psychological effects of serving a BPD

[maxen]

hello, bpdfamily. i'm not exactly sure what i'm driving after, but here are my questions.

she comes home from work, announces "this marriage isn't working. there's somebody else" and drives away to move in with that person. it was all over in an hour. after some more mindbreaking episodes i get a letter from a lawyer. i've never had a letter from a lawyer and my hands are shaking. i open it, and so-n-so has been retained in the matter of uBPDw (or, if you prefer, lying adulterous coward) v. maxen. but there's no docket number. by this time i already had an appt with a lawyer, the very next day in fact, and to our amazement it's not an error, she didn't file. i filed lickety-split. this makes a difference because our domiciles are technically in different counties, and mine is better to have for my interests. in about 3 weeks i have to take the decision to serve.

so... .

question 1: it's right that i divorce her. i don't know if there'll be an element of psychological satisfaction though. what's done is done, i've been humiliated, and who divorces whom can't change that. i think she's gone for good and won't care, but see next. anyway, how did youse feel when you actually served your BPDx? scared? relieved?

question 2: () during our last face to face meeting, which she asked for to discuss the "possibility of returning home", she said alot of things, mostly about the innumerable ways i hurt her. but she did blurt out angrily "i haven't filed? some of my friends think i should just file for divorce!", as if this was a sign of her good will that i didn't appreciate (and what has she been telling some of her friends?). so that was confirmed. the last thing she said that evening was "i don't know what to do", viz., stay with the paramour or come "home". in a brief email exchange later her last words were "i'm very confused", and i've been NC with her the month since. i don't know if she knows now that i've filed. she's been psychotically arrogant to me from the comfort of her new thing, with which she's "happy", yet, as you see, she hasn't closed the door. every situation is different, but do any of youse have any experience with what might happen when a BPD actually has the door closed on them?

[ForeverDad]

1.  It was something I had to do.  I accepted that the marriage had become unhealthy and dysfunctional.  Even if she came back I had to accept that my trust was gone.  Similar to Humpty Dumpty who fell and smashed, any repair of the relationship faced insurmountable odds.  Even if I decided to try to glue it all back together, I would simply be back at risk of it happening all over again.

2.  Quite likely she's got you on the back burner to simmer, held in reserve in case she wanted to bounce back - flings and affairs often fail - as though nothing had happened.  However, there's a saying, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."

The elephant in the room is her cognitive perceptions and behavior pattern.  Likely she does not or cannot see it, so reasoning with her may not work.  Until your spouse gets into serious therapy with an trained and experienced professional and makes solid progress toward recovery and consistently improved perceptions and behaviors, it WILL happen again if you get back together... .a matter of WHEN, not IF.

Frankly, if you decide the marriage is over, then you as the more reasonable and stable person ought to be in charge of unwinding the marriage.  If it is done best in your jurisdiction, then do so.  Don't feel guilted or pressured, just proceed with what you know is the best.  Once started, don't second guess yourself.  Expect her to rage, guilt, manipulate, obstruct, sabotage, etc.  That's par for the course around here.

Generally it is best to handle a divorce in a businesslike way, so try to keep emotions set aside.  It's not emotion-based like courtship and healthy marriage.  As one person wrote:

Divorce = court.

Emotions = therapy/counseling.

[Knowingishalf]

You are about in the same place I am, I am filing Friday.  I am going to add along the same lines as ForeverDad

- I can not go back, once I realized what was happening and saw everything for what it was my trust and respect was just gone.  The treatment that I received over the history can't be erased by any current actions.  I had to accept the things that were happening were real and not imagined/suppressed and were not going to improve.

- Once you are to the point of divorce a lot of second guessing can occur.  I had to take stock of where I was and have a realistic picture of the outcome.  I could not see a way to get to where I would be happy in the relationship again and this is where I had to be firm.  I think you will need to lock in on your expectations and their realism.

- And once you know the other person is capable of cheating that is always going to subtract from the trust required to go forward.

Hope some of my point of view helps somewhat.

[maxen]

thanks foreverdad.

Even if she came back I had to accept that my trust was gone.  Similar to Humpty Dumpty who fell and smashed, any repair of the relationship faced insurmountable odds.

 

likewise, i would have to hear how i would be able to trust her again. i probably couldn't. the mountain we would have to climb is very high, including repairing thing with her friends and my friends. and what she did was pretty sordid to boot. but of course i say that now, what would i feel if she really made a pitch?

Until your spouse gets into serious therapy with an trained and experienced professional and makes solid progress toward recovery and consistently improved perceptions and behaviors, it WILL happen again if you get back together... .a matter of WHEN, not IF.

i must go on that. she doesn't know she has it. her therapist is useless. i even suspect the T of not discouraging her course of action.

