Old Life Flashes Back

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Today I got my mail. Inside I got a package. I looked on the front... .

His name flashed across who it was from. I stared at it for almost 5 minutes remembering every damaging thing done to me & my girls. Sense of pain welled up inside of my mind and I could feel the tears behind my eyes starting to form.

I ripped the package over and out came 3 cards. Each had our names on it. I refused to allow my girls to read theirs. I excused myself while I sat down in the lobby and opened mine up. He wrote me. After 6 1/2 years almost 7 he finally writes me a letter after I wondered why he never took the time before.

He wants me back. He is on meds, he says he is sorry a million. Wants our love to last forever and love each other like crazy. Wants to be a real father. Counseling regularly. The list goes on. Part of this pains me. I shake my head in disbelief. I think... .you had so much time to do this. Why now? He said he needed space now he know he doesn't want anyone else but me. He knows he needs the one true love. True love... .yes I have been through the sweet, terrible and debilitating stages in our relationship. I can't take care of him anymore. I have no strength left in me. He sapped ever bit of whatever I had before. I need someone who will shoulder me, carry me out of the valley ... .I need to be able to be weak and knowing that person will always be there as I am there for them.

I texted him back for the first time in months. I told him how I felt. I cannot and I do not wish to go back. I broke my silent vow of NC. I told him the biggest part of it all. Through all the humiliation, hurt and pain I have nothing but forgiveness and peace towards him. I made that choice tonight. Whatever happens here on it. I lay it down. Whatever happens in my life, I cannot control ... .I can only control with what I am doing or how I am living. Everything else is just that... .everything else. I cannot run from what I have been through, I can only accept it and make peace with it. I know with everything I have learned, felt, seen and witness I know I will never go back to that place. Not even if it dragged me kicking and screaming.

The fact he told me he got full time finally, meant more $... .

Money was never a issue for me. Nice to have... but it is not the core of life or love. He flaunted that ... .I knew that was a hook. I'd rather be so poor, roof over my head, clothing on my girls back, good food on the table... .that is all life needs. Rest are just wants.

Tonight, I make a promise to myself. Whatever happens I will be conscious, I will move forward, I will heal, I will love myself (I am at a point in my life where I am completely happy). No more living for people (other then my children).

Now I live for me.

[KHC_33]

Today I got my mail. Inside I got a package. I looked on the front... .

His name flashed across who it was from. I stared at it for almost 5 minutes remembering every damaging thing done to me & my girls. Sense of pain welled up inside of my mind and I could feel the tears behind my eyes starting to form.

I ripped the package over and out came 3 cards. Each had our names on it. I refused to allow my girls to read theirs. I excused myself while I sat down in the lobby and opened mine up. He wrote me. After 6 1/2 years almost 7 he finally writes me a letter after I wondered why he never took the time before.

He wants me back. He is on meds, he says he is sorry a million. Wants our love to last forever and love each other like crazy. Wants to be a real father. Counseling regularly. The list goes on. Part of this pains me. I shake my head in disbelief. I think... .you had so much time to do this. Why now? He said he needed space now he know he doesn't want anyone else but me. He knows he needs the one true love. True love... .yes I have been through the sweet, terrible and debilitating stages in our relationship. I can't take care of him anymore. I have no strength left in me. He sapped ever bit of whatever I had before. I need someone who will shoulder me, carry me out of the valley ... .I need to be able to be weak and knowing that person will always be there as I am there for them.

I texted him back for the first time in months. I told him how I felt. I cannot and I do not wish to go back. I broke my silent vow of NC. I told him the biggest part of it all. Through all the humiliation, hurt and pain I have nothing but forgiveness and peace towards him. I made that choice tonight. Whatever happens here on it. I lay it down. Whatever happens in my life, I cannot control ... .I can only control with what I am doing or how I am living. Everything else is just that... .everything else. I cannot run from what I have been through, I can only accept it and make peace with it. I know with everything I have learned, felt, seen and witness I know I will never go back to that place. Not even if it dragged me kicking and screaming.

The fact he told me he got full time finally, meant more $... .

Money was never a issue for me. Nice to have... but it is not the core of life or love. He flaunted that ... .I knew that was a hook. I'd rather be so poor, roof over my head, clothing on my girls back, good food on the table... .that is all life needs. Rest are just wants.

Tonight, I make a promise to myself. Whatever happens I will be conscious, I will move forward, I will heal, I will love myself (I am at a point in my life where I am completely happy). No more living for people (other then my children).

