I'm Back

[Pretty Woman]

Well I'm back.  Hello, friends. Aftter three months and one matching tattoo later... .

Things never got back to where I wanted them.  Intimacy was gone from lack of my trusting her.  Last weekend I broke down about something traumatic in my life happening and she couldn't take it.  She stayed to herself the past few days and was very cutting in texts.  Tonight she picked me up for a planned movie with friends and told me it was over but she loved me and wanted to stay friends.  In the past she was angry, thretening restraining orders and saying to never contact her again.  Now she says she truly believes we should ve friends and is giving me pointers where to pick up women.  

what the heck.  

Very hurt.  She has always recycled me but this time she seems very complacent.  Almost happy.  She told me she threw everything away I gave her so she wouldn't come home to it.  

Is this really over? I told her I can't be friends and it isn't fair to keep me around as a spare.  She told me she respects my decision and will always love me.   NC, right?

I love her but I can't fix this.  This feels final she is so peaceful about it and not raging.  Anyone ever experience such a different breakup pattern with their BPD partner?

[fromheeltoheal]

After a few recycles mine did something similar: "I love you very much as a friend, but... .".  It became clear to me, after learning about BPD, that she was stuck in push/pull; she really did love me a great deal, but when I tried to get too close she would get triggered, fears of engulfment along with an inability to develop true intimacy, and push me away, so I was always stuck in that sorta close but not quite place, and she couldn't/wouldn't get closer.  Very hurtful for both of us, but that's where she lives full time.

Seems to me yours is calm right now because she has you where she wants you, close but not too close, and she feels like she's in control.  If yours is like mine you will never get what you want, and it's up to you to take care of you, she won't.  Stay strong!

[Pretty Woman]

Thank you, Heel to Heal.  What kills me is my birthday is next weekend and she still wants to take me out for it.  ?  She is acting like this is no big deal and we will be best of friends. 

I'm not sure how anyone flips a switch so quickly.  I'm devastated.  Once again.  Only this time I think it's final. 

[KHC_33]

WOW yes! My ex does it to ALL his ex girlfriends!  Whenever we were in contact he would secretly discreetly flirt with them.

He told me we should still be friends when we talked about separating beforehand. LOL. I am like NO never. Right like I am going to have someone in my life and have this baggage laying around? So unhealthy and especially for my children. I think a lot of relationships that end want that ... .so that they can have convenience that if they get lonely we may give them a period of pacification.

Don't even go there. Clean break and move on.

As much it is hard to do trust me it is worth it. The amount of damage they do to keep you from going any further in life and for to stay in that state is enormous.

Be gentle to yourself. Hugs

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm not sure how anyone flips a switch so quickly.  I'm devastated.

Serious Mental Illness.

[triangleheart]

That sucks. In my final breakup, my BPD was also very calm. That's how I knew it was really over. He also wanted to be "friends". Uh, no. Friends don't crap all over their loved ones.

Do NOT spend your bday with her. It will only be another painful memory for you to overcome in the future. Cut off contact and go out with your friends/family. It's time to start building happy new memories to replace the hurtful ones that you made with the BPD.

They all flip a switch. Be glad that you don't understand it--it means that you're NORMAL and would never do that to someone. Don't try to understand it. It's not normal behavior and will only tie you in knots.

No contact! She will only keep hurting you by telling you she threw away your stuff, she's moved on and peaceful, telling you to go meet new women, etc. Who needs that? She's acting "nice" but in reality, she's just using a new method to keep on hurting you. Do you want to stick around to find out all of the inventive ways she can hurt you as a "friend"? Don't go there!

[Waifed]

It is never over for them until you shut it down for good.  Once you do that and they know you are serious their shame and lack of self esteem/fear of rejection will keep them from contacting you ever again.

[babyducks]

Hi Earth Angel,


Sorry to hear what you are going through now. 

I'm not sure how anyone flips a switch so quickly

Its an incomplete defensive mechanism to deal with their own boiling emotions.   Its about her and how she feels, her feelings are so intense she can not, in a way, see yours.

What kills me is my birthday is next weekend and she still wants to take me out for it.  ?

