Should I give her more money?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Me and my uBPDgf have been together got four years, and living apart for 6 months. She lives with father, and times are tight with me for money. I pretty much pay for everything for her by sending her money often. She's smoked weed for about a year now, and tells me it helps her BPD a lot. I've never given her money for it, but I'm pretty sure she uses a lot of the money I give her on it. I told her how things are tight about three days ago, and I gave her money and told her it absolutely has to last until Tuesday (four days from now). A lot of actual stressful events have happened the last couple days, and I think she's smoked the money away. She asked me for more a short time ago, and I stood my ground and told her she agreed to ration it until Tuesday, and she led me to believe that she was doing fine with it, and she's going to have to wait until Tuesday. Emotional dysregulation started on the phone after telling her, so we agreed to talk later this evening. She started messaging me as soon as we got off the phone with guilt trips and a lot of made up stuff that I understand is true in her mind. She said how this week was extra hard on her and how's she been under a ton of stress and so waiting until Tuesday shouldn't happen this time. I thought about it, and I kind of agree with her that things have been a lot harder on her, and I know she just wants it to most likely buy weed to calm down.

I don't know what the best thing to do is. Please help me! Do I give in and let her calm down, or stand my ground in hopes it will make things better in the long run. Will giving in reinforce bad behavior? PLEASE HELP!

Thank you so much.

[Border_Lover]

Me and my uBPDgf have been together got four years, and living apart for 6 months. She lives with father, and times are tight with me for money. I pretty much pay for everything for her by sending her money often. She's smoked weed for about a year now, and tells me it helps her BPD a lot. I've never given her money for it, but I'm pretty sure she uses a lot of the money I give her on it. I told her how things are tight about three days ago, and I gave her money and told her it absolutely has to last until Tuesday (four days from now). A lot of actual stressful events have happened the last couple days, and I think she's smoked the money away. She asked me for more a short time ago, and I stood my ground and told her she agreed to ration it until Tuesday, and she led me to believe that she was doing fine with it, and she's going to have to wait until Tuesday. Emotional dysregulation started on the phone after telling her, so we agreed to talk later this evening. She started messaging me as soon as we got off the phone with guilt trips and a lot of made up stuff that I understand is true in her mind. She said how this week was extra hard on her and how's she been under a ton of stress and so waiting until Tuesday shouldn't happen this time. I thought about it, and I kind of agree with her that things have been a lot harder on her, and I know she just wants it to most likely buy weed to calm down.

I don't know what the best thing to do is. Please help me! Do I give in and let her calm down, or stand my ground in hopes it will make things better in the long run. Will giving in reinforce bad behavior? PLEASE HELP!

Thank you so much.

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[Vindi]

first red flag was the title! do not give her money, you will just "enable" her... .she is an adult and if she has to work 2 or 3 jobs so be it. She needs to take care of herself financially, not live off the money you give her.

May I ask why you pay for everything by sending her money? can't she work?

[Border_Lover]

I supported her for three years, and I wanted a break. She went to stay with her father for a while and attempted suicide. She spent a couple weeks in the psych-ward and finally got into therapy the other day after a long wait. She has had very bad social anxiety, this is the main factor in her not working. In the last few months we figured out that she has BPD. She has fully accepted it and I have seen changes in her. She is working in a DBT workbook which she decided to get herself. She plans on getting a job, it's just a bit overwhelming right now for her. I just feel the need to support her for a bit while she gets the tools through therapy to deal with her anxiety and BPD. One step at a time I suppose. I may be deluding myself some, but I don't think I am entirely.

Please let me have it if I deserve it, or any other advice is appreciate.

Thank you.

[Border_Lover]

I did not see how to edit my post. I just wanted to make it clear when I said:

" I just feel the need to support her for a bit while she gets the tools through therapy to deal with her anxiety and BPD. "

I meant just some tools to deal with things easier, not an entire tool chest!

[Lady31]

Regarding giving her money in general to live on, I say if you feel it's right for your circumstances so be it.  I would however be clear with myself on the expectations of this.  Like - how long and how much?  What are the signs I am wanting to see that she is making progress and not just mooching off me unendingly?

Regarding if you should give in and give more or establish this pattern for the future after lines were already set - that's an interesting one.  Basically what you are saying is you know she is self medicating with an illegal substance/drugs to deal with her issues.  She had a tough week and decided to start medicating/using even more drugs to cope as her coping mechanism.  And now because of that, you feel you may need to give her more money earlier because she ran out of her drugs that she is using as a coping mechanism.

I would say - if this was cocaine, heroin, meth... .what would your answer be?  I think because it's "just pot" sometimes people can be blind to the real situation.

Enabling a person to use DRUGS as a self coping mechanism for mental illness, and condoning them using even MORE DRUGS because the week was especially "tough" - not exactly looking too healthy.  If she is getting help, then I would hope the T would confirm this.