trying to engage me in her anger

[coffees86]

ExBPDGf can be so angry at times. I even notice when she is texting me she wants me to engage, just to get relieved.

I want to listen and am detached enough to be able.

How to respond when she texts she wants to get rid of everybody, especially herself?

Normally I just tell her: I understand you feel this way, since this or that happened. I would probably feel a lot of anger as well when I'd be in your shoes.

Sometimes this relieves the anger and she just starts about something else. Sometimes she stays just as mad. I cannot tell her the same thing over and over again.

I know she does this to also push me away, to break me, so to feel a bit better, but in the end will be running back. Messed up, but I will not let myself be engaged. Now feeling it might be better to say nothing... .

How would you react.

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[Chosen]

There's just so much of circular conversations one person can take.  Sometimes they keep repeating themselves to break you down, sometimes they're basically just speaking out whatever is in their minds.

I agree that you can't say the same thing forever.  Sometimes you will know that it doesn't help.  Other times they seem to wind down with the validation you give them.  My guess is that when you know the conversation isn't going anywhere, you leave them to it.  What I usually do is to give shorter and shorter answers (unless the pwBPD starts insulting me, then I will just stop responding), and they may get bored or start saying you don't care about them.  Don't get dragged into explaining yourself, just tell them for a final time you care and you understand they feel bad.  Then find something else to do and leave them to it for a little bit. 

They want your to solve their problems, but at the end of the day they need to be willing to let go of their negative emotions, or learn to livg with those thoughts before they can calm down.

[waverider]

Normally I just tell her: I understand you feel this way, since this or that happened. I would probably feel a lot of anger as well when I'd be in your shoes.

You don't and you wouldn't.

"I understand you feel this way, since this or that happened"

What you are saying here is that you think it is understandable, and justified... but it isn't

"I would probably feel a lot of anger as well when I'd be in your shoes"

Again justifying her behavior, and you are not being truthful as you would not react that way, and she knows you are being false.

change it to:

"I imagine it must be terrible to feel that way, I would hate to feel as bad as that. Luckily I don't get affected that way, is there anything I can do to stop it bothering you so much?"

[nodoover]

My BPDh just raged because doesn't like new update on iPhone and he isn't techie and accidentally erased all his messages.

Before it got bad I tried to calmly explain it to him, I tell you they are like children. He got angrier and angrier and went into rage so I left the room without speaking and went upstairs.

But I get the engage me part, he kept saying aren't you on my side, then your never on my side, which of course is not true, wanting me to say I fully agree that the new update is horrible.  There are parts I don't like about it so I said yeah some stuff I don't like, but he is like you are NOT on my side!  Sometimes I feel like if I don't agree exactly with what he is thinking something inside him is jammed up... .

Part of me gets angry myself like, why do I have to pretend to agree with everything you say? He said my 85 yr old mom will never be able to figure it out, I didn't say then why was she able to send me a bunch of messages on her iPhone?  So many things you have to bite your tongue about!

[nodoover]

I just reread what you said wave rider and I wish I could think fast enough to say when he is raging what you said, but I have a hard time with anger and I go into a do anything to stop rage mode when it starts.

I know that sounds codependent but I can't stand the raging... .

[Knowingishalf]

Waverider that is an amazing response I think you are stronger than me, I couldn't ever see it that way.  My attempts to calm the instant rages always came out like the initial responses, and I guess I wasn't strong enough to respond like that.  Nodoover I think this was the breaker for me, I got angrier every time I tried to pretend that their response was ok like I was taking care of a 3 year old.

[waverider]

One of the hardest things to get your head around is the statement "I understand'... Think about it, they are telling you you don't, you can't you are not in their mind. By saying you understand you are saying they are wrong you do. They have BPD you don't. So it is a fact you do not feel what they feel, never have, and never will.

To them you are not listening when they tell you can't understand, and your response seems dismissive and patronizing. Even though it is not mean't to be.

You can only try to imagine that it is hard to feel that way, you can't understand what they feel. Your feelings are in a different "language", you can see they hurt but you can't experience it.

[Chosen]

I usually tell my pwBPD that "I understand how you may feel that way".  Or "Yeah, that makes sense".  Basically, that doesn't necessarily mean I agree with what he thinks nor does it mean that I know exactly how he's feeling, but just validating that I can see how something may affect his emotions in a certain way.

nodover: I used to "calmly explain" things to him when he gets mad over something.  But to them, this means you're not on their side because you didn't validate their frustation.  It just means "you're frustrated because you don't know how to use it... .I will teach you and then you won't be frustrated".  What I think if that you can first validate his frustration, then after he has calmed down you can teach him whatever when he is in a more receptive state of mind.

[waverider]

I just reread what you said wave rider and I wish I could think fast enough to say when he is raging what you said, but I have a hard time with anger and I go into a do anything to stop rage mode when it starts.

I know that sounds codependent but I can't stand the raging... .

It is hard to think fast in the moment. Thats why i drop the habit of using the word "understand" as it is too easy to misuse, or be misunderstood.  If you make statements like the following part your instinctive speak it helps"I can only imagine" & "I can see it is affecting you", you are less likely to slip up.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and you wont always get it right, I know I dont, but at least if some of it rubs off you will be in a better place. So don't be too harsh on yourself if knee jerk gets the best of you at times.

Oh try avoiding the word "but" it tends to void anything that comes before it.