Hello

[Doubleton]

Hi, I just need to be with others facing this. My adult daughter has had mental health problems since 12, including suicide attempts, depression and risky behaviours, including non-compliance with treatment for her insulin-dependent diabetes. She was diagnosed with BPD several years ago but refused to engage with psychiatric services. She will not take her prescribed anti-depressants. She became accidentally pregnant in a very new relationship and then again when her first son was months old, to the same father, with whom she had remained in a relationship. Her boys, my darling grandsons, are now 2 years 4 months and 13 months old.

Throughout her illness I have been the butt of all her anger and yet the one she always needed. I've helped her as much as I can but she often acts as if she hates me. She separated from her partner in July and in early September her father, my ex-husband, died very suddenly. She is not coping with the boys and seems to avoid them as much as possible. She loves them but gets others to look after them as much as possible, she can manage very little on her own. I work 6 days a week and am exhausted and desperately worried about the boys' emotional well being. She has become fixated on the idea that her father abandoned her and that I will too, I could be dying and not know it. So now she is planning to leave the boys with their father while she moves to another town a couple of hours away, getting them back when she's settled. They need their mother, they're so little. And if she goes ahead and takes them away from all the adults who've provided security and consistency I'm desperately worried for them all, she can't cope with a whole day alone at the moment. I don't know what to do or where to turn.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Doubleton,

I am so sorry you are going through all of this... .As parents we hope that our children will be healthy and happy. When that doesn't happen, it is devastating. Adding grandchildren into the painful mix is a lot of saddness to bear... .

I am glad you found us. This is a good place to share and to look for support. There are many parents and grandparents here who are going through similar dilemmas. We understand what you are going through... .It doesn't make the problems go away, but it makes it easier to bear.

Also, there is hope - even though our loved ones are ill, there is a lot we can do to make things better... .

Your daughter's behaviors that you describe do sound familiar - especially the latest 'abandonment fears' that she is displaying after her father's death, and trying to escape the problem by moving. What is the father of the boys like? Do you have contact with him?

[Doubleton]

Hi, thank you for replying. He's lovely but suffers from depression himself. We have a good relationship, have had to have because there have been times when we've shared care of daughter and boys between us. He has sought my help in dealing with her in the past but she eventually asked him to leave, they both admit because of his 'temper' No excuse but he was doing everything, including early wakings, and working full time and she kept criticising him. As she does me. I'm terrified that either if she moves temporarily without the boys he will go for custody or if she takes them away losing regular contact with a good and loving father and having her as the only consistent adult will damage them. They love her so much, but she's so unstable.

[pessim-optimist]

Hi again, Doubleton,

It's good to know that you have a good relationship with the boys' father. It's best for both parents to be around their children... .Does he have access to them now? How often does he see them? Perhaps in time your daughter will realize that having him take care of them part of the time is really a good thing for her, and she might stay in town... .

Have you had a chance to read some books on BPD? The one that helped me most was called Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder - by Shari Y. Manning, Ph.D. . It has a lot of practical suggestions on how to communicate with our loved one w/BPD and how to help them.

Is your daughter sharing her plans with you and asking questions, or is she set on moving at this point?

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Doubleton, and I'd like to join pessim-optimist in welcoming you to this site, and I share her thought that maybe your daughter could change her mind in leaving town? It sounds like she is a Low Functioning BPD possibly, and maybe she will not follow through with this idea. I do know how frantic the thought of her leaving with the boys and then failing to be able to care for them herself could make you feel. I'm really sorry you are having to deal with all of this stress.

It might be a good, centering process for you to check out the links to the right-side margin of this page... .there you will find information that can help you understand your daughter's mind better, and also tools and techniques to help you communicate with her in ways that don't push every one of her buttons. I've found, in my own relationship with my adult (36) son who was recently diagnosed with BPD, that once I changed the way I communicated with him, he changed the way he reacted to me, and things improved in a million ways!

In fact, changing our relationship in this way made it easier for me to help him seek and continue in treatment for his BPD and other diagnoses (ADD, Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal Ideation, Substance Abuse). He is now 8 months clean and sober, and doesn't exhibit very many BPD behaviors anymore... .And, a Low Functioning BPD himself, he is also becoming better at navigating his life than he has been in the past. It's taking time, but he's getting better every day.

I know the fears you have, and the heartbreak of all of this... .I'm happy your sons' father is at least good with them; maybe there will be some way that your daughter will not move away, and some way you can help her find her way to finding treatment for her BPD and other issues. This article might help you with that: Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment. Here's another with good information: Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder [New].

Please tell us more of what is going on with you, Doubleton, and let us help you through all of this. We are here for you     

[Doubleton]

Well things have moved on. Daughter was beginning to say angrily that she would deliberately fail interview for job in other town and not go. I think she was having second thoughts but wanted to blame others for her revised choice. Then her 2 year old became very ill, had to go to hospital by ambulance. Diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder, post-viral immune response. May recover completely, may be chronic, time will tell. Risk that head bumps will cause brain bleeds so scary, although he seems well in himself. Daughter immediately perceived this as more bad stuff happening to her and is swinging between 'panic attacks' (where she gets nearly hysterical at the idea of him doing anything at all) and avoiding the boys even more than usual. He has to have more blood tests on Tuesday. She is currently looking for full time work and wants them to go to a childminder rather than the 3 days they currently do at nursery. But she is saying she can't make the phone calls etc. so expecting me to deal with it for her. Her communications today have been terse, distant, I don't know why. I had persuaded her to see doctor herself on Tuesday. She went, but just came back and said dismissively that he had just given her some numbers to ring. I just don't know how to help, or what I should be doing, or for who.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello again Doubleton,

I am so sorry to hear about your little grandson's health troubles... .Let's all hope he will recover fully. If not, plans will probably have to be made as to how to manage the situation. But that's for another day.

It's good to hear that she did change her mind on moving to another town.

She is currently looking for full time work and wants them to go to a childminder rather than the 3 days they currently do at nursery. But she is saying she can't make the phone calls etc. so expecting me to deal with it for her. Her communications today have been terse, distant, I don't know why. I had persuaded her to see doctor herself on Tuesday. She went, but just came back and said dismissively that he had just given her some numbers to ring. I just don't know how to help, or what I should be doing, or for who.

I know, it can be confusing to detangle the situation. It is stressful.

There are several components:

1. Ideally, what would you like to do or be willing to do for your daughter, and/or your grandson?

2. You can talk to your daughter, validate her feelings about the situation, and ask her questions to let her share her fears and frustrations, and validate some more. This part is very important. It lets them know we really hear them.

3. Asking them questions, and being there for them emotionally, while we let them solve their own problems, is often very empowering for the pwBPD. Letting them know that we believe in them and their abilities instead of taking over and solving their problems for them, both teaches them skills they need to acquire and builds their confidence.

4. You can ask her, how you could help. If she wants you to do something you are ok with, go ahead and help her. If she is asking something she can easily do for herself, you can tell her something like: 'I feel like this is something you can do better for yourself than me doing it for you. At the same time, I want to be there for you and help, what else can I help with?'

In addition, you might be dealing with FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt). In a relationship with a person w/BPD, we can ge ttrapped by all the 'shoulds' that come up. Those are not always healthy, or helpful. Here is a good link that might help Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Let us know what you think... .