Should I relax about NC?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So it's been 7 months NC.  There never was a blow-up, or fight, just us trying to be friends and me telling him I couldn't be the one to be calling him all the time. We recycled once... .without really getting back together. A few months after the recycle, we met, poured our hearts out, and he promised he'd call. And he never did.  I decided I'd leave it at that.  I didn't want to be responsible for his breaking a promise 

But really, I stuck to NC because I knew that I had reached my limit, and putting anything more into it would be more than I could handle, and I'd be resentful, so I stuck to my guns. I made it through the moments of weakness and kept it.  Today I received a text from an unknown number "hey unhooking. Hope your well. c u around this winter hopefully."  ... .I thought it might be him.  I didn't want it to be, and in a way I was disappointed that he contacted me. Because contact could only mean one thing: they "need" you, and we know that they have nothing to give in return. I went through so many scenarios in my head, with a bit of anxiety, but thankfully not too much.  In the end it wasn't him... .It was some other messed up guy I told to get lost and hadn't seen in months.

Should I simply put these fears of contact with him to rest?   It seems that this part... .his sticking to NC and not recycling is totally out of character for a pwBPD.  I'm not sure what to think. But I want to stop wondering if every vague message from an unknown number might just be him.

[caughtnreleased]

So it's been 7 months NC.  There never was a blow-up, or fight, just us trying to be friends and me telling him I couldn't be the one to be calling him all the time. We recycled once... .without really getting back together. A few months after the recycle, we met, poured our hearts out, and he promised he'd call. And he never did.  I decided I'd leave it at that.  I didn't want to be responsible for his breaking a promise 

But really, I stuck to NC because I knew that I had reached my limit, and putting anything more into it would be more than I could handle, and I'd be resentful, so I stuck to my guns. I made it through the moments of weakness and kept it.  Today I received a text from an unknown number "hey unhooking. Hope your well. c u around this winter hopefully."  ... .I thought it might be him.  I didn't want it to be, and in a way I was disappointed that he contacted me. Because contact could only mean one thing: they "need" you, and we know that they have nothing to give in return. I went through so many scenarios in my head, with a bit of anxiety, but thankfully not too much.  In the end it wasn't him... .It was some other messed up guy I told to get lost and hadn't seen in months.

Should I simply put these fears of contact with him to rest?   It seems that this part... .his sticking to NC and not recycling is totally out of character for a pwBPD.  I'm not sure what to think. But I want to stop wondering if every vague message from an unknown number might just be him.

[hopealways]

Some people take way longer to recycle than others.  The mentality I find best is when you are so at peace with yourself that whether they contact or no contact, you will have so much self love that it will not move you either way.  The reality is that at some point they usually contact.  And if we get totally frazzled when they do, means we still have lots of healing to do.  Maintaining NC allows us to heal better, faster, but at some point you will be such that you just do not care.

[peas]

That is what is so insidious about BPD. We expect these recycles and we wonder if long silence really means the end. I am hanging on, in a waiting pattern, three months NC so far. I am trying to get on with my life and convince myself I will not hear from my ex again. He told me as much when we broke up, that there was no going back. So I have to believe that. I don't know at what point I will let things go. NC has made me so anxious. I don't want to see a year, two years, or more go by and I'm still wondering.

[rags_and_feathers]

I'm in just the opposite boat -- wanting to relax and believe that I really *won't" hear from her again -- breathing a sigh of relief every time I open my email and there is nothing there -- just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If I were you, I'd try to live with the assumption that you will never hear from him again, and then deal with it when/if it actually does happen in the future. 

[caughtnreleased]

Does that happen with BPD? do they get "over" people? It sounds too healthy for pwBPD to be honest.  We kept things relatively civil during the relationship, and I bailed when it got too over the top, but we kept a 'friendship' going.  With a more "normal" person, the relationship would have been normalized and maybe we would still see eachother every so often, or just decide we don't want to hang out and things would fizzle out.  But this is not normal.  He simply vanished after promising to be in touch... .I guess that's why I'm on edge.

