progress?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I think I may be starting to see a bit of progress in the family dynamics.  I recently very subtly sent information regarding BPD to my sister (the queen description fits her perfectly and I sent my sister that description) and it seems that she is starting to enforce boundaries with my mother, and realizing that she is a bit of a nutcase.  I must admit, I think my sister was a major enabler of my mothers, but she is now married to someone who refuses to get pushed around.  As a result, everyone has put up boundaries (except perhaps my father, but that's a whole other can of worms). That means my mother can no longer play favourites between my sister and i.  I'm feeling that my mother is isolated, and alone, however, it also means that she is less likely to get angry with me and push me away.   For the first time the other day, I was able to communicate certain things to her, like point out that when good things happened to me (as something good had happened to me and I told her about it), she was incapable of being happy for me, and would try and bring me down about it.  She reacted, not by escalating the situation, as she would normally would do, but trying to justify herself, and then eventually moving to a different topic. While I didn't get a "you're right" I was at least able to tell her how I felt.  It's so small, miniscule even, but it felt good. And I would say it's all about enforcing boundaries.

It makes me conclude that pwBPD get away with what they do because they find people who will accept it.  If people don't accept it, they won't do it... .It's like some of us are fuel for the BPD fire.  If we stop feeding it, the BPD fire dies out, and you're left with a lost person.  I guess the problem is that some BPDers will always be able to find their fuel... .and will go far and wide to get it.  But if you can remove the enabling... .things will inevitably shift.

[caughtnreleased]

So, I think I may be starting to see a bit of progress in the family dynamics.  I recently very subtly sent information regarding BPD to my sister (the queen description fits her perfectly and I sent my sister that description) and it seems that she is starting to enforce boundaries with my mother, and realizing that she is a bit of a nutcase.  I must admit, I think my sister was a major enabler of my mothers, but she is now married to someone who refuses to get pushed around.  As a result, everyone has put up boundaries (except perhaps my father, but that's a whole other can of worms). That means my mother can no longer play favourites between my sister and i.  I'm feeling that my mother is isolated, and alone, however, it also means that she is less likely to get angry with me and push me away.   For the first time the other day, I was able to communicate certain things to her, like point out that when good things happened to me (as something good had happened to me and I told her about it), she was incapable of being happy for me, and would try and bring me down about it.  She reacted, not by escalating the situation, as she would normally would do, but trying to justify herself, and then eventually moving to a different topic. While I didn't get a "you're right" I was at least able to tell her how I felt.  It's so small, miniscule even, but it felt good. And I would say it's all about enforcing boundaries.

It makes me conclude that pwBPD get away with what they do because they find people who will accept it.  If people don't accept it, they won't do it... .It's like some of us are fuel for the BPD fire.  If we stop feeding it, the BPD fire dies out, and you're left with a lost person.  I guess the problem is that some BPDers will always be able to find their fuel... .and will go far and wide to get it.  But if you can remove the enabling... .things will inevitably shift.

[cpatlew]

Dear unhooking,

It is funny after reading your message about your mother it related so much to my DIL. I think I have been an enabler to her lies and deceitfulness by rising to the occasion and either ignoring or getting angry. My son is blind to her or outright accepting to her ways but I guess I am by ignoring or getting angry. Last night after another confrontation from her and my son in front of our grandkids instead of getting angry I just said "I am done!" and walked away. I was so angry that she had came into my house and gone through my emails and texts that I was afraid of what I would say. Walking away set boundaries with her and told her and my son you are done bashing me. Maybe in some way I am the fuel to her BPD fire. If I walk away and not engage what does she really have left? My son will come to the point in his life that it will all blow up on him but that is going to have to be his problem. For now I will stop being the fuel and start being an extinguisher. Thanks for giving me a little insight!