Now I live for me.

[Turkish]

Awesome! Good for you.

As a side note, my friend's mom wrote him a long Christmas card and letter this past year, wishing to reestablish contact. This was 25 years after leaving her children to run off with their father's best friend, and only a few weak attempts at contact in the first few years (and owing tens of thousands in child support she weaseled out of paying).

Abandoners, whether inside or outside, are strange animals. Vicious and dangerous all the same.

[KHC_33]

Abandoners, whether inside or outside, are strange animals. Vicious and dangerous all the same.

I quite agree with you. Regardless if he needed space. He never once offered to help with anything with my girls. He never emailed, or text or anything. He cut all contact off with them (he could have still tried to keep in touch, we could have kept it netural). Now suddenly we all have to be ready?

I think not. They have been through way too much.

Vicious yes. That pretty much sums it up.

[Changingman]

Love this post, good luck girl. You are right in everything you write. They are corrupt in there very souls, if they had souls. Just empty, I am seeing/feeling more of the emptyness they have inside them.

We are good people trying to live a life, regardless if we are slightly broken from our families... .all power to is xxxxx

[Changingman]

Us

[hopealways]

Very proud of you-what a story.

[PhoenixRising15]

I admire your strength and capacity to heal.

 

[Ironmanrises]

Today I got my mail. Inside I got a package. I looked on the front... .

His name flashed across who it was from. I stared at it for almost 5 minutes remembering every damaging thing done to me & my girls. Sense of pain welled up inside of my mind and I could feel the tears behind my eyes starting to form.

I ripped the package over and out came 3 cards. Each had our names on it. I refused to allow my girls to read theirs. I excused myself while I sat down in the lobby and opened mine up. He wrote me. After 6 1/2 years almost 7 he finally writes me a letter after I wondered why he never took the time before.

He wants me back. He is on meds, he says he is sorry a million. Wants our love to last forever and love each other like crazy. Wants to be a real father. Counseling regularly. The list goes on. Part of this pains me. I shake my head in disbelief. I think... .you had so much time to do this. Why now? He said he needed space now he know he doesn't want anyone else but me. He knows he needs the one true love. True love... .yes I have been through the sweet, terrible and debilitating stages in our relationship. I can't take care of him anymore. I have no strength left in me. He sapped ever bit of whatever I had before. I need someone who will shoulder me, carry me out of the valley ... .I need to be able to be weak and knowing that person will always be there as I am there for them.

I texted him back for the first time in months. I told him how I felt. I cannot and I do not wish to go back. I broke my silent vow of NC. I told him the biggest part of it all. Through all the humiliation, hurt and pain I have nothing but forgiveness and peace towards him. I made that choice tonight. Whatever happens here on it. I lay it down. Whatever happens in my life, I cannot control ... .I can only control with what I am doing or how I am living. Everything else is just that... .everything else. I cannot run from what I have been through, I can only accept it and make peace with it. I know with everything I have learned, felt, seen and witness I know I will never go back to that place. Not even if it dragged me kicking and screaming.

The fact he told me he got full time finally, meant more $... .

Money was never a issue for me. Nice to have... but it is not the core of life or love. He flaunted that ... .I knew that was a hook. I'd rather be so poor, roof over my head, clothing on my girls back, good food on the table... .that is all life needs. Rest are just wants.

Tonight, I make a promise to myself. Whatever happens I will be conscious, I will move forward, I will heal, I will love myself (I am at a point in my life where I am completely happy). No more living for people (other then my children).

Now I live for me.

In bold.

That is healing.

You stood your ground.

I know it wasn't easy.

[KHC_33]

Thank you everyone. Yes it was quite a challenge. He hasn't responded. I am not even expecting a response.

I am not playing chess with this man. His moves are all unpredictable and aimed to destroy.

More power to my healing.

[Inside]

KHC_33, had dinner on campus with my college girls today, I’d been the ‘at home dad’ for both from birth.  Forwent a career, and am paying for that now... .but yes, live for yours.  Their unconditional love is as true as it gets – and what a healthy comparison to the dysfunctional attempt at the same by my uBPDgf …as I move into week two of NC/ the silent treatment. 

I’ve been there before, recycled several times, but really needed the life-charge I got today from my girls.  Yes, our best investment!  

You said, “I'd rather be so poor, roof over my head, clothing on my girls back, good food on the table... .that is all life needs. Rest are just wants.”

…if found that so inspirational.  Stay in that place, I plan to do the same ~ and thank you for sharing