[Waifed]

Does that happen with BPD? do they get "over" people? It sounds too healthy for pwBPD to be honest.  We kept things relatively civil during the relationship, and I bailed when it got too over the top, but we kept a 'friendship' going.  With a more "normal" person, the relationship would have been normalized and maybe we would still see eachother every so often, or just decide we don't want to hang out and things would fizzle out.  But this is not normal.  He simply vanished after promising to be in touch... .I guess that's why I'm on edge.

I read on another site (that BPD's post on) the comment that many of them do not ever contact exes because they are ashamed at their behavior during the relationship and they fear the person's response. Others say that they will not contact the ones they truly "loved" because they hurt that person so bad. I think people with the illness are still individuals and each one still have their own personalities. Some will try to contact and others will not. I confronted mine when I left her and I have no doubt she will never contact me again... .and that is kind of why I did it. 

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks waifed. You raise a good point. The last time I saw him I also confronted him about something he was clearly incredibly ashamed of (he double crossed his "best friend" by sleeping with the guy's girlfriend), and I showed him I was hurt.  Perhaps these are two things he just couldn't handle. He pretty much ran away at that point.  Now that I think about it, I probably don't need to worry about him breaking NC.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Should I simply put these fears of contact with him to rest?   It seems that this part... .his sticking to NC and not recycling is totally out of character for a pwBPD.  I'm not sure what to think. But I want to stop wondering if every vague message from an unknown number might just be him.

Well the truth is theres no real way to predict whether or not they will contact you.  Some do some don't, all for various reasons.  Not every pwBPD follows the exact same schema.  WHile the stories are similar they don't all follow the exact same template, which makes BPD so hard to diagnose.

If they don't contact you it has nothing to do with you or your worth as a person or how important or non important you are to them.  Its about their choices and how they fee at that very moment.  it always has been before, and that won't change.  

The best thing for us is when they don't contact us, because they make our healing much easier.

[peas]

The best thing for us is when they don't contact us, because they make our healing much easier.

I am beginning to doubt that. I would like answers. Even if I had contact and I get a bunch of abuse, it would almost feel like validation -- ok, just checking, he's still crazy -- and maybe it would help snap me into reality and I would be less attracted to him. I'm kind of suspended in this illusion that he wasn't all bad and I was so into him. Maybe I just want to be de-sensitized.

But I'm scared at hell to break contact because maybe I'm afraid of whatever answers I'm seeking.

[Ironmanrises]

If you read... .

The majority of the accounts... .

On here... .

You will see... .

A pattern.

There is the cutoff type of BPD... .

That leaves and doesn't reengage.

And then there is the... .

Boomerang type of BPD... .

That re engages again and again.

It isn't scientific... .

I know.

(Don't chop my head off)... .

But the accounts on here... .

Paint that picture.

If you have been re engaged once... .

And that re engagement... .

Led to another round... .

The pwBPD... .

Will try again.

It is up to the non... .

As hard as that is... .

I know... .

To keep that person away.

[ScotisGone74]

I did not really confront mine in the end, at the time I didn't really know what was happening, I hadn't really put it all together.   Stupid me, I didn't know that people like this even existed.    Regardless I blocked my number and email... .its now been a year NC ... .and its probably best that way.  

[Oliolioxenfree]

If you read... .

The majority of the accounts... .

On here... .

You will see... .

A pattern.

There is the cutoff type of BPD... .

That leaves and doesn't reengage.

And then there is the... .

Boomerang type of BPD... .

That re engages again and again.

It isn't scientific... .

I know.

(Don't chop my head off)... .

But the accounts on here... .

Paint that picture.

If you have been re engaged once... .

And that re engagement... .

Led to another round... .

The pwBPD... .

Will try again.

It is up to the non... .

As hard as that is... .

I know... .

To keep that person away.

Don't get me wrong peas, by them not engaging again and having us to find our own closure healing is by no means easy, its just a bit easier than having constant recycle attempts because we are free of their constant meddling in our lives.   Also, why tempt ourselves.  Id rather not and just never hear from them again as sad as that notion may seem.   I think if mine had reengaged me I would not have been able to get the clarity I needed and may have allowed a recycle, which ultimately would've brought me more pain.

