiddlestix]

Me too, sam... .I put up with my wife's affairs for many years.  Some of them I knew about, some flew under the radar.  I was so afraid of being abandoned, being a "divorce statistic," that I let her walk on me for years.  I should have "manned up" and kicked her out years ago.  I pathetically held onto "hope" that she would get better and behave herself.  I fear that my loose boundaries and my lack of spine enabled her to continue in her spiral into madness. 

O well, I can't blame myself.  I was doing the best I could with the information I had.  I had never heard of BPD when we were still together.  And, now knowing that is her condition (she has told me her diagnosis), I believe she would have spiraled downward anyway.  Onward I go... .

Fiddle

[GreenMango]

Sam

Getting the I'm having an affair leveled at you will throw anyone for a loop.  Most people need help working thru the transgression alone and how to handle it.  It comes with all kinds of complicated emotions - be kind to yourself.  There's a strategy recommended to partners who are going thru it - hopefully you aren't so accustomed to being on the receiving end of this that you automatically know how to handle it.

Go easy - an unhealthy relationship can really take it's toll.

Why do you think she was testing you?  Was this jealousy induction a common transgression in your relationship with her?

[maxen]

Why did I not stand up for myself?

sam, she suckerpunched you. that says everything about the aggressor and nothing about the one hit.

[hopealways]

Sam, it took you by surprise, it was unexpected and a huge shock. The nons don't stand up for themselves, that is why the BPD chooses us in the first place! They want emotionally vulnerable victims. But you live and learn. This will make you stronger my friend.

I finally stood up to her 6 weeks ago and never heard from her again. That is what they fear the most: someone who calls them out on their BS. But they will also respect that person the most since none of their exes has ever stood up to them.

Life is a learning process. We are never perfect but let's learn from our mistakes and move on.

[samthewiss]

Thank you

[fromheeltoheal]

Don't know about you, but my borderline ex was an expert at eroding my self-confidence and self-esteem, which wasn't great to begin with, but sure plummeted hanging out with that pathology.  It wasn't until she pushed it too far, finally pushed me over the edge that I stood up for myself and left.  Don't beat yourself up for losing your way a little, you were in an intimate relationship with a mentally ill person, the good news being the longer you stay away from her, the more centered you will become, and you'll get your mojo back full time.  Take care of you.

[hopealways]

Don't know about you, but my borderline ex was an expert at eroding my self-confidence and self-esteem, which wasn't great to begin with, but sure plummeted hanging out with that pathology.  It wasn't until she pushed it too far, finally pushed me over the edge that I stood up for myself and left.  Don't beat yourself up for losing your way a little, you were in an intimate relationship with a mentally ill person, the good news being the longer you stay away from her, the more centered you will become, and you'll get your mojo back full time.  Take care of you.

SO VERY TRUE! Thank you for these words.

[Century2012]

Ouch! Don't let them have control over your self esteem. You would never have been involved in less you were a caring and loving person. They are messed up. It may not be their fault, but it is certainly not your responsibility to carry that it your heart. (And, no, I don't have it all figured out. I do miss him.)

Be well,