Explaining to clueless family members about mom's BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mother's immediate family knows about her BPD (they are also estranged from her), but my in-laws, cousins, aunts, uncles are clueless.  She hides it so well.  Our awkward estrangement is getting to the point where they are starting to notice that we don't get along and I avoid her like the plague.  It's not really my style to go around spilling family business about her mental health.  But what do I say? 

[foodie]

My mother's immediate family knows about her BPD (they are also estranged from her), but my in-laws, cousins, aunts, uncles are clueless.  She hides it so well.  Our awkward estrangement is getting to the point where they are starting to notice that we don't get along and I avoid her like the plague.  It's not really my style to go around spilling family business about her mental health.  But what do I say? 

[Santa Clara]

Hi foodie,

I don't have an answer for you but I just wanted to say 'hi'  as I am in a similar situation myself and also wondering what I should say. 

[Justme1]

I found myself in a very similar situation. Although I lived far away from my BPD mother, we would occasionally communicate, which I'd oftentimes regret.

After my boyfriend's mother noticed several of these episodes, she politely asked what was going on and I found her to be an easy person to talk to. At that point, I was unfamiliar with BPD and she was actually the person who first mentioned the term to me.

Eventually my boyfriend and I got married, and during the engagement we found ourselves in the awkward position of having to explain to people why my BPD mother was not planning on coming to the wedding, and why she was asking our friends to convince us to call it off.

Given these circumstances, most people understood that there was a serious issue/conflict. Depending on who it was, I'd tell them that it was a complicated situation, and unfortunately she decided not to come. Sometimes I'd say tell them that she had a problem, sometimes I'd tell them she had BPD. Sometimes I'd elaborate, and sometimes I'd keep it simple. As much as it hurt me that she A) Was treating me that way and B) I was having to talk about it so frequently, I did my best to limit the number of negative things I said about her. I wanted people to know that I truly did care about my mom, and that it hurt me that she wasn't coming.

It's something that I'm still trying to perfect. Before I discovered that there was a real name for my mom's condition, I found myself describing it to people, which was incredibly difficult and few people believed me. Now that I can simply say "She has BPD and it's complicated," I find myself avoiding long conversations, and avoiding re-living those stories. If you aren't comfortable telling people she had BPD, you could also try saying "It's complicated and we get along best from a distance." Good luck! I look forward to reading other people's suggestions too!

[WiseMind]

Hi foodie,

I am in a similar situation. My mom is uBPD so no one in our family (that I know of) is aware of her illness. She too hides it well and puts on a strong facade. It is very obvious to my husband and my brother in law, however, because she can't hide it from the immediate family. I have considered confiding in my favorite aunt, but I am still afraid of my mom finding out and invoking a huge 'war' against me. So I keep it to myself and have unfortunately detached from most of my family. I'm not sure if that is how it will stay but for now it is what worked for me. If anyone asks about it I simply say we aren't close. In your case, if people ask you about it, you can say you just do not get along or have a close relationship. I hope this helps a little.

- WiseMind

[GeekyGirl]

Some people who are high-functioning people with BPD can appear to be totally normal to the rest of the world, so I'm not surprised that your relatives don't know what's going on or understand your relationship with your mother.

BPD can be very hard to explain to others. Do you need to say anything? Sometimes just a "we have a complicated relationship," can fend off questions and well-intended-but-unwanted attention.

[foodie]

Thank you, everyone.  I do feel like i have to explain on occasion.  For instance - I had a baby shower thrown for me and my close friends asked who I wanted to invite.  It definitely is apparent we're not close.  I had to explain the hows and whys of why I didn't want her there.  It is awkward and I am afraid it makes ME look very bad.  Mostly because she is SO high functioning that I'm pretty sure no one believes me (except for my husband who has been around her during her manic rage-y episodes). 

[Blondy90]

That's a hard one! We struggled with that too as a family.