[peas]

Don't get me wrong peas, by them not engaging again and having us to find our own closure healing is by no means easy, its just a bit easier than having constant recycle attempts because we are free of their constant meddling in our lives.   Also, why tempt ourselves.  Id rather not and just never hear from them again as sad as that notion may seem.   I think if mine had reengaged me I would not have been able to get the clarity I needed and may have allowed a recycle, which ultimately would've brought me more pain.

I think what I want is to re-engage and once and for all kill this thing rather than continue suffering the abrupt end. I know a recycle would suck me back in and I'd get my hopes up and feelings hurt. Or not. I guess I just want a chance to end this thing on my terms, not his. A chance to know he is on some level still interested in me. He pushed me out and I'm still reeling. I'd like to get to a place where I can push him out, but with mutual NC, I don't get that chance. I guess I want him to come back and say "hi" so I can be the one to say "bye."

[Oliolioxenfree]

Yep,  I've been there Peas.  That's a perfectly natural response.  I never got my day in the sun where I got to tell him off , but I suspect eventually we all do at some point since a lot of them to eventually try to reconnect. 

[caughtnreleased]

Don't get me wrong peas, by them not engaging again and having us to find our own closure healing is by no means easy, its just a bit easier than having constant recycle attempts because we are free of their constant meddling in our lives.   Also, why tempt ourselves.  Id rather not and just never hear from them again as sad as that notion may seem.   I think if mine had reengaged me I would not have been able to get the clarity I needed and may have allowed a recycle, which ultimately would've brought me more pain.

I think what I want is to re-engage and once and for all kill this thing rather than continue suffering the abrupt end. I know a recycle would suck me back in and I'd get my hopes up and feelings hurt. Or not. I guess I just want a chance to end this thing on my terms, not his. A chance to know he is on some level still interested in me. He pushed me out and I'm still reeling. I'd like to get to a place where I can push him out, but with mutual NC, I don't get that chance. I guess I want him to come back and say "hi" so I can be the one to say "bye."

I've also felt that low contact would be better than the abrupt end (which feels like he fell off a cliff) as i would be regularly reminded of why I don't want to be with him.  But then again does regular exposure to 'i've moved on, my life is great since you and I split', or "i've moved on but I love you", or "I've moved moved on and I hate you" make things easier?  This is another reason why I've been able to convince myself to stay away.   

[caughtnreleased]

I did not really confront mine in the end, at the time I didn't really know what was happening, I hadn't really put it all together.   Stupid me, I didn't know that people like this even existed.    Regardless I blocked my number and email... .its now been a year NC ... .and its probably best that way.  

Good job with the blocked number and email.  It takes strength to do it.  While I did confront mine on his bad behaviour, I can't say it gave me satisfaction.  He looked more miserable than anything I have ever seen, I actually felt bad for even bringing it up... .when all I was asking was for him to answer to his (pretty awful) actions.  There is no satisfaction in other people's misery.

[Learning_curve74]

I guess I just want a chance to end this thing on my terms, not his. A chance to know he is on some level still interested in me. He pushed me out and I'm still reeling. I'd like to get to a place where I can push him out, but with mutual NC, I don't get that chance. I guess I want him to come back and say "hi" so I can be the one to say "bye."

Hey peas, I'm not trying to be mean but this sounds like a revenge fantasy to me? Aren't wanting to feel that he is still interested or trying to get a "reversal" and dump him ways of using him to soothe yourself? I'm not saying your feelings are wrong because how you feel is perfectly natural, feelings are not facts and therefore are never true nor false, but you don't need to act in an unhealthy way in response to your feelings do you?

We kept things relatively civil during the relationship, and I bailed when it got too over the top, but we kept a 'friendship' going.  With a more "normal" person, the relationship would have been normalized and maybe we would still see eachother every so often, or just decide we don't want to hang out and things would fizzle out.  But this is not normal.  He simply vanished after promising to be in touch... .I guess that's why I'm on edge.

