His Birthday Today...

[UmbrellaBoy]

Today is his 26th birthday.

Another friend's birthday is on Monday, and so he's having a group of us going out to the bars tonight to party and for Halloween.

I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, it'll feel good to know that I'm out partying too (maybe even making out with someone else on the dance floor) tonight rather than sitting at home imagining how he's out living it up with the new-old guy while feeling like a pathetic homebody. On the other hand, I will be drunk, and though usually I'm a happy drunk... .I have been in a bad mood lately (I just started a new job that I love, but it means less free time, and I actually am a bit annoyed about having to go out tonight because it eats up my weekend which I need now to catch up on things from the past week) and worry about my mood, or even the temptation to text or call him.

It's been 11 weeks. 12 was the longest we ever went NC before. My original plan had been to reach out on his birthday, but in the intervening time, my attitude has changed and I have no intention of doing so. Yes, last time I sent one little text and the floodgates opened and he came back and was in love with me again and it precipitated a recycle. But this time around things felt different and I feel like it's up to him to come to me. I'm too afraid of more rejection this time, and even if maybe it would precipitate something, it would make me the initiator instead of him which changes the dynamic.

I'm hoping this weekend passes without anything... .

[hopealways]

Proud of you umbrellaboy. The fact that THIS TIME you are fighting the urge to reach out means you ARE healing, that you RECOGNIZE his illness, realize the cycle will continue and that you will be once again hurt.  The reason this time you are not willing to take the risk of being hurt is because you are restoring your dignity, your self worth and your self respect.

Keep it up!

[triangleheart]

My BPD ex's birthday was a couple weeks ago. Instead of contacting him, I wished a bunch of my friends a happy birthday. They knew why and thought it was pretty funny! I went out to an event that night, met up with friends, and had a great time. And I didn't get drunk or make out with anyone. 

You have to make new memories during all of the tough times when you have sentimental memories about him. For four years, my memories of my ex's birthday were of spending it with him. Now my new memory is of spending it with friends and being happy. I suspect next year, I won't even remember his birthday.

Being a homebody is not pathetic. I love having some alone time, putting on the yoga pants, lighting candles, unwinding by myself, doing exciting things like filing paperwork while watching reality TV. However, while you're still recovering from the breakup, it IS good to keep really active with friends and family. And no, don't get drunk and make out with anyone! You don't need that. You're okay the way you are.

You can make it past 12 weeks. Aim for 24 weeks. And probably by then, you won't care very much anymore. Really.

If he was the initiator of getting back together with you, it will never change the dynamic. You will always find yourself under his thumb eventually. You can't win, and why would you want to exhaust yourself trying? Better to focus on yourself--get lots of sleep, excel at your new job, work out and look hot not for anyone but yourself, ! Enjoy your life. When you start to think of him, force yourself not to. It takes time and practice, but it will do the trick.

[hopealways]

Beautifully said, thank you, what a positive and inspiring post.

[UmbrellaBoy]

Well last night when I was drunk I checked his blog, which I hadn't done for a month.

Luckily, there was nothing really controversial there. There were only four new posts since I last checked a month ago, and three were entirely fine (a quote from an author, a poem he wrote about Fall, and another poem about autumn he found and briefly commented on). The fourth (the one from the farthest back) I think irked me a little because it was talking about Fall in a vaguely wistful way that made it sound a bit like he was depressed about choices he's made but also taking a self-justifying attitude, but I was drunk enough and the references vague enough that it didn't get to me.

Certainly there were no references to dating or his personal life or anything that might upset me like that. So in some sense it was a relief how little I cared! But, at the same time, I don't intend to go back there again! I got lucky this time, but it was a dangerous drunken move and I can't be sure it wouldn't trigger me next time just because it didn't this time.