Seen her for the 1st time.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Bumped into my ex for the 1st time since broke up... .

We were both in a local bar and passed each other going to to toilets.

Was no one else there and made direct eye contact... .her eyes looked like she got a fridght and she looked directly in front of her and said nothing... just focused directly ahead to get out of there...

Not even 1 word spoken. such an unusual experience...   I know she feels guilty for some things, but she also has been very disrespectful through emails after the break up. Does she know how much she hurted me? Months ago she said in a atext message when i contacted her over something, she said it would be sorted, and said she hopes i'm happy and goodbye.

Can't imagine why she could not even say hello.

She then walked past the bar area with some guy as she started to leave.

I felt sad but at same time if this was many months ago I would have been in a mess.

I loved her and all the people around her have no clue of about her... .and it's hard as I started dating her knowing of her issues... as she told me. But that was on her medication, i seen her get more paranoid and angry at things when she stopped after few year of herself on them. So i doubt she has told anyone since.

Strange feeling seeing her

[Johan]

Bumped into my ex for the 1st time since broke up... .

We were both in a local bar and passed each other going to to toilets.

Was no one else there and made direct eye contact... .her eyes looked like she got a fridght and she looked directly in front of her and said nothing... just focused directly ahead to get out of there...

Not even 1 word spoken. such an unusual experience...   I know she feels guilty for some things, but she also has been very disrespectful through emails after the break up. Does she know how much she hurted me? Months ago she said in a atext message when i contacted her over something, she said it would be sorted, and said she hopes i'm happy and goodbye.

Can't imagine why she could not even say hello.

She then walked past the bar area with some guy as she started to leave.

I felt sad but at same time if this was many months ago I would have been in a mess.

I loved her and all the people around her have no clue of about her... .and it's hard as I started dating her knowing of her issues... as she told me. But that was on her medication, i seen her get more paranoid and angry at things when she stopped after few year of herself on them. So i doubt she has told anyone since.

Strange feeling seeing her

[fiddlestix]

It is still very hard to see my ex BPD wife.  I choose No Contact.  But I occasionally see her car out about town, and it upsets me.  I think a face-to-face run in would really upset me.  I know I still feel hurt, resentful, angry... .for all the adultery, betrayal, lies, ... .  I have no idea how she feels.  Does she miss me?  Is she feeling guilty? Angry?  Why would she be angry?

She has moved in with a new guy and is probably honeymooning.  She has said she still wants to be my friend... .in fact, she said I am her best friend.  So, I don't think a face-to-face would affect her as it would me.  She must be living in a surreal dream world of escape and denial if she thinks we can simply be "friends" after all that has happened.  This sounds mean, but I really hope to never see her again.

Fiddle

[Johan]

I thought I was ok with seeing her,  but today I keep thinking about her and the good times and miss her and don't know why.

I went through so much pain because of her, but I can't stop thinking today. 

[Learning_curve74]

I thought I was ok with seeing her,  but today I keep thinking about her and the good times and miss her and don't know why.

I went through so much pain because of her, but I can't stop thinking today. 

It's okay to miss her Johan. 

We can't necessarily help our feelings, otherwise we probably would never choose to feel like missing our exes. And our feelings aren't wrong because they are simply feelings, unlike facts which can be true or false.

Did you say anything to her as you passed? Maybe just a "hi" to be polite? I would've felt awkward in your situation because I haven't seen my ex since the breakup either. And I think it is natural to feel wistful after seeing an old flame whether they had BPD or not.

How long ago was the break up? What kinds of things have you been doing for yourself? Have you felt like your "old self" from before your relationship with her?

[Johan]

It is over 10months... I had no time to even say hello. I think i was in shock also. But seeing her eyes look directly forward I seen she wasn't comfortable in running into me.

I've seen her look when she was scared before... .it's the exact same look I seen at the weekend.

I've started doing things but also had big set back with University last week, and now seeing her I'm an emotional wreck today. I will never forget what i went through the 1st months post breakup... .i do feel my self is back more or less but this has shook me, this has triggered some memories...