Hey unhooking, maybe it's time to start living up to your screen name? When somebody else shows you how little they value you through their actions -- and actions matter, words are cheap -- then it's up to you not to sell yourself short and cheaply. You are worth more than that!

As a practical matter, I ignore calls and texts from unrecognized and unknown numbers. If I got a text mentioning me by name like you did, I'd probably reply, "I don't recognize your number, who is this?" Then if it was somebody I didn't want to talk to, I'd blow them off.    I've wasted enough time in my life, and I know that I am never going to earn anymore than what I already have so it's time to spend it wisely! 

Words are cheap, and it may not be any consolation, but I have the feeling you'll be alright. Just hang in there. 

[Ironmanrises]

Should I relax about NC... .?

No.

It is when you release your guard... .

For even a little bit... .

That presents... .

That slight opening for the pwBPD... .

To slip in manipulations... .

That will overwhelm you.

NC is to protect you... .

From that.

My Ironman suit... .

Automatically turns on... .

At all... .

Perceived intrusions.

A byproduct... .

Of enduring... .

2 rounds of... .

Hell on earth.

I cannot afford... .

Another lapse in judgement.

It has cost me enough... .

As is.

[peas]

Hi Learning,

Hey peas, I'm not trying to be mean but this sounds like a revenge fantasy to me? Aren't wanting to feel that he is still interested or trying to get a "reversal" and dump him ways of using him to soothe yourself? I'm not saying your feelings are wrong because how you feel is perfectly natural, feelings are not facts and therefore are never true nor false, but you don't need to act in an unhealthy way in response to your feelings do you?

Not a revenge thought. I didn't express well what I was trying to say. I meant that I want to get to a place where I would be in contact, even as friends, and just let my feelings change to where I don't care about prolonging a relationship with him.

Unhooking described it better:

I've also felt that low contact would be better than the abrupt end (which feels like he fell off a cliff) as i would be regularly reminded of why I don't want to be with him.  But then again does regular exposure to 'i've moved on, my life is great since you and I split', or "i've moved on but I love you", or "I've moved moved on and I hate you" make things easier?  This is another reason why I've been able to convince myself to stay away.  

[Bananas]

Unhooking described it better:

I've also felt that low contact would be better than the abrupt end (which feels like he fell off a cliff) as i would be regularly reminded of why I don't want to be with him.  But then again does regular exposure to 'i've moved on, my life is great since you and I split', or "i've moved on but I love you", or "I've moved moved on and I hate you" make things easier?  This is another reason why I've been able to convince myself to stay away.  

[/quote]
As someone that has LC (I work with my ex) I can tell you it is not better, it is only different.  As Clearmind says, "NC in itself, without inner work does not help you detach."  SO TRUE!

From my experience NC was beneficial when I could have it (on the weekends) sure enough I felt stronger but then when I would see my ex at work BAM! Back to square one.

Then I realized my anxiety came from my expectations of how I thought he should act when we would see each other.  So I am working on having no expectations and guess what, my anxiety over contact is disappearing.

Some things that help:

Reminding myself my ex has some serious cluster B traits and a pattern of unstable relationships and not to expect him to act differently with me. 

Reminding myself that it is unrealistic to expect people, disordered or not, to act like I would in a situation. 

Reminding myself that I am the only person I have control over.

 

[Waifed]

Don't get me wrong peas, by them not engaging again and having us to find our own closure healing is by no means easy, its just a bit easier than having constant recycle attempts because we are free of their constant meddling in our lives.   Also, why tempt ourselves.  Id rather not and just never hear from them again as sad as that notion may seem.   I think if mine had reengaged me I would not have been able to get the clarity I needed and may have allowed a recycle, which ultimately would've brought me more pain.

