In turmoil over my uBPD ex gf... having trouble letting go... HELP

[iLoveHer2.0]

Ok... .I might be all over the grid with this one... .but I'm a mess and just need some support and a little guidance on how to get through this rough patch.

My uBPD ex gf broke up with me last year, and we have been recycling more times than I care to admit. In it all she has been verbally and even physically abusive (punching me in the face and giving me a black eye). I still so care about her and have fallen victim to her recycle maneuvers.

This past Sunday she calls me and we talk and agree we need to walk away from one another. She tells me she needs time to be alone and figure out what she wants. She knows she can't regulate herself and wanted time to focus on herself and be a better mother to her girls.

It was a very teary exchange and she told me how much she was in love with me and to not give up hope, that she was going to take some time to work on herself and that she hoped to figure it all out and come back to me.

Only to find out from a friend today she created on online dating profile the other day!

What was it? Was she letting me down easy? outright lying to me to keep me as an option? So messed up that she has no idea what she wants?

I have NO idea what to make of all this and am too worked up right now to be rational about it all.

Do I just ignore it and say nothing (not giving her the satisfaction) or what?

I know the answer is to walk (if not RUN) away from her and all this, but I just can't ever seem to be strong enough to. I still feel she had my heart, even after everything that's happened. I'm in utter turmoil!

[peas]

Sounds like another form of abuse. First she verbally and physically attacks you. The lying at the end is just more abuse.

[heartandwhole]

ILoveHer2.0.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this, it's so painful.    I remember a similar situation with my pwBPD.  His feelings would change on a dime, and it sent me reeling – every time.

Until I realized that it wouldn't stop, that there were patterns in him that my "love" would never break through.  That's when my recovery began.

Many pwBPD find it difficult to be alone, so the dating profile could be a reflection of that. ILoveHer, if your gf is not in serious therapy, it is highly unlikely that these behaviors will ever change, and the recycling will continue.

Only you can stop a recycle and a repetition of this dance.  It's not easy, I know.  We've all been there, and now we're here for you. 

[peas]

Also, ILoveHer, I heard the same thing from my ex when we broke up. He said he wanted time to himself to figure out what he wants and needs. I knew this was total BS. But, I had to just accept his words and try to let go. He was going to do whatever he wanted to do and that meant cutting me out of his life. I think it's their warped way of letting us down easy after the destruction. 

[winston72]

Just last week I heard the comment, "I can't be in a relationship right now."  It was one more trip to the land of ambivalence and confusion and pain.  It is the push/pull that HeartandWhole described so succinctly.  It is all a bit surreal.  And, of course, the most surreal aspect of it is that i am still drawn to her…and to the "dynamic"…I start to believe one more time that there is hope!  It is possible!  There is progress!  Than, whoops!  The floor falls away and I am wobbling.

iLoveHer2.0, if I might offer an observation…your confused state of mind and emotion sounds very much like hers.  Or, better said, as you draw closer to her you are naturally affected by her inner self.  And, her inner self is confused, volatile, struggling, lurching internally to soothe pain and find clarity.  No wonder you feel tossed and turned…you should!  She is tossing and turning within herself and therefore tossing and turning you.

It is so painful and frustrating.  However, to echo Peas and HeartandWhole, the good news is that the answers and the control are within you…and they are within reach and will provide satisfaction.  I am speaking to myself here, but I have been experiencing this and doing much better.  These events for me are now more frustrating than painful, and they used to devastate me.  As I get better I think that I now have the strength to make the relationship work (ah, this is a tough, complex growth process!), and I still struggle to face the facts that I likely won't be with her again (note the qualifier "likely"!  I am still struggling to let go!).  I wish I could be done with it all in one moment, but it takes time and is a rocky journey for me.

Accept that this is the way your relationship affects you.  This is it.  Now, how do you feel about it?  What do you want to do going forward?  I often answer that question by saying that I want to have a future with a happier, more stable "her".  Oops, that one isn't really on the list of options!  And when I keep choosing that option (as I still do in some proportion) than I am vulnerable to the disappointment and pain that will surely come my way.

[PhoenixRising15]

Mine did almost the exact. same. thing.

I need space to figure out my issues =  I'm triggered and I need to run away to self soothe or you'll see how terrible I am.

Her self soothing consisted of sex with random strangers, drugs, and plenty of alchohol and enabling friends.  Good for her. 

I don't want that kind of person in my life.

[houseofswans]

Just last week I heard the comment, "I can't be in a relationship right now." 

Which is what my ex told me when she was actually seeing someone 

[willbegood]

This past Sunday she calls me and we talk and agree we need to walk away from one another. She tells me she needs time to be alone and figure out what she wants. She knows she can't regulate herself and wanted time to focus on herself and be a better mother to her girls.

I think they play into you during these conversations. They're not going to go out on a limb and risk being hurt. So they feel the conversation out and roll with it.

During our many recycles, when I spoke to her, if I was the loving, caring, forgiving guy, she would play off it. If I was anything less than that she'd say she needs to be alone or never contact her again.

If they're still talking to us there's a reason. I don't believe for a second it's because they want to be alone or have a grown up conversation finally.

What helped me was learning about and accepting the illness. I don't believe they're really out to hurt us. Rather they are so scared of being hurt they go on the attack and do crazy things to avoid being hurt.

Most of us on here have been through more recycles than we care to mention. Even when we knew it needed to end we still went back for more. Eventually there comes a point when you finally say enough is enough. Maybe you're ready and maybe not.

[winston72]

WillbeGood, you will be right!  I need a little more pain to truly push me all the way out... .I can feel it... .it is like the last bit of a splinter that needs to be dug out.  Oh, my!  Well, I hope it happens fast, but spares no residue.  I called her today to say Happy Halloween.  Not much discipline on my part and I knew she wouldn't answer... .but I felt better for calling.  Sometimes I feel "controlled" by her via my choice of NC.  Isn't that some convoluted logic on my part! People are odd (me being the people!).  Anyway, I wanted to feel the freedom and the strength to be okay with calling her and be okay with not getting a call back.  Maybe I am testing to see if detachment is setting in?  That sounds too optimistic!  Maybe I need just a pinch more pain... .but just a pinch, please!

So far, so good.  Time to start enjoying life.

I agree that we don't need to ascribe intent to our exes.  Although mine did some nasty stuff!  But, we cannot discern their intent anyway, and we know that the results of the behavior are bad enough. 

I do have to laugh at myself... .she cheated on me in the past, lied lots and lots, is certainly seeing someone during her time alone... .and I feel vulnerable and miss her!  Ha!  Silly man. 

[Traumatized]

I know the answer is to walk (if not RUN) away from her and all this, but I just can't ever seem to be strong enough to. I still feel she had my heart, even after everything that's happened. I'm in utter turmoil!

I can relate to the turmoil that you are going through.  I feel your pain.  Mine still has my heart too.  Even after numerous recycles, verbal abuse and physical abuse I know I should run, but I can't.  I'm too weak.  Too addicted.  Too in need of the good things she had to offer while ignoring the bad.

I think you should ignore her online dating profile.  Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that it upset you.  Someone told me that mine posted something about our relationship on Facebook and as much as I wanted to know exactly what she said, I realize that I am better off not knowing.  It will likely upset me further and give her the satisfaction that she hurt me even worse than she already has.