Once started, don't second guess yourself.  Expect her to rage, guilt, manipulate, obstruct, sabotage, etc.  That's par for the course around here.

thanks. i think her mind's made up, but i've had such strongly conflicting signals that i don't know what to expect. she does have that BPD sense of entitlement though.

i have tried as hard as possible to keep my emotions out of the legal business. my lawyer has helped with that (she talked me out of filing in adultery, e.g.).

[maxen]

thanks knowing is half

- I can not go back, once I realized what was happening and saw everything for what it was my trust and respect was just gone.  The treatment that I received over the history can't be erased by any current actions.

 

in bold there. that has played a large part in my thinking/feeling. she is also utterly unapologetic about her deceit.

- Once you are to the point of divorce a lot of second guessing can occur.  I had to take stock of where I was and have a realistic picture of the outcome.  I could not see a way to get to where I would be happy in the relationship again and this is where I had to be firm.  I think you will need to lock in on your expectations and their realism.

yes i will. i try to imagine us being at home together in the evenings now and it's almost impossible.

[ForeverDad]

I recall my ex, in the months before separation, demanding that I respect her.  It was pure projection, she was the one ranting, raging, demanding, setting extreme ultimatums, demanding apologies for anything and everything but not willing to give them, etc.

We were separated for about 5 months before I filed for divorce. I recall asking in court with judge or lawyer present if she was willing to reconcile.  She just turned her head away.  My case was over custody of our preschooler, she was very possessive and entitled.  Over the years she did have BFs but so far as I know she didn't start with any.  Your cases, ones with 'wandering' spouses, may be different, but no less tricky.  Unwinding the marriage will be a challenge and be very exhausting.  But it can be done.  Have stronger boundaries.  Be influenced less by guilting and manipulation.  Seek support - trusted friends (not mutual friends) and family (probably just yours), lawyer (legal), counselor/therapist (emotions & life impact), peer support ("been there, done that" ideas).

[maxen]

thanks again foreverdad.

Unwinding the marriage will be a challenge and be very exhausting.  But it can be done.  Have stronger boundaries.  Be influenced less by guilting and manipulation.  Seek support - trusted friends (not mutual friends) and family (probably just yours), lawyer (legal), counselor/therapist (emotions & life impact), peer support ("been there, done that" ideas).

i've got them all. mutual friends and her family are out, as she's blacked me to them.

[livednlearned]

My L told me there is an advantage to filing first. She also wanted me to file in a county that was much more matter-of-fact, less good ol' boys. It sounds like you're getting the same advice. If your L is telling you there's a home-court advantage that will protect your interests, don't hedge here. File first. Your wife already fired a very serious warning shot by almost filing. Sure, she may recycle you, but chances are you'll be back here in the same place again.

When someone files for divorce, they are at the business end of the relationship.

[marbleloser]

Filing first is a great advantage in that "you" kinda set the pace of the proceedings. That said, when she's served,be prepared for the onslought of negativity from her. You will be called everything in the book,told what an idiot you are,how you don't stand a chance,blah blah blah. Keep any texts or emails.Do not accept phonecalls! More importantly,do not respond once she is served! Let your atty do all the talking.

I heard it all and it re-enforced that I had made the right decision.

[ForeverDad]

There is a huge perspective change when going from "Staying and trying to make it work" to "Leaving because it still won't work".  For most of us this was one of the most difficult transitions of all.

When staying you often shared some of your confidential and private matters.  That's normal in a functional marriage.  However, when unwinding a marriage or relationship, you have to be much more guarded in what you share.  Why?  What you share could be used against you, perhaps even to sabotage your efforts to exit gracefully or have as much custody and parenting of the children as possible.

Sadly, when a marriage is ending, the friendship may implode as well, if you haven't already been deemed an enemy or evil personified.  You may want to be fair and open about everything (an excellent quality under different circumstances) but when dealing with an acting-out disordered person, you can't risk sharing any more information than absolutely necessary.  What you share or divulge under intense interrogation, pressure or guilting is likely to be twisted and/or used against you.  Especially do not share your exit strategies, that's virtually an invitation for obstruction and sabotage.  Just an FYI from someone who has faced many false allegations* of many types.

* We who live through it know they are False Allegations, however courts and agencies often claim to not know the truth and typically consider them as "unsubstantiated" allegations and allow repeated allegations so the informant is not hindered from reporting.  Rarely, they may state they are "unfounded".  It's even hard to get a court to call someone out as a liar, usually the most you can get is a rare declaration of "not credible".

[maxen]

If your L is telling you there's a home-court advantage that will protect your interests, don't hedge here. File first. Your wife already fired a very serious warning shot by almost filing. Sure, she may recycle you, but chances are you'll be back here in the same place again.

When someone files for divorce, they are at the business end of the relationship.

she did tell me that, and i jumped to file. thank crikey i did too, if she had served me on top of traducing and degrading me i don't know how i would have handled it.

