Stop Walking on Eggshells... yet I continue to do that

[HopefulDad]

One of the concepts I'm struggling with is this whole "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by setting boundaries, validating feelings while not validating the pwBPD's version of the facts, etc. yet we *continue* to walk on the biggest eggshell of all... .that the pwBPD is mentally ill and we *hide this* from them.

I'm getting to the "so what?" stage of contemplating if my BPDw knows about her diagnosis.  I'm sure there could be backlash.  Big whoop de do!  Now that I'm putting boundaries in place to protect me from further abuse, it's not like she could make things worse by knowing even if she denies it vehemently.

Instead of dancing around the diagnosis, I'm thinking a combination of validation plus straight talk couldn't be worse than the other approaches.  Something like:

"I understand that you feel that way about me right now, but you are right now struggling to regulate your emotions.  Your conclusions, your judgments and your behavior indicate that.  I want to help you right now, but not at the expense of validating your runaway thoughts.  Would you like to talk to our therapist to help you through this if I cannot?"

BTW, I'm fully aware I'm ignorant on the entirety of the contents of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and am sure I'm overlooking some key components.  However, most of what I've read here is definitely in the "dance around the topic they are mentally ill with them" mindset.  I'm doubting this is ultimately beneficial.

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"I understand that you feel that way about me right now, but you are right now struggling to regulate your emotions.  Your conclusions, your judgments and your behavior indicate that.  I want to help you right now, but not at the expense of validating your runaway thoughts.  Would you like to talk to our therapist to help you through this if I cannot?"

Is your goal to get her into therapy and working on herself?

Watching this video will really help. Xavier Amador, PhD. does a great job of breaking down what does and doesn't work and why.   My condensed version is, people don't seek psychological change until they are highly motivated to address a problem in their life. With this thought, a goal becomes encouraging her to get help for something  she has a problem with.  You may be what she sees as a problem and so marriage counseling might be the entry.  Be careful though, you will need a  more qualified therapist than the local community counselor.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99381.0

I'm getting to the "so what?" stage of contemplating if my BPDw knows about her diagnosis.  I'm sure there could be backlash.  Big whoop de do!  Now that I'm putting boundaries in place to protect me from further abuse, it's not like she could make things worse by knowing even if she denies it vehemently.

If we want our partner to change their hairstyle,  would we tell him/her that he/she is ugly.  If we wanted them to lose weight would we say "you're fat".  Well, "you're mentally ill" is far more personal and controlling than either of these two statements.

You can test this theory... .try the hairstyle example.  

If we're serious, think motivation, encouragement, and support... .and not "doormat".  All of these can be accomplished together.

[HopefulDad]

Your points are well-taken, but there's still the whole walking on eggshells aspect.  Perhaps its best for those who suffer anosognosia and will never accept a BPD diagnosis, but it just seems ironic.  As for my personal situation, I don't want to push my BPDw into therapy, but I have been pointing out her behaviors as very out of bounds.  As has our CBT therapist (who also specializes in DBT).  As have our family members who have witnessed such behaviors.  Having multiple sources point to her behavior (not her feelings or thoughts... .concrete behaviors) as unacceptable has started her questioning herself on why she behaves like that... .

"Why did I scream 'You are an ___hole!' to my husband in front of our kids, no less?"

"Why did I follow my husband and kids to the park, berating him the whole time in public while he was on his cell with his mother?"

"Why did I continuously scream at my husband while he was on the phone with my mother, and again in front of the kids?"

At least she realizes it's not just me calling out her behavior.  Maybe that only works for behaviors specifically.

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Your points are well-taken, but there's still the whole walking on eggshells aspect.

Is your question, "should I bundle all these dysfunctional acts under the umbrella of BPD for her and will that be more effective than just setting boundaries on individual bad behaviors."

It will be interesting to read comments on this.  Everything I know about relationships, BPD and not, warns against generalizing across events and times.  With BPD specifically, most experts encourage behavioral actions over intellectual.  Better to say, in a time of calm, "we agree that if you scream at me in front of the kids its not good, so how about next time, I just take them out for the evening when that happens".  

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As an aside, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" refers taking going from a world were inexplicable things are happening in your relationship, to understanding BPD and its patterns.  Being supportive, compassionate, or empathetic might feel like "walking on eggshells" but its really just healthy communication.

[HopefulDad]

I guess it depends on the pwBPD and what behaviors they exhibit, but at some point you kind of have a "body of evidence" that only the most oblivious person could ignore.  For example, putting aside my BPDw's irrational judgments and conclusions about me and just focusing on her behavior, she has behaved wildly inappropriately towards me multiple times and often repeatedly.  And even in public.  At that point, I went to my wife and said "That you do all these abusive behaviors and do them over and over points to a problem.  You need help for this."  And she agreed.

Now of course I didn't say she has BPD, call her mentally ill, or invalidate any thoughts or beliefs she has about me, but I made it clear that something needs to be done because of her behavior which really isn't arguable.  Telling your spouse to eff off at the top of your lungs in front of the kids isn't defendable.  Throwing your spouse's clothes onto the garage floor while he's a work in a fit of rage isn't defendable.  Do things like this enough times and suddenly, "Yeah, I need to work on my temper, but YOU drove me to this blah blah blah" doesn't cut it.  Even my wife got that.

So while I'm still dancing around the whole BPD issue myself with my BPDw, at least I'm able to get her to seek help for her behavior.  If that's a gateway to getting her to dig deeper, great.

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So while I'm still dancing around the whole BPD issue myself with my BPDw, at least I'm able to get her to seek help for her behavior.  If that's a gateway to getting her to dig deeper, great.

How good is the therapist?  Did she bond with him?  This is the hard part,

[HopefulDad]

She has a love/hate relationship with the therapist.  He's a CBT/DBT and figured out early what's going on.  A lot of the tools he has given her she has appreciated and tried to put into action, but she has obviously struggled.  So of course she blames him because "he's too focused on behavior and not the feelings that go with it".  So now she's seeking another therapist, but at least she has one more appointment with him.

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So of course she blames him because "he's too focused on behavior and not the feelings that go with it".  So now she's seeking another therapist, but at least she has one more appointment with him.

Common complaint.  This, I believe, is why concurrent schema is recommended in th later stages of DBT.

It would be best to keep them both in play if you can.

[HopefulDad]

We'll see.  I don't want to force any issue, but I do have some leverage in our current situation: I've asked for a controlled separation which she is reluctantly going along with (since I'm not caving on this, her other option is to shout at me non-stop and she knows that will get her nowhere).  Since she wants to reconcile (hello: fear of abandonment), suddenly she's very open to any suggestions I have.  I may insist on continued CBT/DBT while she concurrently sees another therapist.  I feel dirty making such a demand, but at the same time I'm not dealing with a rational person, either, and such help I think is the best for her.