It's why I came back onto this site to post... .not sure how i feel, just sad for her and for me. I seen her frightened look when she seen me, and i think i'm just a trigger now as she confided in me and i seen her true self... no one else has been confided in. I just feel so much love for her, because she did open up to me... .and has not ever with anyone else and I'm scared she bottling it up... ruminating again since seeing her. Finding it hard not too.

[Ironmanrises]

It is over 10months... I had no time to even say hello. I think i was in shock also. But seeing her eyes look directly forward I seen she wasn't comfortable in running into me.

I've seen her look when she was scared before... .it's the exact same look I seen at the weekend.

I've started doing things but also had big set back with University last week, and now seeing her I'm an emotional wreck today. I will never forget what i went through the 1st months post breakup... .i do feel my self is back more or less but this has shook me, this has triggered some memories...

It's why I came back onto this site to post... .not sure how i feel, just sad for her and for me. I seen her frightened look when she seen me, and i think i'm just a trigger now as she confided in me and i seen her true self... no one else has been confided in. I just feel so much love for her, because she did open up to me... .and has not ever with anyone else and I'm scared she bottling it up... ruminating again since seeing her. Finding it hard not too.

In bold.

I know that look... .

That you reference.

God awful.

Almost like... .

They see you... .

As the villain.

And feelings = facts... .

Turns into... .

You must be the villain... .

In their eyes.

A sad... .

And unfortunate... .

Component... .

To the tragedy... .

That is... .

Falling in love... .

With a pwBPD.

I can never forget... .

When my exUBPDgf... .

Looked at me like that... .

The final few days... .

I was with her... .

Before the second discard.

I never felt... .

So low... .

In my life.

Because you end up... .

Literally... .

Feeling that... .

That shameful... .

That hateful... .

Feeling... .

That they have inside them... .

As your own.

I certainly did... .

I still do.

It has corrupted many... .

Of my internal systems... .

As a direct consequence.

Hang in there.

[peas]

Johan, look at the bright side: seeing her for the first time since the breakup is now out of the way. You experienced the pain and now maybe you can continue healing. I'd be upset too if I ran into my ex. I wish I could just see him and be done with it.

[Learning_curve74]

I've started doing things but also had big set back with University last week, and now seeing her I'm an emotional wreck today. I will never forget what i went through the 1st months post breakup... .i do feel my self is back more or less but this has shook me, this has triggered some memories...

It's why I came back onto this site to post... .not sure how i feel, just sad for her and for me. I seen her frightened look when she seen me, and i think i'm just a trigger now as she confided in me and i seen her true self... no one else has been confided in. I just feel so much love for her, because she did open up to me... .and has not ever with anyone else and I'm scared she bottling it up... ruminating again since seeing her. Finding it hard not too.

Your emotional reaction sounds perfectly normal to me, Johan. We all feel something special between us and anybody we fall in love with, otherwise we wouldn't have fallen in love, right?

And you said it's been ten months since the breakup, so it might seem a while ago but in the big scheme of things where most lives are measured in decades, it was relatively recent. And I don't know about you, but there was so much drama, hopes, trauma, and dreams in my case that it's not easy to be nonattached to her.

But here is the other thing... .She's gotten along fine without you the last ten months. She's not in prison or the psychiatric ward, she's out having drinks just like you. You are not responsible for her well being, she is a survivor. From what you've said, so are you. So keep on being you. Feel bad, ruminate some, just don't act in a way that is against your own best interests. Weirdly enough, looking out for your own best interests in this manner is also probably in her best interests too.

One question... .were you having a good time at the bar up until the point you saw her? Realize she might have there the whole time and it only made a difference to you after you saw her. She doesn't have any magic power over you, right?

Best wishes to you, Johan.  

[Johan]

I woke up after a nightmare early this morning... .it was one about me being attacked and my own mother not helping me and saying do it by yourself... .my own mother is a great woman and loved me very much as a child.

I think it's because I was thinking how much I hate my ex mother for what she has created... .and then nightmare happened.

When I woke up I couldn't sleep, and cried... .

Just terrifies me that my ex can have a scared and angry look after seeing me. And i really no idea.

Upsetting me greatly.