So Earth Angel,  what do you want?   I want to gently encourage you to take the focus off of her for a little bit and think about what you want, what would be best for you,  what do you hope for?  Do you want to be friends with her?   

I think heeltoheal got it right with:

Seems to me yours is calm right now because she has you where she wants you, close but not too close, and she feels like she's in control.

I love her but I can't fix this

Nope.  You can't.   Never could.   You can take care of yourself.   Make yourself the best person you can possibly be.  Grow and Learn.  And what ever decisions you make about her being in your life and to what degree,  you can protect yourself from being devastated every three months.

babyducks

[Pretty Woman]

Babyducks,

   Good hearing from you again. I know you were following me the last time I was on here about four months ago.

What is so weird about this time is how calm she was. She said she was "checked out" we are too different and she wants to move in with a partner right away (we have been on a rocky road for a year---in a lesbian relationship) no way was she moving in until we were solid.

The calmness scares me. She says she thinks we were meant to be best friends and the romance portion of us is over. What kills me is we had an argument a few days ago where I actually needed someone to lean on. A friend of over four years wrote me off... .and I run a 400 person meetup group with her and WORK with her. She couldn't understand why I couldn't turn that off for a weekend with her when she needed me.

So I break down, she asks "are you leaving me?" I sit on her lap, we cry we hug, I think she is there and whammo. Yesterday, three days later we are supposed to go to a meetup and she texts me she would like to pick me up and talk after. I ask if she is ending us and she says I am "projecting" and everything is going to be fine, everything is going to be great.

Then she comes over and tells me we are meant to be best friends and proceeds to tell me I need to go to boystown to meet women but be careful of STD's... .

all this crazy stuff.

She ends up going solo to the meetup I planned in the 1st place and then texts me that she told the group leader I was sorry I couldn't be there and that she (my ex) knows this is hard for me and she will be there every step.

What the heck?

Usually she would rage at me. That is why I think this is over. The last breakup she left me and ran to her ex in Minnesota for a week long fling only to return and beg me to take her back. I do so and not less than a month ago she complains to me that "she lost her best friend" and I should be sympathetic.

I thought she meant me, she was talking about the ex who stopped taking her calls and is in a new relationship.

I already told her I am not going to be her "fall back" bestie and the one she talks about her new girlfriends too. I deleted and blocked her on FB. I need to set boundaries. Something I did not do previously. I chased her for fear it was someone else. My own stuff I need to work on (being co dependent). I even lied to my therapist I was back with her (came clean today). It only hurt me, not my Dr.!

She was so in the "friendzone" it was like, Yeah forget our future, lets just grab a beer and pizza and be buds (after last week she kept telling me, Do you know how much I am completely in love with you?)

My birthday is next week and she even said she would love to take me to the concert she bought tickets for. Again, What the heck. I told her no thanks spending it with family.

I am just doing what I never have before and NC completely. I am doubtful she will come back but this will help me heal. There are events coming up she knows I am going to and says she won't but I don't trust her. As much as I want to go, I need to implement boundaries for myself.

[fromheeltoheal]

Usually she would rage at me. That is why I think this is over.

I deleted and blocked her on FB. I need to set boundaries. Something I did not do previously. I chased her for fear it was someone else.

I am just doing what I never have before and NC completely. I am doubtful she will come back but this will help me heal.

If she is truly borderline the only one with consistent, sustainable emotions is you.  As mentioned, she's calm when you are in that place of close but not too close, the eye of the storm of the chaos between her ears; she will freak out if you go to what she considers one extreme or the other.

I took the steps you did, because I was PISSED, and that sent her into an extinction burst of a barrage of contact attempts that I ignored.  Eventually they stopped.  That place of close but not too close is not stable, but it's the place a borderline feels comfortable, so she tried anyway.  I read somewhere, maybe in this thread, that the cold and calm you're getting is a defense mechanism; she can't bear the thoughts of losing or getting too close to you, the emotions are just too strong, so partially shuts everything down and goes into buddy mode, and part of that shutting down is an inability to see how you feel.  You don't want that.