I think what I want is to re-engage and once and for all kill this thing rather than continue suffering the abrupt end. I know a recycle would suck me back in and I'd get my hopes up and feelings hurt. Or not. I guess I just want a chance to end this thing on my terms, not his. A chance to know he is on some level still interested in me. He pushed me out and I'm still reeling. I'd like to get to a place where I can push him out, but with mutual NC, I don't get that chance. I guess I want him to come back and say "hi" so I can be the one to say "bye."

I've also felt that low contact would be better than the abrupt end (which feels like he fell off a cliff) as i would be regularly reminded of why I don't want to be with him.  But then again does regular exposure to 'i've moved on, my life is great since you and I split', or "i've moved on but I love you", or "I've moved moved on and I hate you" make things easier?  This is another reason why I've been able to convince myself to stay away.   

I went LC for two weeks before NC.  It was one sided where she texted me like clockwork every other day.  It was just small talk and I responded with a yes or no or ok.  She even asked me to contact her more and I said OK but didn't.  It was pointless.  I believe that she thought I was bluffing and/or didn't want me to "forget" about her.  Ultimately you end up with the same result.  Even though I left her it was kind of by default.  The relationship had run its course on both ends.  I had tried for closure the day I ended it but got the same ole thing, a different reason every 5 minutes.  In the end I had even given up on closure during LC.

Basically, you aren't going to receive closure because their isn't any to give. 

[Oliolioxenfree]

I think maybe everyone is different with the NC rule.   For me,  I NEEDED NC because every time we would break up I was still talking to him and was unable to detach and step outside the frame to gain clarity and look within.   This time I did it though.  Do I have anxiety he'll get back in touch? Not really because quite frankly I am over it, have a new boyfriend and think he's an complete delusional a$$clown and someone iD never even hang out with let alone date again.  I must have been smoking crack or something for two years. 

[peas]

I am over it, have a new boyfriend and think he's an complete delusional a$$clown and someone iD never even hang out with let alone date again.  I must have been smoking crack or something for two years.

Please let me get to this place, please let me get to this place... .

[Oliolioxenfree]

You will get there Peas I promise!

Just keep moving.  You just changed paths so the terrain is unfamiliar and uncomfortable, and for the time being you have to navigate it alone... .but do know that down THIS new path someone is there thats going to grab your hand and walk with you and make you forget all about your BPDexa$$clownidiot.  For me thats what happened when I was 85% healed. 

A little annoying terrain right now is wary better than following the BPDex down the path of destruction.

just. keep. moving.

[BlackOrWhite]

I think maybe everyone is different with the NC rule.   For me,  I NEEDED NC because every time we would break up I was still talking to him and was unable to detach and step outside the frame to gain clarity and look within.   This time I did it though.  Do I have anxiety he'll get back in touch? Not really because quite frankly I am over it, have a new boyfriend and think he's an complete delusional a$$clown and someone iD never even hang out with let alone date again.  I must have been smoking crack or something for two years. 

Than why are you even on here?

[peas]

I think maybe everyone is different with the NC rule.   For me,  I NEEDED NC because every time we would break up I was still talking to him and was unable to detach and step outside the frame to gain clarity and look within.   This time I did it though.  Do I have anxiety he'll get back in touch? Not really because quite frankly I am over it, have a new boyfriend and think he's an complete delusional a$$clown and someone iD never even hang out with let alone date again.  I must have been smoking crack or something for two years. 

Than why are you even on here?

Because Olioxen has something to say and we're here to listen.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Learning,

Hey peas, I'm not trying to be mean but this sounds like a revenge fantasy to me? Aren't wanting to feel that he is still interested or trying to get a "reversal" and dump him ways of using him to soothe yourself? I'm not saying your feelings are wrong because how you feel is perfectly natural, feelings are not facts and therefore are never true nor false, but you don't need to act in an unhealthy way in response to your feelings do you?

Not a revenge thought. I didn't express well what I was trying to say. I meant that I want to get to a place where I would be in contact, even as friends, and just let my feelings change to where I don't care about prolonging a relationship with him.

