I realize that the overriding emotion I feel for my BPD ex is embarrassment. I mentioned that I call him "a little brat" in another thread. I was in the supermarket the other day and saw this mother with two children. She was trying to get her shopping done but the kids were hassling her. I thought that one of the kids was going to kick off/throw a temper tantrum but then the mother said "stop" in a really stern tone. At that moment, I felt a wave of compassion for the mother. I could relate to her. Even though I'm not a mother. I thought "should she not be able to do her grocery shopping without having these kids pull out of her the whole time and get in her way?" She needed some form of childcare... .someone to help her out. She was just on her own with these brats of children and I honestly felt sorry for her. I wondered what the father of the children was doing... where he was... .if he was looking after the children or whether it was all left to her.
But anyways... (got slightly side-tracked there). I felt like that mother... that my BPD ex was like that child... embarrassing me when I was trying to get stuff done... live my life! I felt that he was this huge burden/responsibility that I never asked for... this overgrown child. I'm pretty sure that he cheated on me but I don't care. I think "good riddance" really because I just feel so embarrassed that I ever dated him in the first place. I'm honestly like "what was I thinking?" I don't even feel angry with him anymore-I just feel that I made a huge lapse in judgment and lowered my standards way too much by dating him in the first place. He is physically attractive so maybe that's what attracted me? Maybe some of it was just me being shallow... I don't know. But honestly, he was such a fool... .bumbling around, making a mess of his life... just a total disaster! I don't even care if he has BPD or not... I just see him as a disaster... a walking talking disaster... and I actually felt sorry for his previous romantic partners having to deal with his sh1t. That's when I knew I had to break up with him... like I wasn't even taking his side.
. He told me a bit about one previous romantic partner who seemed to be totally normal and I felt so sorry for her! like oh my god! I thought "you poor thing... at least I wasn't with him for very long but you were stuck with him". urgh.
I feel like I have a certain reputation to uphold... that I want to be seen as classy basically and he's just... not. Raging is hardly an endearing quality in anyone... especially over a pile of crap... just nonsense. And then he was so clingy... no life or identity of his own... hardly attractive is it. I think that he just repulses me... every time I think of him I don't even feel sad or anything like that but just pure and utter disgust... that embarrassment... that "what was I thinking?" I've definitely forgiven myself for making a mistake by dating him in the first place.