I have actually found it therapeutic to tell people about my sister's BPD. I built up a lot of anger when my mum wanted me to protect her from friends and family and sweep her issues under the carpet and say things like "we had an argument" or "I haven't seen that much of her so we haven't been talking". She was good at spinning things around too so she would often make me look like a bully, selfish and cold. The thought that people would blame me for our falling out or bad fights made me angry and bitter. Now I can tell them about her BPD and explain what that means I find it easier to cope with situations like that and fight my corner in situations.

That said, it's not always the best thing to do, especially to people you aren't close to or people that are asking in passing. You often end up telling them your life story and it's not worth it to answer a simple question like why is your sister not here? I would probably say something like, she has issues and I'm finding them hard to deal with at the moment so we are valuing some space apart from each other or she thought it would be best to see me at another time when there aren't so many people around. That way you make it clear the issue lies with your family member but it also suggests that you are dealing with the issues mutually and implies your support towards them.

It is important that people  close to you understand what you are going through as you should not have to battle BPD family on your own. When my sister was bad, no one ever saw the extent of it apart from my mum, step dad and me. She could put on such a good front if we tried to explain that she was mentally ill no one would believe us and people used to blame my mum’s depression and anxieties thinking she was making up stories. The only way we could get it across was to tell them the worst of what she did and our physical scars/bruises. They listened then! We had to fight long and hard to get people to listen, even therapists.

My best advice is be honest to those who you trust and talk things through with them, you need support. For everyone else, choose how you want to explain it but don’t worry about what they think – they will never understand what you’re going through. Good luck!

[mysoulishome]

I have actually found it therapeutic to tell people about my sister's BPD.

Same here. I was always afraid at first because I did not want "judgement" from wife's family. My mother-in-law has some minor bi-polar, social anxiety etc and it bothered me when she severely judged my mom.

However, if people really love you and care about you I think they will try to understand or at least respect the fact that you have a very complicated situation. Even if they have no idea what BPD entails. Everyone has some connection to a very dysfunctional/manipulative/hurtful relative. And the fact that you still WANT some kind of relationship with very defined boundaries is SUPER hard. I think people will surprise you if you open up to a comfortable level.

You don't have to explain nothing or everything. If your friends pry, I would assume it is because they want to understand and be there for you. You shouldn't feel embarrassed. If someone makes you feel bad about it... ."oh, your poor mom, why are you so hurtful to her?" they may not really care about you in the way a good friend or loved one should. You are not a bad person. You aren't.

If you're like many of us, your manipulative mother's voice is always inside of your head. If you tell people about her, if you are honest about YOUR feelings, you are waging a slander campaign against her. Screw that. Your life, your happiness, you are not in charge of making her happy or pleasing her.

Love & hugs to you

[louis1]

Some people who are high-functioning people with BPD can appear to be totally normal to the rest of the world, so I'm not surprised that your relatives don't know what's going on or understand your relationship with your mother.

BPD can be very hard to explain to others. Do you need to say anything? Sometimes just a "we have a complicated relationship," can fend off questions and well-intended-but-unwanted attention.

Foodie,

Geekygirl is absolutely correct. Just because we select family members see the chaos front row and center, doesn't mean everyone will. There are those that are functional in their illness. My mother is the same way. While everyone in my family is aware that my mother has something wrong with her and frequently ask my sister and I what the problem is, they have no clue how bad it really is. Many people with BPD show their symptoms more severely with those closest to them. Mostly their children. We see things growing up in the household that no one else on the outside will. I run into the same problem with my family and they have no clue the severity of what I or my sister explains to them. Many times you will start to feel a little crazy because you are the only one seeing this and no one else is. But you're not. Like I said, its common for those closer to bear the wrath more than others. In public, my mother seems like a normal, functioning member of society, but behind closed doors, its completely different. I spent many many years growing up thinking I was nuts because I was the only one that saw it. As I aged, I realized with research, professional help and reflection with my sibling, that we weren't nuts, we were experiencing a parent with a mental illness.

You're not alone.