Thinking back to the devaluation stage

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was thinking back to all the red flags I should have noticed at the start of my relationship.

And then I thought about the devaluation stage and how it lasted for three years.

Three years of almost being like a doormat. And yet if my ex knew she was devaluing me, then why would it continue for so long?

Especially if she was aware of what she was doing. Why would she intentionally treat me the way she did instead of just breaking free?

It wasn't as if she didn't have the opportunity to start up with someone else - she told me that men were always trying to 'hit' upon her.

And yet, when I last saw her three weeks ago and she told me that the relationship she had started whilst we were on a break was finished and she'd met someone else within a couple of days, I said to her (to give her the chance to tell me that we were finished once and for all) "I could have been in with a chance then if you hadn't me the new Mr X?"

"Yes, you could have been... ."

What's all that about?

Why did she not have the courage to say "Look, HoS, we tried lots of times to make it work, but it didn't, let's both move on... ."

I think of the Supremes song:

Set me free why don't you babe

Get out of my life, why don't you babe

Cause you don't really love me

You just keep me hanging on... .



That's all for now... . 

[houseofswans]

I was thinking back to all the red flags I should have noticed at the start of my relationship.

And then I thought about the devaluation stage and how it lasted for three years.

Three years of almost being like a doormat. And yet if my ex knew she was devaluing me, then why would it continue for so long?

Especially if she was aware of what she was doing. Why would she intentionally treat me the way she did instead of just breaking free?

It wasn't as if she didn't have the opportunity to start up with someone else - she told me that men were always trying to 'hit' upon her.

And yet, when I last saw her three weeks ago and she told me that the relationship she had started whilst we were on a break was finished and she'd met someone else within a couple of days, I said to her (to give her the chance to tell me that we were finished once and for all) "I could have been in with a chance then if you hadn't me the new Mr X?"

"Yes, you could have been... ."

What's all that about?

Why did she not have the courage to say "Look, HoS, we tried lots of times to make it work, but it didn't, let's both move on... ."

I think of the Supremes song:

Set me free why don't you babe

Get out of my life, why don't you babe

Cause you don't really love me

You just keep me hanging on... .



That's all for now... . 

[Ironmanrises]

I was thinking back to all the red flags I should have noticed at the start of my relationship.

And then I thought about the devaluation stage and how it lasted for three years.

Three years of almost being like a doormat. And yet if my ex knew she was devaluing me, then why would it continue for so long?

Especially if she was aware of what she was doing. Why would she intentionally treat me the way she did instead of just breaking free?

It wasn't as if she didn't have the opportunity to start up with someone else - she told me that men were always trying to 'hit' upon her.

And yet, when I last saw her three weeks ago and she told me that the relationship she had started whilst we were on a break was finished and she'd met someone else within a couple of days, I said to her (to give her the chance to tell me that we were finished once and for all) "I could have been in with a chance then if you hadn't me the new Mr X?"

"Yes, you could have been... ."

What's all that about?

Why did she not have the courage to say "Look, HoS, we tried lots of times to make it work, but it didn't, let's both move on... ."

I think of the Supremes song:

Set me free why don't you babe

Get out of my life, why don't you babe

Cause you don't really love me

You just keep me hanging on... .



That's all for now... . 

In bold.

The simplest answer... .

Because she has a disorder... .

Called BPD.

I know that doesn't lessen the pain... .

At all... .

Believe me... .

I know.

3 years of devaluation... .?

I am so sorry.

I endured... .

Months of that.

And that was painful... .

Beyond.

Years... .?

My Ironman suit... .

Would have long been... .

Vaporized... .

In the process.

Hang in there friend.

[Waifed]

I was thinking back to all the red flags I should have noticed at the start of my relationship.

And then I thought about the devaluation stage and how it lasted for three years.

Three years of almost being like a doormat. And yet if my ex knew she was devaluing me, then why would it continue for so long?

Especially if she was aware of what she was doing. Why would she intentionally treat me the way she did instead of just breaking free?

It wasn't as if she didn't have the opportunity to start up with someone else - she told me that men were always trying to 'hit' upon her.

And yet, when I last saw her three weeks ago and she told me that the relationship she had started whilst we were on a break was finished and she'd met someone else within a couple of days, I said to her (to give her the chance to tell me that we were finished once and for all) "I could have been in with a chance then if you hadn't me the new Mr X?"

"Yes, you could have been... ."

What's all that about?

Why did she not have the courage to say "Look, HoS, we tried lots of times to make it work, but it didn't, let's both move on... ."

I think of the Supremes song:

Set me free why don't you babe

Get out of my life, why don't you babe

Cause you don't really love me

You just keep me hanging on... .



That's all for now... . 

I think many always want to keep you available as an option.  I also think that towards the end of the relationship they are often torn like most are in a normal relationship.  They like the security but also included in the mix is the tremendous fear of abandonment.  They push you away with comments that I believe are really testing to see how you will respond.  For example, my ex would say that we needed to end this relationship now and a minute later would ask me if we could start going to such and such church every weekend together.  I obviously was focused on the first comment. Typically as a result of the comments we get defensive and go into protective mode.  They sense this and believe you are about to kick them to the curb.  So what do they do?  They continue with the same behavior until the relationship runs its course and the Non leaves or the BPD believes they have no other choice than to move on to the next victim.  At this point, I believe that the BPD will either make every effort to maintain contact or they will paint you black and cease all contact. 

Just my two cents... .

[houseofswans]

Thanks for the comments IMF & Waifed... .

Yes, the abandonment issue. That's what happened with the first Mr X after a few months of them being together. She told me that because he 'abandoned' her the night before a conference they were attending (he had his girlfriend on the phone crying, so he left my ex in the hotel and went back to her), she left him. As it turned out she met the new Mr X the following day.