Unhooking described it better:

I've also felt that low contact would be better than the abrupt end (which feels like he fell off a cliff) as i would be regularly reminded of why I don't want to be with him.  But then again does regular exposure to 'i've moved on, my life is great since you and I split', or "i've moved on but I love you", or "I've moved moved on and I hate you" make things easier?  This is another reason why I've been able to convince myself to stay away.  

That definitely sounds healthier -- to be able to reach that point of nonattachment.

I think Bananas has a good idea about getting to the point of having "no expectations". And that is really one of the problems with continued conctact even LC (which is unavoidable for some of us who may have children together or work together). Sometimes our pwBPD will be all lovey dovey, sometimes they'll be hateful, sometimes they'll be silent, whatever it may be, we often feel in turmoil when that does not match up with what we expect.

If we stay in contact expecting them to continually dump bad stuff on us, then when they are randomly nice or saying they love us or apologizing (or vice versa), then that can throw us for a loop because we are not expecting it.

[Oliolioxenfree]

I think maybe everyone is different with the NC rule.   For me,  I NEEDED NC because every time we would break up I was still talking to him and was unable to detach and step outside the frame to gain clarity and look within.   This time I did it though.  Do I have anxiety he'll get back in touch? Not really because quite frankly I am over it, have a new boyfriend and think he's an complete delusional a$$clown and someone iD never even hang out with let alone date again.  I must have been smoking crack or something for two years. 

Than why are you even on here?

BlackorWhite,

Im on here because I think its important for people to share their stories, no matter how far along they are in the healing process.  When I first started on these boards I wasn’t anywhere near where I am now.  I found it really helpful to read accounts of people who had successfully moved forward and followed their suggestions and advise.

No one wants to hear all negative stories about BPD all the time, its nice to know that we can move forward.  So I continue to post sometimes if I have something to add to the conversation that might help someone else who isn’t at the same phase in healing.

Does that answer your question?

[caughtnreleased]

I think maybe everyone is different with the NC rule.   For me,  I NEEDED NC because every time we would break up I was still talking to him and was unable to detach and step outside the frame to gain clarity and look within.   This time I did it though.  Do I have anxiety he'll get back in touch? Not really because quite frankly I am over it, have a new boyfriend and think he's an complete delusional a$$clown and someone iD never even hang out with let alone date again.  I must have been smoking crack or something for two years. 

Than why are you even on here?

BlackorWhite,

Im on here because I think its important for people to share their stories, no matter how far along they are in the healing process.  When I first started on these boards I wasn’t anywhere near where I am now.  I found it really helpful to read accounts of people who had successfully moved forward and followed their suggestions and advise.

No one wants to hear all negative stories about BPD all the time, its nice to know that we can move forward.  So I continue to post sometimes if I have something to add to the conversation that might help someone else who isn’t at the same phase in healing.

Does that answer your question?

And thank you for sharing. It is really helpful to hear from those of you who are out of the FOG 100%.  There is so much talk of moving on and getting better, but it is really uplifting and encouraging to hear from those of you who have reached that point. I think many who post here (and I include myself) do so when we are experiencing low points or moments of weakness, and it definitely helps to get us out of those points.  I think it's important to understand that there is not just pain and suffering, but also the very real possibility of moving forward and out of the black turbulent world of attachment to a borderline onto better lives and relationships!

[Hidalgo]

Hi Peas,

I just wanted to throw out there that I had a ton of "I need to get the last word" fantasies for months. After 5 months of NC, I wrote her and basically told her I resented that she knew she had a problem and didn't discuss it or prepare me for it. It's debatable whether she knows she has BPD, but something was always off and she exhibited many signs. Even admitting that she was "pretty f***ed up." My T is the one who brought up BPD and by researching and reading these boards I believe that it is true.

Anyway, she wrote back that she's very happy and in love. So that didn't feel great. Later she wrote back that it was all my fault the relationship didn't work (which doesn't exactly sound like a happy person). Regardless, ignorance really can be bliss and I certainly realized I didn't need to know what the hell is going on in her life.

I think ultimately what has hurt me most about the whole relationship was a bruised ego. They play on your ego directly. It's up to us to rise above it all. We cannot give them power over us. They do not deserve it.