The important thing now that you've taken new steps is don't go backwards;  if you cave in your resolve she won't take it seriously, but if you stay strong, eventually the shame, low self esteem and fear of rejection will prevail, and she'll disappear, and she'll end up having respect for you and that strength.

[winston72]

Earth Angel…this is so difficult, so heart-wrenching, and so familiar.  I just experienced something very similar after three months of NC and then a month of restarting communication.  Some really, really good conversations…some of our best ever.  We agreed that there is hope for us and that we should keep moving forward and going slowly.  A rational approach!  And then three days later during a positive chat she says, "I am glad you called.  I want to let you know that I do not want to be in a relationship right now.  I don't see a future with us."  She was calm, sad, emotional in moderation.  If someone had listened to that conversation (oh, maybe the NSA did!) they would have thought it totally appropriate and well reasoned…except it was completely out of context!  She took a lateral leap without warning or discussion or anteing.  It was a bit of a shock, but one that was hard to react to because it seemed so normal.  This is the Land of Oz, bizarre, confusing, dizz-i-fying aspect of being connected to someone like this.  My heart hurt when she told me…but it took me a while to get some perspective on it.  

The comments on this thread are so wise!  Thank you.  

Earth Angel, I have found that the only, only, only way forward is to focus on what I want, what I need and how this relationship affects me.  Oh, that sounds so selfish and foreign to me!  But the pain of these interactions is teaching me!  When I focus on these things and not on her, than the pain is less and I start to see hope.  I am otherwise looking for the 5% window of possibility to return with my ex…which of course means I would return to happiness and wholeness!  That is my delusion.  Realizing that she disappoints and hurts me all the time is "facing the facts" and helps me to make better decisions.

I am feeling this along with you…ugh…but better days are ahead.

[fromheeltoheal]

Some really, really good conversations…some of our best ever.  We agreed that there is hope for us and that we should keep moving forward and going slowly.  A rational approach!  

That went on between us too winston.  My take is she was mirroring me again, since the attachment was slipping and she was cycling through BPD phases, but there was no real rational between her ears.

And then three days later during a positive chat she says, "I am glad you called.  I want to let you know that I do not want to be in a relationship right now.  I don't see a future with us."  She was calm, sad, emotional in moderation.  If someone had listened to that conversation (oh, maybe the NSA did!) they would have thought it totally appropriate and well reasoned…except it was completely out of context!  She took a lateral leap without warning or discussion or anteing.  It was a bit of a shock, but one that was hard to react to because it seemed so normal.  This is the Land of Oz, bizarre, confusing, dizz-i-fying aspect of being connected to someone like this.  My heart hurt when she told me…but it took me a while to get some perspective on it. 

And it's said a borderline cycles through the phases quicker towards the end of the relationship.  My take is time to jump off the crazytrain, it's speeding up, and there's a crash a comin'.  Take care of you.

[peas]

I think she is calm because she feels she is in control. She has made a decision that in her mind is best for her.

My ex was the same. About mid-way during our r/s he wanted to be just friends but I said no to that. So we continued being a couple. And like with your ex, the recycles I experienced were usually full of drama and he would return in a couple days.

The last one was different. We had a blow-out fight, went NC for 10 days. I resumed contact and he was still pissed, wanted me gone. I tried reaching out again a month later to make peace, but he was still difficult, resolute that he was done.

We have had total NC since (going on four months). I think he had someone lined up. It really sucks.

[Pretty Woman]

Thank you for all the feedback.  I found out through the grapevine she went out last night and hit on a friend of mine. She is letting people know she is "single and ready to mingle".

I find this so cruel. She is telling me she loves me, is attracted to me but we are too different and she is moving on but wants me to reach out and be friends. She thinks we were meant to be best friends.

This has never happened before. She cried and kept hugging me but I was numb, I could barely pat her on the shoulder.

What was the worst part was I asked her if she was ending it before she came to my house. I did not want her coming over and making me feel worse. She told me via text I was "overreacting" and "projecting on her" and that it would all be good for us and she promised it wouldn't be bad.

?

It was worse than bad because I knew and she persisted. And then she wants me to act like it never happened.  I really hate her at the moment I am so hurt. This is paralyzing my heart all over again. I am hoping since this time it was different she will leave me alone. I deleted and blocked her on FB. I hope she respects that.

