BPD Mom the patterns never change.

[FreeBird33]

HI,

Just wanted to finally start talking about this part of my life, especially since it feels as if it has taken me a lifetime of chaos and hurt to finally figure out what is going on in my dysfunctional family and my with my mom.  I have just recently realized that my mom has BPD; I have started an intensive research to help me understand how this has affected so much of my life, and unfortunately how it has effect some of my parenting habits .  My mom displays pretty typical Hermit characteristics with some Waif thrown in for good measure and my dad the Huntsman as far as those classification goes. She often uses silent treatment to punish my siblings and I when we fail to validate her craziness or when we try to assert autonomy from or her expectations of us.  My dad subtly encourages us to take the abuse so we don't "rock the boat", because of all the terrible things that have already happen to my mother hurt her bad enough. She often gives us guilt trips about how all she wanted was a family and she never had one.

They both, unknowingly, orchestrated the hostility and competition that is seen between me and my siblings and continues to be a battle even to this day. I am currently in my early 30's and feel like I understand why I am so fKn crazy all the time. Why I constantly feel like I am not good enough and why that drives me to do in my life to get that. Anywho, Hellllo everyone, I am here and so grateful for a place that understands!

-FreeBird33

[Bananas]

  FreeBird33,

I am so glad you found us!

It sounds like you have some tough family dynamics to deal with, that must be hard.  But you seem to have a lot of awareness about your situation and that is a great start. 

There are many people here who are in situations similar to your own that can relate to what you are feeling.  If you have had a chance to look around there are a lot of great tools you can use to help yourself and improve your relationship with your Mom. 

I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of silent treatment and guilt trips.  It is very hurtful.     You may have already seen it, but if not here is a great article to help you process some of the things you may have experienced and are experiencing with your Mom:

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

We are here for you, we care and you are not crazy!  This Board has helped me immensely and I know it will be of value to you as well.  How is your support system? 

 Bananas

[foodie]

Hello!  I could have written this post myself.  Sounds like you are in a very similar situation to me.  Early 30s with a waif/hermit mother and an enabler father who begs me to "only say nice things" to stay on mom's good side.  It is with great sadness that I am now distancing myself from my father as a result, as well. 

You are not alone! 

Many things you will read here will allow you to realize that what we thought was normal was indeed very, very abnormal.

[FreeBird33]

Thanks Bananas,

I have been fortunate enough to have tracked down that booked and have read in once and am now on a rereading because I just couldn't believe how true to my childhood it was. I showed the passages to my sister who exclaimed much like me that "someone has written about the bad parts of our childhood!". We were lucky enough to have good parts but it was so nice to finally get validated that so much of the techniques they used to parent us as children where emotionally abusive.

Foodie,

Thanks for the warm shout out. I found it to be terrifying and enlightening to know that it was not "normal" and that I was not alone.

FreeBird33

[lexialpha]

Freebird33,

I was nearly 50 when I figured out that my mom has BPD, so I can tell you that, for me, once I figured it out, and collected some tools to help me work through the tangle, things all started to fall into place. I became more important. Don't misunderstand, I still have loads of self-esteem issues that I need to work through that have effected me for a lifetime, including my parenting as well.

The 2 dimensional fairy tale "characters" really helped put things into perspective. I more clearly saw each character and how they played into the storyline of my life. My mother is generally two; waif and evil queen, but the evil queen morphs into the dragon guarding the "treasure" (all family photos, keepsakes, etc).  I have been VERY good at playing the knight/prince to rescue the waif/damsel in the tower (that, of course, she built herself by creating scenarios that only a dysfunctional person could - financial, etc). Come to think of it, there is also some of the Queen of Hearts from Alice.

I progressed so fast when I finally understood what was going on. I hope that research and time on this board helps you to heal. I now understand and accept, but am not striving to find forgiveness, merely a more clear understanding so that we can have at least some interaction without my offering myself up for slaughter every time. It takes me almost a month to recover from a two day visit. I don't find that acceptable and look for ways to improve that.

Well, keep looking, and you will find the tools that you need, until you find that you don't need to look anymore. I hope that day comes soon for you.

Lexialpha