uBPDsis reached out after long period of NC. Don't know what to do.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been dealing with my uBPDsis's rages and BPD behavior (raging, splitting, manipulating) for decades and have just put up with it. My enParents have their heads in the sand. Last year, she put my husband in the crosshairs and went after him. I put my foot down and said, "You just crossed the line." I went NC immediately with her and I just keep my boundaries with my enParents who want me to just "suck it up" and participate in all things family. I don't participate. She has sent occasional nasty emails and texts during this time and I just delete them.

Just received a letter in the mail from uBPDsis that ended with "love you. miss you." For a split second I thought "the war is over and she's all better!" There are parts of me that miss the good times with her. But, that fleeting thought passed and I had memories of contact in the last 18 months (raging emails, texts, phone calls, voicemails to me and my husband). Ugh.

Part of me wants to at least send a note back, but my husband was adamant that I do not. His words were, "welcome to my parlor said the spider to the fly." He reminded me that this is just the beginning of getting sucked into another cycle (today I am good/tomorrow I will be the devil). He didn't like being the focus of her wrath and he hates seeing me curled up in a ball crying over her cruel attacks. We have also really enjoyed the quiet and focusing on our lives rather than getting sucked into the drama.

Thanks for listening, any thoughts appreciated   

[southernsis]

I have been dealing with my uBPDsis's rages and BPD behavior (raging, splitting, manipulating) for decades and have just put up with it. My enParents have their heads in the sand. Last year, she put my husband in the crosshairs and went after him. I put my foot down and said, "You just crossed the line." I went NC immediately with her and I just keep my boundaries with my enParents who want me to just "suck it up" and participate in all things family. I don't participate. She has sent occasional nasty emails and texts during this time and I just delete them.

Just received a letter in the mail from uBPDsis that ended with "love you. miss you." For a split second I thought "the war is over and she's all better!" There are parts of me that miss the good times with her. But, that fleeting thought passed and I had memories of contact in the last 18 months (raging emails, texts, phone calls, voicemails to me and my husband). Ugh.

Part of me wants to at least send a note back, but my husband was adamant that I do not. His words were, "welcome to my parlor said the spider to the fly." He reminded me that this is just the beginning of getting sucked into another cycle (today I am good/tomorrow I will be the devil). He didn't like being the focus of her wrath and he hates seeing me curled up in a ball crying over her cruel attacks. We have also really enjoyed the quiet and focusing on our lives rather than getting sucked into the drama.

Thanks for listening, any thoughts appreciated   

[Befuddled 7x70]

   My personal advice would be to leave it alone.  I have tried on occassion to respond to BPD (bro and mother) with explanations and they fall on deaf ears.  It just gives them fuel to show the world that you are terrible and not willing to forgive.  If you don't respond at all they have no ammunition (although they will still bad mouth you).  My uBPD/NPD brother honestly "forgot" everything he did and said I was being childish for holding on to all this and should move on (because I was LC with mother and NC with him for 6 months).  They don't get boundaries or choosing NC to help yourself.  They only see you are doing something selfish which is harming their need for connection (even just to break it again on their terms).

They want the control and this seems like another power play on her part.  They don't love the way non-BPD people do, so don't confuse it with reality.   :'(

[southernsis]

Thanks for your response, Befuddled. This disorder plays mindgames with those related to or involved with the BPD person. I liked your comment about how they don't love the way non-BPD people do. So sad.

I don't trust her and I do feel like it's a trap (especially since it arrived when relatives to whom she's trashed me were visiting me). Seems like a way for her to get back in to start a cycle of nonsense again. This note was a kind one, no rage or accusations kind of 'normal' and sweet. That's what almost dragged me back in. Hoping my thoughts of sending a note to say "thanks for the nice note" fades soon.

[southernsis]

An update. The manipulation worked. uBPDsis told my enMom about how she has been reaching out to me    enMom called me to tell me that it looks like everything is OK now and I should spend the holidays with them all! Spending the holidays with them means flying several hundred miles. Um, no thanks. 

I told enMom that things haven't changed and it was ONE letter in 18 months where the only other contact has been crazy rage-y texts and emails and things aren't all better. I am happy with NC and want to stay this way. Then, enMom started crying about how she doesn't get what she wants... .one big happy family gathering at the holidays.

Just stuck to my boundaries and said "I'm sorry that things aren't what you want, but I am not putting myself (or my husband!) in a situation where I can get dragged into another rage/abuse cycle." She kept pushing, but I didn't budge.

So frustrating!

[BlueCat]

 

You did awesome 

Yes, one good letter after bunches of rage filled ones and I'm going to guess that your family (like mine) would say that you are not letting go of the past   

Anyway, good for you

[southernsis]

Thanks BlueCat! I really appreciate the support! I was proud of myself for not caving in.

Yeah... .I'm the jerk now who won't just "get over it." EnMom just kept saying "just do it for me!"

After several pleas I kept saying no and she stopped asking... .for now.

[southernsis]

And, the vortex of crazy has broken NC. My uBPDsis called my work!  She raged at me for being ingrateful and for breaking enMom's heart by being estranged.

So, now I'm the bad one.

I want my peace and quiet back.

I have no idea how to deal with these people. Its like a crazy game of chess in which I can't make any  moves and my enMom is standing there saying, "give her your king!"

[tryintogetby]

Southernsis, I'm so freaking sorry--I really get it.  If nothing else, you reminded me how to react to my own BPD brother.  He too texted me all contrite and happy [but at midnight   ] and I started missing him.  You reminded me of the oldest trick in the BPD book--the recycle.  The great sucking vacuum in the sky that will bring you back into their orbit, and their drama, and their life.  They ALL do this--not just your sis, and you're not alone in this.  If your mom wants a big happy holiday gathering, she can have it, when your sister stops being an a-hole.  It's not your fault, and you should not have to shoulder the blame for all of this.  YOU did not freak out on everyone and make everyone's lives miserable.

If she harasses you at your place of employment, you have the legal right to get a restraining order in some states.  Have you checked into that? 

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but you're doing the RIGHT THING.  And funny--it was my uBPD mom setting her sights on my husband that triggered my NC as well.    hang in there. 

TTGB

[southernsis]

Thank you, tryintogetby. It helps a lot to hear your story and to know that you and others here 'get it.' Unless you've had the experience with someone (especially a family member) who has BPD, it's tough to understand the craziness.

Working hard to stick to my boundaries but the FOG (and twisted thinking!) is coming in strong from enMom and uBPDsis.

I wish I could tell enMom that happy holiday gatherings can happen if sis stops being an a-hole.  It's true!