2 years and still trying

[beguya]

2 years and still MOSTLY moved on.  I still have those nagging what ifs and the little tricks your mind pulls on you and only lets you see the good times, enter logic please!  So I often fanaticize that she sought help and somehow we would reconnect.  Well... .I finally reached out after 2 years.  She is still playing the complete victim because I broke up with her and broke her heart... .but no indication that she has actually thought about why. She did say she got some cognitive therapy, but mostly to get over me dumping her.  I tried logic in vain just like other times and she does not seem to be able to see where her part came into the departure.  I guess it's that same ole defense mechanism, "it's everyone else not me"

[Surnia]

  beguya

Hearing from her again and that nothing changed - how is this for you? For your dreams?

[beguya]

It crushed my fantasies.  Brought some cold reality back to me.  My mind had hopes that she wouldn't just play the victim and own her part.  Even if she threw me a bone I might have given me hope, and I am not sure what her cognitive therapy did for her.  I started pushing some buttons to get hopeful responses and all I got in return was responses from a victim of rationship torn from her unjustly.

[beguya]

Did you have a similar experience?

[Learning_curve74]

Hi beguya, so you're saying that you'd like to reconnect if she was a totally different person now? Or do you only need for her to say "I was wrong, beguya"?

[beguya]

Yes, I would like to re-connect.  They emotional side of me struggles with the logical.  Me getting back with her would be conte gent on setting plans to not get sucked into the same scenario, and the predecessor to that would be that she acknowledge the part she had in precipitating the breakup. 

Right her only focus is the effect, not the cause.  And I think it all stems to her defense mechanism

[BlackOrWhite]

Umm maybe it did hurt her. BPD's don't like being left. Duh. I'm not sure why you say it's all her fault. You had your part in it too.

If you left her, than you left her. Regardless of what she did she can't make you do anything and you chose to leave. Don't blame her for making you leave. People can't make you do things. But unaccoutable people like to think so. She has gotton therapy. Good for her. I notice alot of people on this site want their ex's to fail so they can keep using excuses relationships don't work cause it's always the other person never them.


Avoiding self work. That isn't going to help you heal. Seems like you and many others though don't actually care tho. Just want to " win " something. Like a relationship is a contest. 

[beguya]

WOW, not really sure where that came from.  You sound a lot like her.  I think you totally missed my point.  

I actually want her to be better no matter what, whether she is back in my life or not.  But if she would even accept me back into her life, my needs would require setting a plan to not get sucked back into the same vortex that so many of us experience.  The recycling.

Wow, i don't think i ever said it was all her fault.  I did my best in our conversation to acknowledge my part of a messy departure.  I am never intending to win something, if not being able to be with her the least thing I would want is closure.

I could actually care less if I am right or wrong.  In fact I would gladly accept that I was wrong about something that I should have done and be able to move on.  I have been there; the woulda, coulda, shoulda.  I now know that there is nothing that I could have done.

Yes it was a messy horrible breakup and I am accused of breaking her heart.  Hearts always get broken in a breakup, including mine.  

But the realization I was left with before my departure was this:

1. you can ask someone to change or politely suggest help, but if they do you will never know that it was just to make you happy or really for themselves.  the only way it works like with anything is if THEY want to do it.

2. Once you have this knowledge of the problems they are experiencing, you have this moment where you say Eureka!  Now I can tell her and she can get help and we can move on.  But my experience when I lightly skirted around the issue of there being an issue was total defense and denial.

And I never blamed my leaving on her.  It was a requirement for my sanity, as things had not changed or even a glimmer of hope or change was appearant for years during the relationship, so it was a necessity for me.  I think it was a destructive relationship for her too as my recent communication with seems like she has done some healing in her life, and im not just talking about the wounds from the departure.

You tone is freaking me out.

[necchi]

I feel You Brother !

[goldylamont]

Umm maybe it did hurt her. BPD's don't like being left. Duh. I'm not sure why you say it's all her fault. You had your part in it too.

If you left her, than you left her. Regardless of what she did she can't make you do anything and you chose to leave. Don't blame her for making you leave. People can't make you do things. But unaccoutable people like to think so. She has gotton therapy. Good for her. I notice alot of people on this site want their ex's to fail so they can keep using excuses relationships don't work cause it's always the other person never them.


Avoiding self work. That isn't going to help you heal. Seems like you and many others though don't actually care tho. Just want to " win " something. Like a relationship is a contest. 

i think it's different for everyone BlackOrWhite. it is true that in any r/s that both people play a part, but only to some degree. it sounds like you feel like you played a significant role in the issues, and this is good and gives you something to work on personally.

i've had several long term r/s and one of them was after my r/s with BPDx. and in all of them i see things about myself that need work. however none of these things were the cause of me leaving my ex. i left her b/c i felt i had no choice. i left her b/c she has a mental illness that she refuses to treat, and i didn't want to be around when/if she started cheating--(this would have been my boundary).

so i'm thankful i nipped things in the bud before it got worse. after lots of soul searching, meditation and rumination, some of us justifiably can come to the conclusion that the demise of the r/s was basically b/c of issues this person had, not us. i have other r/s (both that i ended or ones where my heart was broken  ) to show me the reality of who i am and the part i played.

[beguya]

And believe me, I know I had a part in this relationship.  I think that we don't find ourselves, or should say keep ourselves, in these relationships if we didn't have our own issues to own up to.  I often wonder or over analyze, is there something about me that someone is not telling me, because just like my ex I wouldn't believe it if they told me.  I know there is something about me that kept me in it for so long.  I played my part too.

The only difference for us non-BPDs is I would consider thinking about it if someone approached me with concern for my mental health.

[beguya]

One of the things that has kept me hanging on is not only hope, but fear of forgetting.  I think it has interrupted with meeting new people.  Someone told me something that struck a chord: it is ok for a part of you to still love them, you can and still will have some part of you that will always live them.  So relax and let go, your mind will not be erased of them completely, you owe it to yourself to love again and give it fully to someone who can do the same for you.

[beguya]

I have been holding on to this hope for 2 years now.  And now that I have had it shown to me that most things didn't change with her or her views, it is a little crushing... .feeling a little empty because I can't hold onto that anymore.  Feel like I am standing at the edge of a cliff, again

[Surnia]

Hi beguya

I personally think that many inner processes are going in circles. Its often not linear from worse to better. Could be that you are taking now a next round with deeper acceptance of her realities and deeper detachment.

Perhaps the hope was like a coat and now you are realizing it doesn't fit well.

This may even hurt again or release some fear or other feelings. 

[beguya]

Thanks, I agree.  It is like approaching it in cycles and each cycle gets me to a healthier place.  Maybe on this cycle I will see things a little differently like you said.