Her Birthday... my feelings

[thisyoungdad]

So tomorrow, Monday, we sign papers for our legal separation. Her birthday is on Tuesday. I always enjoyed lavishing on her on her birthday, but I am that type of guy. Last year on my birthday later in the winter she was surprisingly generous, kind and loving despite things getting tough and tense and her basically having stood by her "I want a divorce and I refuse to do anything to work on anything except blame you" attitude. She came to my house with my daughter, and brought me the most thoughtful gift I could imagine. It took effort on her part even.

Now especially since I know she isn't dating I want to at least give her a card or something... .

Yet the problem is that at that at the very same time I want her to know how hurt I am still. Although I so much better than last year at this time I am still pretty hurt, sad, missing her on some days etc.  and I expect the signing since it involves final settlement stuff, to be pretty emotional for me. I keep thinking about wearing the same nice shirt I did on our wedding two years ago to the signing tomorrow... .but I realized she may not even remember or care if she does.

I just feel like I want her to understand how I am hurt. So I know if I give her a card it will hurt me, and I will want to write something sentimental or whatever to try to show her she made a mistake through my writing because I am a poet and many women including her have said so often I can be so eloquent and charming. She has hinted that she regrets leaving, feels guilty about it, misses me etc at various times in recent months but nothing directly.

My head knows I need to let her go, my heart is starting to know this but still has some time to go. In fact a small part of me hopes in the next 6 months of legal separation she will "see the light" but I know this is ridiculous. I know that a card telling her whatever is a bad idea, mostly for the pain it will cause me when it won't matter to her. The shirt will hurt me more than her because it may remind me of a time full of dreams and it she might not even recall it. I just fall into wishful thinking that it would hurt her, or she would finally see how much pain I have been through or just see the light. It is the first time in 6 years I won't do something for her on her birthday. Part of me even hopes that she will realize how good she had it when she doesn't have anything on her birthday this year and want to make changes to come back.

Am I nuts or just on some weird emotional roller coaster or what... .

Although on a last thought, I suppose I can see growth because even a few months ago I may have impulsively done any or all of the things I mentioned, where as now I know I can't or shouldn't and am just struggling with the strength to do what I know I need to (not engage in any of what I mentioned) because not engaging hurts too.

[Waifed]

You are not nuts, you are just still going the the detachment stages.  Don't beat yourself up and stay as strong as you can.  Life is a journey.  Take it one day at a time.