But early on in our relationship 4 years ago, I 'abandoned' her the night that we'd arrived at a seaside resort for the weekend. I just had to walk away from her unreasonable behaviour and return home (60 miles away). Of course I felt guilty about this and telephoned her apologising profusely whilst she was at the resort, and said that I'd never do that again (little did I know about the abandonment fears at this stage).

The thing is I walked away from her behaviour so many times, and we got back together so many times, that it got me wondering if because of our shared history and the good times (there were plenty of those), if the reason she won't give me closure or say that it's definitively over, is because of what Waifed said about keeping me hanging as an option. Particularly as I had 'abandoned' her just as the first Mr X had done in the hotel, yet she came back to me.

Or maybe she thinks that if it doesn't work out with the new Mr X, she knows that (or should I say thinks that) because I told her so many times that I considered her my 'true love', that all she would have to do is come with a sob story about how things didn't work out with the new Mr X (and there's plenty to suggest that it won't - he's married, lives 200 miles away, is devoted to his children, etc... .)

I don't know, my feelings change from day to day  

Thoughts welcomed as ever... .

[maxen]

But early on in our relationship 4 years ago, I 'abandoned' her the night that we'd arrived at a seaside resort for the weekend. I just had to walk away and return home (60 miles away). Of course I felt guilty about this and telephoned her apologising profusely whilst she was at the resort, and said that I'd never do that again (little did I know about the abandonment fears at this stage).

yes i did something like that once, and i now realize how awful that must be for a BPD. but i didn't know about BPD at the time. i can't bring myself to think about it, i probably damaged the marriage right at the start. by any objective standard of measure she could be impossibly frustrating, but why did i react so counterproductively? that's the topic in therapy.

[Ironmanrises]

House... .

She isn't going to... .

Give you closure... .

Because her disorder... .

Will not allow it.

The disorder... .

Itself exists... .

To deny its very existence.

It would not have mattered... .

What you had done... .

The inevitable... .

Outcome in the end... .

Would have been the same.

It hurts.

I know.

[Waifed]

Thanks for the comments IMF & Waifed... .

Yes, the abandonment issue. That's what happened with the first Mr X after a few months of them being together. She told me that because he 'abandoned' her the night before a conference they were attending (he had his girlfriend on the phone crying, so he left my ex in the hotel and went back to her), she left him. As it turned out she met the new Mr X the following day.

But early on in our relationship 4 years ago, I 'abandoned' her the night that we'd arrived at a seaside resort for the weekend. I just had to walk away from her unreasonable behaviour and return home (60 miles away). Of course I felt guilty about this and telephoned her apologising profusely whilst she was at the resort, and said that I'd never do that again (little did I know about the abandonment fears at this stage).

The thing is I walked away from her behaviour so many times, and we got back together so many times, that it got me wondering if because of our shared history and the good times (there were plenty of those), if the reason she won't give me closure or say that it's definitively over, is because of what Waifed said about keeping me hanging as an option. Particularly as I had 'abandoned' her just as the first Mr X had done in the hotel, yet she came back to me.

Or maybe she thinks that if it doesn't work out with the new Mr X, she knows that (or should I say thinks that) because I told her so many times that I considered her my 'true love', that all she would have to do is come with a sob story about how things didn't work out with the new Mr X (and there's plenty to suggest that it won't - he's married, lives 200 miles away, is devoted to his children, etc... .)

I don't know, my feelings change from day to day  

Thoughts welcomed as ever... .

Houseofswans

I actually told her I was going to go on Match.com dates because she would not fully commit to me.  I went on like three different dates.  I had never heard of BPD.  Talk about a trigger. .  Funny thing is she never left the relationship in 3 years.  It was always me (with some coaxing by her and her silent treatment at random times).  Every time it was followed about 2-3 days later with a text from her... ."Hi"

[Waifed]

Thanks for the comments IMF & Waifed... .

Yes, the abandonment issue. That's what happened with the first Mr X after a few months of them being together. She told me that because he 'abandoned' her the night before a conference they were attending (he had his girlfriend on the phone crying, so he left my ex in the hotel and went back to her), she left him. As it turned out she met the new Mr X the following day.

But early on in our relationship 4 years ago, I 'abandoned' her the night that we'd arrived at a seaside resort for the weekend. I just had to walk away from her unreasonable behaviour and return home (60 miles away). Of course I felt guilty about this and telephoned her apologising profusely whilst she was at the resort, and said that I'd never do that again (little did I know about the abandonment fears at this stage).

The thing is I walked away from her behaviour so many times, and we got back together so many times, that it got me wondering if because of our shared history and the good times (there were plenty of those), if the reason she won't give me closure or say that it's definitively over, is because of what Waifed said about keeping me hanging as an option. Particularly as I had 'abandoned' her just as the first Mr X had done in the hotel, yet she came back to me.

Or maybe she thinks that if it doesn't work out with the new Mr X, she knows that (or should I say thinks that) because I told her so many times that I considered her my 'true love', that all she would have to do is come with a sob story about how things didn't work out with the new Mr X (and there's plenty to suggest that it won't - he's married, lives 200 miles away, is devoted to his children, etc... .)

I don't know, my feelings change from day to day  

Thoughts welcomed as ever... .

Houseofswans

I actually told her I was going to go on Match.com dates because she would not fully commit to me.  I went on like three different dates.  I had never heard of BPD.  Talk about a trigger. .  Funny thing is she never left the relationship in 3 years.  It was always me (with some coaxing by her and her silent treatment at random times).  Every time it was followed about 2-3 days later with a text from her... ."Hi"

God I miss her!

[houseofswans]

Thanks, as usual, for your thoughts and comments... .