Interesting Conversation With BPDH

[maryy16]

So last weekend was a somewhat difficult one with my H just being "off".  No real rages, things were kept under control, but he did insult me a few times and call me names. When he started to become rude, I would tell him to "stop it" and he did (which is probably the first time in our 30 year relationship that he backed off).

So the other day I asked him why he felt so "off" this past weekend and that, while I know he's trying to be good, he still did hurt me with the way he was acting and the things he said.

And his response was that he had no idea that I was hurt by anything he did.  And he seemed honestly surprised.  He said it appeared to him that I had had fun with him and that everything was good between us.  And he stated "But when you asked me to stop, I did, right?" My answer to this was "yes, you did stop. But I had to ask you to stop because you were insulting me.  And I was really hurt by the name-calling".  Then I proceeded to give him some examples of the situations.

He then agreed that he was out of line and that he could NOW (after my explaining the situations to him) understand why I was so hurt.  And he did apologize.

His inability to see the "whole" picture of these situation really falls in line with his inability to understand multiple instructions or his lack of ability to follow more than one direction at a time.  I truly believe he is only capable of seeing/remembering only a limited amount of information in any circumstance.  Thus, his black and white thinking about people.  It's like his brain cannot hold more than one or two thoughts at one time about any given situation which leads him to believe that someone is "all good" or "all bad" because he simply can't recall anything other than what's happening at that moment.

I just found this very interesting and enlightening so I thought I'd share.

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[Rapt Reader]

I truly believe he is only capable of seeing/remembering only a limited amount of information in any circumstance.  Thus, his black and white thinking about people.  It's like his brain cannot hold more than one or two thoughts at one time about any given situation which leads him to believe that someone is "all good" or "all bad" because he simply can't recall anything other than what's happening at that moment.

I just found this very interesting and enlightening so I thought I'd share.

Hi, maryy16... .

I've seen this too, in the BPD loved ones in my life, and it really is frustrating. It's like you do this one (what they perceive to be) bad thing, and now every good thing about the relationship never happened and you are this new person who is bad with no past or previous good relationship with them. You are a stranger who got them mad or sad, and there is nothing left that is good about you. Sure stinks, doesn't it? 

The only thing that has been helping me with this is using the tools here (Validation, S.E.T., Radical Acceptance, etc.) to help me communicate with them before it happens, or even sometimes during, to calm them down and bring them back to the "good" in our relationship. It took time for me to see this happen (I have a dBPDson36, uBPDmil and uBPDdil), but it really is happening now. I just kept using the tools and using them, and somehow it is happening.

One thing that has truly made a huge difference for me--especially with my relationship with my uBPD daughter-in-law, is reading and using the techniques in the Empathy Workshop: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210574.0. What has happened during this past week is that through a couple of email exchanges (instigated by me as I was confident with my new knowledge) with her, where I empathized with her problems with me by detaching from my own gut reactions to her.

I really listened to her complaints, finally (with my own self out of my mind's equation) realized the source of her pain, and spoke to that with all the validating and compassion I could. And she has miraculously changed from being the lion clawing and growling at me, to turning into a kitten at my feet, purring. I love her as a human being, and love the child in her that is always in so much pain and needing to be respected and valued.

So... .I treated her with respect and told her how much I valued her (even amidst an email from her that was pretty angry at me), spoke to her inner child that was hurting. And her next email seemed as if it were from another person. A really happy, nice, loving human being. It has never happened before (before I learned that I needed to do this) and I do believe it is a turning point in our relationship.

I really recommend that Workshop; this relationship is 10 years old and has been fraught with stress and tension and what felt like actual walking on eggshells throughout its duration. My non-son (her husband) does what he can to try to keep the peace in his household with her--they have a decent relationship and a new baby--and supports her when she rages and requires them to go silent with us (he doesn't know what he is dealing with; doesn't know about BPD). He's dancing as fast as he can to try to make things work with her... .

This week, after I read that Workshop over and over and applied the information in it, is the very first time that I don't feel nervous and afraid of my relationship with her. I hope you get the chance to read it... .If it helped me with my DIL, I really believe it can help almost everybody