[peas]

Also, my ex said "we're too opposite" when he was ending things. Give me a break. Months and weeks before he was sure I was the one he wanted to marry. Then "we're too opposite"? Total BS.

I'm sorry you are going through this. But you will get through this. Nothing but time, and maybe a little more information understanding BPD or even NBP and reading other people's stories, will see you through. It still hurts for me, but I'm working on it.

[winston72]

Thank you all for your comments and sharing your experiences.  It is so wonderful to tell some specific stories and receive your perspectives…so liberating!  I benefit so much from the comments.  I am still wobbling in my confidence in my own perspectives and opinions.  I am still slow to see things as they really are…slow to admit that these sudden changes of mood and behavior are traumatic to me and not a mature way for her to behave.  Geez, you would think this would be obvious, but it isn't when I am in the middle of it.

EarthAngel…this is a painful episode.  It would sharply hurt anyone in your spot.  I am hoping and trusting that the pain will be strong enough to thrust you into a new journey in life without this grief.

[winston72]

Peas…my ex said something of a similar ilk to me…something about how we relate to friends that we had resolved two years ago…so out of context, so irrelevant to where we were.  It was so out of place, such an odd thing to say.  I did not respond to it in the moment, but I have been wrestling with it ever since, and been tempted to write an email to make counter points…oh, the madness!  When I read your comment about "we're too opposite" I woke up.  I can still be drawn in to defending or convincing her of a new way to think about us…because if only I could explain it better than all would be well!  I know it is true!  Those tugs still exist for me.

Thanks all!

[human101]

I am still wobbling in my confidence in my own perspectives and opinions.  I am still slow to see things as they really are…slow to admit that these sudden changes of mood and behavior are traumatic to me and not a mature way for her to behave.  Geez, you would think this would be obvious, but it isn't when I am in the middle of it.

Thank you for sharing this, it resonated with me. 2 months of NC  with my exBPDgf and I am still wobbling.  Dont know why, but spent most of yesterday replaying our final conversation, yet another drama after an intimate, loving weekend, when out of the blue, at 5am, she told me it was over between us, unless I "fixed" some of my problems. Still finding it hard to wrap my mind around, should I have said this, or that, or tried harder?  It really helps to read these comments and remember she has an illness, that's what I've been dealing with. And she had periods of high functioning behavior.  But she's unwell. Feel like I  go forward a few steps then back. Today, maybe a baby step forward. Thanks everyone for your insights. It really helps. 

[winston72]

Yes, the periods of high functioning are often accompanied by self-awareness, insight and clarity of thought.  Hard to call that "seductive" because it seems like just healthy, energized living.  And this is what lifts my hopes and draws me in.  It is not illusory... .that dimension is there; it just does not stay constant at even a reasonable level.

Your question, "Still finding it hard to wrap my mind around, should I have said this, or that, or tried harder? is so compelling.  Interactions with my ex create this dynamic within me also... .consistently!  And I read this on so many other posts.  Why does one's mind, my mind, react in this way?  I replay it more than a disputed call in an NFL game!  I will replay it over and over in my mind... .the conversations, the word choices, what did she mean, what did I mean, what if I had phrased my ideas differently... .exhausting, but it happens so often... .and I think only in this relationship.  I don't find it happening elsewhere.

[human101]

Winston72 - Yes, exactly!  Thank you for telling me the self insight and emotionally intelligent phases were not illusions. I was not imagining them, they were real, but as you said, not constant or sustained.  Increased intimacy seemed to trigger my exBPDgf, into insecurity and panic, retreating, attacking,  drama, conflict, break up and making up.  It took me a while to spot the pattern, as I was so busy trying to solve the "issue" and open the lines of communication. A friend I confided in spotted the pattern, exbdfgf always had a meltdown just after a lovely, intimate time with me.   The wear and tear on me was huge, like being in a balloon floating, happy, elated, then with no warning, CRASH to earth and broken limbs everywhere.

Earth angel, I hope you are feeling stronger with NC, setting boundaries and spending your birthday with friends who really care about you.  The elation is not worth the inevitable pain  that comes with it.