Understanding Projection

[Hiloguy]

Hi all, I need a little help with understanding projection. My exBPDgf and I  dated for about 2 years than finally broke up over a year ago and we had NC for over 10 months. She and I had been friends for over 12 years and it was a good friendship for the most part. Recently I felt a need to contact her and hopefully we could be friends again. So I sent her this poem.

Friends from the time we met

We had a life time of moments

Some good and bad

Although I know the truth about many things

I understand.

I understand only as a close friend could understand

Sometime back you mentioned to me

That I was the one person that loved you unconditionally

This remains true

I promised that somehow I always would be there

I know that it seems that I have abandoned you

But that not true

Just needed time to heal so I can be strong once again

If you find yourself in a dark place

Don’t despair

Because your friend is right here

She received it well and it was nice talking to her. It turns out that she has had some health problems and is going to need surgery. She started calling/texting quite a bit which made me feel a little concerned that she was taking this as a reconnection on a dating level vs a friendship level so I sent her this text.

Good morning. I hope ur day is going well. Its been nice talking to you again. I wanted u to know that my intentions in contacting you were so  we could hopefully regain our friendship (which means a lot to me BTW) and be in each other’s lives again as friends. So if you get back together with ur boyfriend I don’t want you to feel awkward. I didn’t really have a chance to tell u but there is someone im seeing although shes away for the time being (for work) its nothing to serious but its all I need for now. I just don’t want u to feel awkward. The truth is we were way better as friends than as a couple. ; ) Have a great day TTYL

So everything seems to be OK and we continue to talk and its light and fun like it use to be when she and I were friends from before, than she sends me this text three days later.

I have this feeling you may be thinking I got together with Jim bc  I haven’t called as much. So I just wanted you to say 1st of all that I haven’t but I was afraid that us talking may have lead you to think in any way that I had feeling for you outside friendship, because where I did at one time, I no longer do. Not trying to be mean, just want to be up front & honest with you so that there is no confusion. And I just want to be friends with you, I just don’t want you thinking I’ll ever want more. And im not saying you were “thinking” that but I just don’t want you to ever say I was leading you on in any way. That’s why I told you the other day that everything I said was as friends. I do still care for you as a friend & want you to be happy. And I would be so happy if things worked out with you and the girl who’s out of town right now, or anyone else. I’m not sure what the future holds for Jim & I but I’m just going to enjoy being single right now and focus on my daughter and going back to school. And not saying I may not try with Jim again or meet someone else. I just know that I only want us to be friends and that im not in any hurry to be in relationship right now.

Is this projection? I think I was clear when I sent her the text about my intentions. If this is projection than what does it mean and what’s the best way to handle it?

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[Seashells]

   Hilo-

Others may have something more to add.  I can understand why this might be confusing.

I'd suggest this could either be face value or a sort of ego mechanism that might play into their abandonment fears.  Even though it's not a rejection, to her it may have felt like one when you asserted not wishing to mislead her by your feelings in just wanting a friendship.

Projection in my experience is being accused of things that are not true, etc.  As in I was once called a "liar" when I hadn't lied about anything.  It's a very weird and confusing thing to deal with.  Really makes you "shake your head" and hard not to take personally even though you know it's not true.  It's usually an accusation against you. 

They take things they've done (or bad feelings about themselves) and attempt to attribute them or "project" them on to someone else to make themselves feel better.

Hope that helps.

[KE151]

BPD speak is sometimes difficult to translate into English but her last couple of sentences make me feel she's leaving a door open for you. And maybe she's also saying there are others who are interested so don't wait too long. Or then again, maybe it's something completely different 

Best to not think about what she says but observe her actions instead.

Let us know how things evolve, it seems pretty rare to get a BPD to enter a genuine reciprocal friendship.