Sometimes I Think I Am A Bad Person

[Depression = 72% of members]

I see her now... .she is helping more with the kids in the mornings. I think I am a jerk for throwing out this BPD thing. I've told all of my friends and educated a few of them on it. Like I'm bad-mouthing... .but she will never come back, so severing those ties doesn't mean anything.

She is nice and polite to me, other than a few minor demands. How can I think what I think? Come here and write what I write? Yet I know she is done with me. No effort whatsoever to fix things. She has moved on... .either to someone else, or preparing to go into hermit mode (and then someone else), which is her pattern.

Yet she asked me after we take the kids out for candy on Halloween if she can go out to a party. I will stay home with the kids. Not even asking if I had anything planned (she knows I don't, but still... .)

No, she is the same person. Nice now, but at the core, hurt, lost and medicating. Knowing this, I feel less bad about myself.

[Turkish]

I see her now... .she is helping more with the kids in the mornings. I think I am a jerk for throwing out this BPD thing. I've told all of my friends and educated a few of them on it. Like I'm bad-mouthing... .but she will never come back, so severing those ties doesn't mean anything.

She is nice and polite to me, other than a few minor demands. How can I think what I think? Come here and write what I write? Yet I know she is done with me. No effort whatsoever to fix things. She has moved on... .either to someone else, or preparing to go into hermit mode (and then someone else), which is her pattern.

Yet she asked me after we take the kids out for candy on Halloween if she can go out to a party. I will stay home with the kids. Not even asking if I had anything planned (she knows I don't, but still... .)

No, she is the same person. Nice now, but at the core, hurt, lost and medicating. Knowing this, I feel less bad about myself.

[Ironmanrises]

She is the same person... .

The paradox of hell.

Of dealing with the disorder.

Hang in there Turkish.

[EdR]

Only judging by the two posts I've read from you, I can tell you ARE most definitely NOT a bad person.

I do understand where the feeling is coming from though... .it's way too hard :-(

[musicfan42]

Only judging by the two posts I've read from you, I can tell you ARE most definitely NOT a bad person.

Agree.

I noticed that my BPD ex was only nice to me when he wanted something from me. He was nice to me in the initial stages of the relationship because he wanted me to babysit him essentially... enable all his behavior... be a maternal figure to him. Once I made it clear that I wasn't prepared to do this, he quickly became very nasty with me. That's not something a good person would do... he was just self-serving... manipulative... using me for his own purposes. If he had been a good person then he would have treated me well ALL the time... not just when it suited him.

You know the truth Turkish... you know that you've done nothing wrong. I understand why you're feeling like that though-it's definitely confusing.

[froggy]

I know what your feeling.

Right now things aren't too bad... just the usual grumpiness. .little tantrums. .life as usual. ... then the guilt kicks in... .how can I think of leaving... .it's like all the past abuse disapears in the fog... .it's not so bad... .now I know how 33 years have gone by.

But there is ALWAYS that fear... the uneasiness that lingers around in the fog that it's coming... it's around the corner. ... the big blow up... the screaming and name calling the punching of walls.

Can't even enjoy the calmer times.

Turkish... .she hasn't changed... it's just a calm before the next storm.

[GreenMango]

Turkish did you ever have to hide things or have the "we don't talk about what happens at home" mantra with your family when you were young?

[Waifed]

Turkish

It is obvious from reading your posts that you are a very good person. You gave this woman the best years of her life yet she is unable to remember it. It is now your turn to be happy and to take care of yourself and your children. You should have no regrets.  How could you.  You have cared for a person for several years who has given very little back. She is mentally ill. Don't allow her to continue filling your mind with self doubt. Love yourself first!

[Turkish]

Turkish

It is obvious from reading your posts that you are a very good person. You gave this woman the best years of her life yet she is unable to remember it. It is now your turn to be happy and to take care of yourself and your children. You should have no regrets.  How could you.  You have cared for a person for several years who has given very little back. She is mentally ill. Don't allow her to continue filling your mind with self doubt. Love yourself first!

The problem is that she, being high functioning, DOES remember it! Like what I found the other day written on the computer for me to probably find... .thanking me for loving her, being sorry that she was the cause of my unhappiness and all of that, sorry that she couldn't be better, etc... .But as Lady31 pointed out in another thread, this is what she feels at the moment. She will feel something else later. Then the push-pull/devaluation will start again. She can't help it.

[Waifed]

Turkish

It is obvious from reading your posts that you are a very good person. You gave this woman the best years of her life yet she is unable to remember it. It is now your turn to be happy and to take care of yourself and your children. You should have no regrets.  How could you.  You have cared for a person for several years who has given very little back. She is mentally ill. Don't allow her to continue filling your mind with self doubt. Love yourself first!

The problem is that she, being high functioning, DOES remember it! Like what I found the other day written on the computer for me to probably find... .thanking me for loving her, being sorry that she was the cause of my unhappiness and all of that, sorry that she couldn't be better, etc... .But as Lady31 pointed out in another thread, this is what she feels at the moment. She will feel something else later. Then the push-pull/devaluation will start again. She can't help it.

That is painful. I'm sorry you are struggling so much. Logically you are aware that the eventual outcome of your marriage doesn't look good but emotions are a powerful persuader.

[ThanksForPlaying]

It hurts so much.  Sometimes I think maybe this is normal and we're just upset over breakups.  But I can tell you I've had "normal" breakups that were hard, but we parted ways with mutual love and respect, and even carry on healthy friendships in some cases.  This BPD stuff is not normal, and it will continue to happen to them.

[loz1982]

I agree Turkish I believe my ex BPD was high functioning and he did seem to remember and say things like I shouldn't have taken you for granted I'm the problem I'll get help and I would feel so sad and start to soften doubt my decision and then a week later it seems he has completely forgot what he said and blame myself or my family again. I often wondered which moments were real, the good ones or the bad ones and reading on here seems like both were. It's like dating two different people!