Haven't been on here in a long time. Where do I start?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Well, I guess I will start with the  death of xMIL in April 2012. She died in her sleep, alone in her hospital bed, from complications of dialysis, diabetes, heart failure, etc. She spent her last year bedridden because she could not walk due to breaking her leg in four places after falling at home. I did allow my girls to spend that last Christmas with her, and I have no regrets about that. I have no regrets about moving 200 miles away from xMIL in August 2009 and to be closer to my own mother, whom I had distanced myself because of xMIL. One month after xMIL died, my mom died, in my car, as I was driving her back to her nursing home. It was labor day weekend, and most of my siblings had plans, i.e., camping, boating, etc. I felt alone because since  I became widowed, none of my family had ever considered inviting me and my four girls along on these outings. So that day I took my four daughters for a drive up to a man-made lake I had heard about. None of us knew that Mom, alone in her small apartment, was being rushed to the ER because she could not get up off her couch. When the girls and I got back home, there was a message on my phone from the hospital saying that my mom wanted to go home. So I took my D20 and drove to the hospital to get Mom. When I got there, the nurse asked if I had brought Mom's oxygen tank. I just looked at her, like, "Are you kidding me?" So I left Mom there and drove up to her room, got the oxygen tank, and drove BACK to the hospital. We helped her out to the car where she announced to the orderly that she was "dizzy." He assured me that it was due to the meds she was on. So we put her in my car and drove off. My last words to her were, "I'm staying with you tonight, Mom." To which she replied, "No. No, you're not." Then her hand fell and she was gone. Just like that. D20 was in the car with me and still suffers from that incident to this day. She was going to go into nursing but changed her mind after that.

Anyway, I finally received my bachelor's degree two weeks before Mom passed away. Then, everything just sort of . . . crashed. I was no longer a student and Mom was gone, both of which took their toll on me. I decided to move back to the town I had moved away from. I sold my house and bought another one. But I didn't think things through. I hate my neighborhood and I miss that little town I had moved away from. I lost money in the ordeal. As a widow, I have made so, so many mistakes. Even though xMIL did drive me away, I must say sometimes she could be a wise woman. I don't really miss her, though, and I am slowly beginning to rebuild my relationship with xSIL and xFIL, who still live high on the mountain but are looking to move down once their house sells.

The point of this long post? I really don't know, other than everything that has happened in the past, since DH's death seems like water under the bridge now. I know these people hurt me terribly, but I also feel so guilty. I know I hurt D20 so much by moving her her junior year of high school. She was unhappy for two and a half years! Now, though, she decided to stay in that small town and thanks me for moving her there. She's finishing out her degree in environmental biology and hopes to move to the Oregon Coast some day. I have made wrong decisions that have affected my children. They have all become so lonely since we moved (except D15 who has a new circle of friends she has made, including a boyfriend, whom I do approve of). The house I bought is way out in the country and the people here are in their 20s-30s. I feel like an old woman here. I wish I would have not moved now. Or not let my own siblings talk me into THIS house. I turned 50 last Monday, and I am still not working. I have quit three jobs since Leon died, and I don't know why. The money is dwindling down, and I fear for my girls' future. I don't know where to go from here.

[FreedomReigns]

Well, I guess I will start with the  death of xMIL in April 2012. She died in her sleep, alone in her hospital bed, from complications of dialysis, diabetes, heart failure, etc. She spent her last year bedridden because she could not walk due to breaking her leg in four places after falling at home. I did allow my girls to spend that last Christmas with her, and I have no regrets about that. I have no regrets about moving 200 miles away from xMIL in August 2009 and to be closer to my own mother, whom I had distanced myself because of xMIL. One month after xMIL died, my mom died, in my car, as I was driving her back to her nursing home. It was labor day weekend, and most of my siblings had plans, i.e., camping, boating, etc. I felt alone because since  I became widowed, none of my family had ever considered inviting me and my four girls along on these outings. So that day I took my four daughters for a drive up to a man-made lake I had heard about. None of us knew that Mom, alone in her small apartment, was being rushed to the ER because she could not get up off her couch. When the girls and I got back home, there was a message on my phone from the hospital saying that my mom wanted to go home. So I took my D20 and drove to the hospital to get Mom. When I got there, the nurse asked if I had brought Mom's oxygen tank. I just looked at her, like, "Are you kidding me?" So I left Mom there and drove up to her room, got the oxygen tank, and drove BACK to the hospital. We helped her out to the car where she announced to the orderly that she was "dizzy." He assured me that it was due to the meds she was on. So we put her in my car and drove off. My last words to her were, "I'm staying with you tonight, Mom." To which she replied, "No. No, you're not." Then her hand fell and she was gone. Just like that. D20 was in the car with me and still suffers from that incident to this day. She was going to go into nursing but changed her mind after that.

Anyway, I finally received my bachelor's degree two weeks before Mom passed away. Then, everything just sort of . . . crashed. I was no longer a student and Mom was gone, both of which took their toll on me. I decided to move back to the town I had moved away from. I sold my house and bought another one. But I didn't think things through. I hate my neighborhood and I miss that little town I had moved away from. I lost money in the ordeal. As a widow, I have made so, so many mistakes. Even though xMIL did drive me away, I must say sometimes she could be a wise woman. I don't really miss her, though, and I am slowly beginning to rebuild my relationship with xSIL and xFIL, who still live high on the mountain but are looking to move down once their house sells.

The point of this long post? I really don't know, other than everything that has happened in the past, since DH's death seems like water under the bridge now. I know these people hurt me terribly, but I also feel so guilty. I know I hurt D20 so much by moving her her junior year of high school. She was unhappy for two and a half years! Now, though, she decided to stay in that small town and thanks me for moving her there. She's finishing out her degree in environmental biology and hopes to move to the Oregon Coast some day. I have made wrong decisions that have affected my children. They have all become so lonely since we moved (except D15 who has a new circle of friends she has made, including a boyfriend, whom I do approve of). The house I bought is way out in the country and the people here are in their 20s-30s. I feel like an old woman here. I wish I would have not moved now. Or not let my own siblings talk me into THIS house. I turned 50 last Monday, and I am still not working. I have quit three jobs since Leon died, and I don't know why. The money is dwindling down, and I fear for my girls' future. I don't know where to go from here.

[nevermore]

You have had a lost of losses. My personal experience has been these losses and the resulting grief stack up likes wooden blocks. At one point in my life I had lost my father, my brother and our dog.  At that point if I had lost a goldfish I would have been ready to just implode. It all stacked up and weighed me down.  Second guessing decisions is normal when we are trying to decide while upset and sad.  Have you considered seeking the help of a financial planner?  Maybe someone else's opinion of how to proceed with decisions about money, home buying or selling would be beneficial.  We are glad you are back with us and hopefully you will find topics that speak to you. I'm sure what you have experienced would touch others.  I'm so sorry you have lost so many people. Grief work really is very hard work.

[Sasha026]

Hi. Remember me? Remember how you helped me when my husband died? It was back in 07-08.

I remember you and all of the problems that you had with your MIL and SILs. It wasn't fun for you. They smothered you. You had to do what you had to do at the time. Sometimes we look back on things and we recriminate because they have not panned out the way we have wanted them to. I think you did what you had to do - just don't fall into the same trap with those people.

I'm happy that you got your degree! You haven't said what it's in, though. You have to figure out why you are losing your jobs. Is it the people or is it the job? Are you depressed? It sounds like you are and you are reaching out to us. We're here for you. ((Hugs))

I just want you to know that if you need any help from me, I will listen and try to help... .just like you helped me when I needed it. Sometimes if you have some support, it helps wonders.