I am the route of all her evil

[blondie34]

Today, I feel the need to bang my head against the wall several times.

My BPD partner was supposed to start her college classes again today after taking a few months off due to her illness and her anxiety levels. Last night I promised her I would help her in the morning if she needed. The shirt she wanted to wear wasn't dry so I asked if there was another shirt she could wear not realizing she was super set on this one particular shirt today. It wasn't that I was unwilling to help, but by asking that single question, it turned into an argument that I never listen (which I will admit, I need to work on my listening skills) to her because I didn't recall her expressing how excited she was to wear her new shirt on her first day back to class.

Everything just went downhill from there. At this point, she is cancelling all of her classes because I stress her out too much, require all of her attention, everything is about my needs/wants/feelings and she can't go to school while trying to make our relationship work.

Every time we argue, she brings up the past and everything I ever did wrong. When she wants an explanation for my actions and I attempt to explain myself, my explanation is an excuse.

She feels that I do not put an effort into our relationship because I "refuse" to work on myself and haven't shown any sign of improvement in my behaviour.

I am main cause of her depression and being unhappy. This morning she was talking about hurting herself and that she's been thinking about suicide which point I could care less about what is going on between us and I go straight to scared/worried mode.

I instinctively get defensive and as much as I try not to, it still happens. I try and walk away from the conversation explaining either "I've heard what you have said, I need to think about it, process and we will come back to this later." or "I am getting upset and/or angry, I will probably say something that will hurt your feelings or I will regret, so I need time to calm down." Sometimes these tactics work, other times not so much. We have even agreed that if an argument last more than 10 mins, we would both take a "10 min cool down" and resume when we are both calmer (this rarely happens).

I know she appreciates the things that I do do for her, but i'm finding it difficult because as much as she appreciates things, it feels like my effort does not meet her standards.

I've read through some of the threads and will continue to read some more today as they are all very helpful. I just needed to say this out loud because I do not have any support to continue my relationship with her as no one understands that she has an illness and now she has quit school because of me   like WTH?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[seh77]

Blondie,

I to have been through very similar things with my DBPDGF.  I totally understand how you feel.  My GF says she is very happy with me and wouldn't change a thing.  But it seems we are always arguing about what I have done wrong.  Then she wonders why I get defensive.  I know that what she says she doesn't mean, but it's hard to deal with sometimes. 

This site has been a tremendous help for me.  Learning to validate and set.  You are definitely in a great place to vent and get suggestions. 

[allibaba]

Blondie34,

I am sure that going back to class after a time off is extremely stressful for your BPD partner.  When my husband gets stressed out (usually about finding a job) he goes down that same path of HOW CAN I FIND A JOB WHEN I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU ALL THE TIME.  The reality is that he's triggered by the stress of finding a job and I'm the nearest/ easier target.

and now she has quit school because of me   like WTH?

I suspect that she probably has not cancelled all her classes and she is probably just dragging you along for the ride in her life of BPD drama.  Even if she did quit her classes... .you didn't cause it... .her own anxiety did.

I have found it really helpful to avoid getting pulled into JADE when my husband is dyregulated (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  It sound like she is using your old mistakes as a way to take out her stress.  I might take one shot at explaining something and if he continues to DEMAND then I disengage or try to change the subject

I also avoid discussions and focus on MY behavior.  MY behavior is not open for discussion.  Me getting fixed is not open for discussion.  Maybe if he were in a different place then we could have lots of discussions about my issues but for today, I think he had better focus on himself.

You sound like you have lots of tools for conflict down.  Have you tried validating the fact that this is a stressful period for her?

[lostandunsure]

I can totally relate! Absolutely!

It's so frustrating isn't it? You could be standing there and respond or ask a simple question and suddenly, they are raging, because of some little thing that you didn't know about. It happens all the time.

Just some thoughts that might help:

1. This isn't easy, but you have to remember that her emotions are hers, not yours. Her actions are her's as well. It's so easy to take on what they are feeling, isn't it? But her cross to bear is hers, she picked it up and she's going to carry it. You don't have to pick one up too... .She isn't going to put hers down because you picked one up too... .It just means that you are both carrying much more than you should. My mantra now, when she's dysregulating, is "Those are her feelings, not mine"

2. I don't know if you've ready any books about BPD, but you might want to pick some up. Most will have help with communication tools, ways to say things to get your point across that will hopefully help defuse situations or at least try to not make things worse. I've been working on SET and DEARMAN, it's not always easy. The first thing that usually comes to mind is to explain yourself, which it turns out isn't what they need or want to hear. Mostly it's about validating what they are feeling... .For example, "(Sympathize) I know you're upset that they shirt you had your heart set on isn't dry. (Empathize) I get frustrated too when I'm not able to wear what I'd like. (Truth) While it's not what you want, perhaps you could wear this instead, I think it's very flattering and looks good on you." It doesn't always work, and if I don't catch it in time, it seems like nothing I say matters, but at least this seems to be helping.

3. You need boundaries. Boundaries aren't for her, they are for you. You need to protect your emotions. When she dysregulates, she won't have a filter, she's going to say whatever she can to protect her own emotions. It sounds like her go-to's are blaming and projection. Blaming you for her anxiety and trying to project her frustrations on you. You agreed that if an argument lasts 10 minutes that you need a 10 minute cool down before it continues. Reinforce this. It's a good thing. "We've been arguing for 10 minutes now. We agreed that if that happens that we would each take a cool down period. I'm going to go to (private space, office, bedroom, etc.) to cool off so that talk more productively." Then get up and walk away for 10 minutes. The longer you stand there and continue to argue, the more "power" she gets, the more she sees that she can break the rules, even ones that she agreed to. This won't be easy, it may make things worse at first, but if you stick with it, it should help. As you set up boundaries to protect yourself and she's going to have to change in response. Yelling at you won't have the same effect, so she'll try something new, as long as you stop reinforcing the bad behavior, hopefully things will get better.

4. As for meeting her standards? You never will, so stop trying. Do the best you can and make sure that you are keeping yourself happy. Remember, once she dysregulates, all bets are off and even things that are completely out of your control will be your fault. I have been blamed for snow, the cold, the dogs barking, things that happened when I wasn't home.

5. Look up JADE and BPD. JADE stands for "Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain" - Don't do these things. It's very, very hard, because our natural inclination in the face of accusation is to do each one of these. It only makes things worse. Really, in a "normal" relationship, you should never have to JADE when a shirt is in the dryer. All it does is prolong the argument. So, in those situations, I fall back on SET, and validate her emotions of frustration at not being able to wear what she wants.

6. On a personal note, I get how frightening it is when your loved one talks about hurting themselves. Unfortunately, when my wife's abandonment issues are triggered, she self harms, she scratches off the upper layers of large patches of skin on her arms. She knows that I take this very seriously and that if she gets to a point where she can't stop that I will call 911. There was a point when I felt like I had to forcibly hold her hands and stop her from doing this. I have since learned that I can't be the one to do it. It's too painful for me and it only reinforces her need of me. Since she was was in a partial hospitalization program she hasn't done it to to the point where I've felt like I need to call for help, mainly because I think she knows that I will. Basically, the point I'm trying to make is, if you are overwhelmed and need help, call! Don't wait, you aren't alone and don't need to take it all on yourself. It's simply too much.

Believe it or not, she is finally getting better, we have a long way to go. She's on the waiting list for a DBT program and we're hoping that will finally provide the therapy she needs... .But even with a couple of months under our belts working on various communication tools and both of us going to programs to help learn more about these problems, combined with her desire to get better, things are starting to show improvement... .So we have some hope.