Filing first is a great advantage in that "you" kinda set the pace of the proceedings.

yes this has been a great benefit. i am still emotionally devastated. filings last for 120 days in my state. i've had that time to ride the worst of emotions but i'm not fully ready yet. i may, but will try hard not to, pull and re-file. i have about 3 weeks left. i'm pretty battered though.

great screen name, btw.

Keep any texts or emails.Do not accept phonecalls! More importantly,do not respond once she is served! Let your atty do all the talking.

I heard it all and it re-enforced that I had made the right decision.

right, i'm ready.

Sadly, when a marriage is ending, the friendship may implode as well, if you haven't already been deemed an enemy or evil personified.  You may want to be fair and open about everything (an excellent quality under different circumstances) but when dealing with an acting-out disordered person, you can't risk sharing any more information than absolutely necessary.  What you share or divulge under intense interrogation, pressure or guilting is likely to be twisted and/or used against you.

i did the co-dependent-to-a-BPD thing: in an effort to win us back i took responsibility for one or two issues that were in fact both our responsibilities. but i've filed in irreconcilable, so that shouldn't make a difference?

and the friendship is quite dead now, after what she did. right now i don't know who this person is.

she blurted out at our last meeting that she had squandered her income during the marriage, and i'm the responsible sort, so on top of lying, infidelity, and being unapologetic of the lying and infidelity, i may be paying her quite a sum. i must trust my lawyer, who shows every sign of being quite successful (e.g., her fees).

frankly if she doesn't react at all when i serve her i'll be sad.

[Nope]

frankly if she doesn't react at all when i serve her i'll be sad.

Just because you don't see an immediate reaction doesn't mean one isn't happening. In my case the BPD person always gets very quiet right after we file anything. Then a week before court is when the guilt and manipulation attempts start. My suggestion is to be careful if she seems calm. It's usually a calm before a storm.

[ForeverDad]

The pattern with my ex was that about a week before a hearing she would make a new - but "unsubstantiated" - allegation apparently in the hope she would have something from an agency such as CPS, the hospital, police or sheriff deputies incident reports, etc, to wave in front of the judge to claim I was worse than her.

She was never told to stop the nonsense since that would hinder her from feeling free to file more allegations, one or more of which might theoretically or potentially be substantiated.  You don't dare discourage a whistleblower, not in DV, abuse, neglect or endangerment claims.

[livednlearned]

frankly if she doesn't react at all when i serve her i'll be sad.

Just because you don't see an immediate reaction doesn't mean one isn't happening. In my case the BPD person always gets very quiet right after we file anything. Then a week before court is when the guilt and manipulation attempts start. My suggestion is to be careful if she seems calm. It's usually a calm before a storm.

This is a super important insight -- have you heard of extinction bursts? Important concept for nons to learn. When you start to anticipate what she'll do after you do x, it really helps with the emotion-management stuff.

I'm now at the point where I'll get a wacky email from N/BPDx, and will then think, "Oh right. We have court next week. He's in a burst."

[Aussie0zborn]

The best thing you can so when dealing its a pwBPD is to get in first. Regardless of what it is, get in first as you can never know which way things will twist. And they are capable of doing things you wouldn't even be able to think of.

[Mutt]

question 2: () during our last face to face meeting, which she asked for to discuss the "possibility of returning home", she said alot of things, mostly about the innumerable ways i hurt her. but she did blurt out angrily "i haven't filed? some of my friends think i should just file for divorce!", as if this was a sign of her good will that i didn't appreciate (and what has she been telling some of her friends?). so that was confirmed. the last thing she said that evening was "i don't know what to do", viz., stay with the paramour or come "home". in a brief email exchange later her last words were "i'm very confused", and i've been NC with her the month since. i don't know if she knows now that i've filed. she's been psychotically arrogant to me from the comfort of her new thing, with which she's "happy", yet, as you see, she hasn't closed the door. every situation is different, but do any of youse have any experience with what might happen when a BPD actually has the door closed on them?

What message would I be sending to my walkaway wife that left with kids to live with her paramour and I let her come back to me?

What message would I be sending the kids when mom left dad for paramour, paramour is living with them, then mom is back with dad?

[maxen]

thanks again to everyone, for this thread and the other thread too.

i'm meeting with my L today.

[ForeverDad]

question 2: () during our last face to face meeting, which she asked for to discuss the "possibility of returning home", she said alot of things, mostly about the innumerable ways i hurt her.

A normal person would reasonably say, "You did X so I did Y.  I feel we both share responsibility."

Your spouse likely would say this, "You did X so I did Y.  It's not my fault I did Y because you did X."

No one likes admitting fault but the disordered person goes further to avoid it to the point of blame-shifting, even guilting.

[maxen]

No one likes admitting fault but the disordered person goes further to avoid it to the point of blame-shifting, even guilting.

she is a champion at that.