Why won't he let me give him his stuff back?

[Littleopener]

So I am painted black. I have been for a long time. I haven't seen him for sixth months even though I tried to be there for him countless times. (LDR- I keep going down to his town to visit mutual friends and ask if he wants to meet up. He always has an excuse not to).

Anyways, I have a bunch of his stuff that I would like to give back to him if this is it, if he doesn't ever want to see me again. But he won't let me give it back to him. I asked him to meet me just for five minutes if possible but no he "has no time" for me. Then he said he may be able to but didn't reply to any of my attempts at suggesting a time or place.

Then I asked for his new address so I could post it to him. He won't give it to me.

It's like he's actively avoiding me giving his own stuff back to him. Why? It's his! I don't want to be reminded of how much I love him and how much he hates me every time I look at it. I don't know what to do.

[PrettyPlease]

So I am painted black.

[snip]

It's like he's actively avoiding me giving his own stuff back to him. Why? It's his! I don't want to be reminded of how much I love him and how much he hates me every time I look at it. I don't know what to do.

Hi Littleopener,

This sounds very frustrating. Unfortunately, eventually, relating to a BPD almost always (always) ends up frustrating. But there are things you can do to reduce it, and perhaps make it go away completely (the frustration).

I read through your other posts to get some idea of the background. It appears to me that he might be having the same reaction to the stuff that you are. In other words, he doesn't want to be reminded of something, some emotion, by contacting you in any way. That's a common thing to happen in BPD splitting.

The difference between how it's happening to you and how it's happening to him is that yours has a logical and rational cause, his doesn't. His is happening because his BPD triggers his negative emotions too fast, too often. He's been like this all his life and it probably scares the sh-t out of him, and so he avoids it. So if I'm right, then in a sense you're both in the same quandary over the stuff -- although the causes are different. But the end emotional result is the same.

So that might answer your 'why' question for him. It's because he has BPD, which is a mental disorder, and causes his emotions to flare too strongly and apparently irrationally. And causes Splitting (painting black) as well, which you already know about.

All I can suggest is that you do some more reading, and thinking, and breathing, and start getting comfortable with the fact that he's like this and probably will be forever.

That might help you decide whether to move on to the Leaving Board or the Staying Board -- although I'm having a hard time imagining you on the Staying board, considering how clear he is that it's over.

About the stuff itself... .I understand that having it is making it harder for you to move on. Could you store it at a friend's place, and then if he ever asks for it he can get it from there?  Or, if it's not worth too much, give it to the Salvation Army?  It sounds funny, but seriously, he doesn't seem to want it, and you don't want it. Maybe somebody there can use it.   

PP   

[peas]

Can you throw out his stuff? Just chuck it and be done? You've given him chances to retrieve it. 

Or maybe arrange to drop it off somewhere at a certain time and if he wants it he can get it. Like at a McDonald's parking lot or something.

[Aussie0zborn]

It might be best to get rid of this stuff ie : get it out of your possession. It could be used as an excuse for a recycle attempt. You could let him know you will be putting it out on the street at a particular time and date and he can swing by to collect it or run the risk of losing it.

[Littleopener]

I asked him one last time for his address and he said "I'm happy to wait until I next see you to get it back". What? But he won't see me- that's the problem. Every time I try to meet up with him he has an excuse or just doesn't have the time for me.

What does he mean?

[HopefulDad]

As far as the stuff goes, I think it's best to take charge of the situation and avoid possible manipulation by him.  Say something like:

"This is my place and I do not want your things here.  You have until two Saturdays from now to pick up your things.  If they are still here by then, you have abandoned them and they are now mine, at which time they will be thrown out or donated."

Set a boundary on this passive aggressive behavior.  Or else it will continue.

[Waddams]

Different jurisdictions usually have their own abandoned property laws.  Might be useful to look them up where you live.

Having not seen him for 6 months, and having notified him several times already to get his stuff, you can probably just throw it away as soon as you like at this point.  Or donate it to a charity, sell the stuff if there's any value, etc.

He's using this as a way to keep you engaged.  He might not have any intention of recycling the relationship, but he's likely enjoying the contact/texting/etc. and getting a kick out of blowing you off.  You have no obligation to him at all.  Feel free to just get rid of the stuff and move on.

[MammaMia]

I totally agree with Waddams.  He is using his "stuff" to stay linked to you.

You should not have to pay to put his things in storage.

Perhaps if you tell him, as has been suggested, that you will put it somewhere neutral so he can retrieve it if he wants it... .and you will be done with it AND him. 

If he refuses to pick it up, I would donate it to Goodwill or the Salvation Army and let him know in advance that you will do this.  These organizations will pick things up for free.  There are always others in need.

Above all, be careful about letting him wiggle his way back into your life.  He may try.